Take off your suit
*Dreamy sigh*
*Kissing noises*
Mmh... Ah. I want to be in you, like an AI
Jesus. Dare I even ASK?!
Jax... wanted more "sex appeal" in the movie.
Oh SHIT yeah!
Let me get in on this!
Aaaand CUT! Another amazing take!
Did you get that?
Yeah?
MOVING ON!
Friends and fellow citizens! That is a wrap on the CarWash lovemaking vignette!
A-Unit is shooting GRIMMONS next, B-Unit proceeds straight to the highway chase!
Dang it!
Hey Kaikana. When did you get here?
Just showed up with Tucker and Grif. Come on!
[Wash ]Hey. [Tucker] Hey!
No way!
[Grif] Yeah dude! [Simmons] Nooo waaay!
Yeah, buddy. I'm gonna need your help coming up with some more... sword puns. Mine are getting a bit DULL!
I hope I can cut it!
He-he-hey! The great reunion! Minnie, you're on wides, Greg, you're on tight fifty,
You miss a FUCKING WORD and you swim home!
Ho hooo! What's this now?!
It's just the documentary crew, here to film my meteoric rise to superstardom! Movies within movies.
We're getting meta.
[Grif] Right. So!
[Donut's long-suffering groan]
You guys are doing a beach episode WITHOUT me?!
What do you want Donut? If you're here to try and stop us...
Not at all! I'm here to help! Everyone...
There's something I need to get off my chest!
Save it!
No, guys! I'm super duper sorry!
This whole sticky mess?
It's on ME. All OVER me!
I've screwed each and every one of you deep with no protection!
And now I've come to help pull out, before we're all truly BONED!
From now on nothing comes before MY friends!
They come first AND they come second, they come third, they come fourth-
WE GET IT!
So Grif! *hesitant sigh* What's that plan of yours?
Me and Tucker and Sister have been talking to some folks
And these folks have been saying that all of our time travelling is bad.
They want to meet about it and convince us to stop.
Who are these... people you're talking to?
Not people.
Aliens?
Let's call them aliens.
They're gods!
What...?
We leave you alone for five minutes and you piss off God?!
GODZZUH. There's a shit ton of them.
It doesn't matter what they are, ok?! Or how many!
They want to tell us what's actually going on and I think we should hear them out.
So. First we meet up with Grif and Grif sets up a meeting with the gods
and then at THAT meeting, we set up THIS meeting,
which is all about setting up ANOTHER meeting!
Fuck everything about this!
I'm supposed to be on vacation.
GREAT! Everyone knows what's going on now. Can we go?
Absolutely not! Tell the Father, Son and Holy Ghost to shove it!
Red team will not forfeit tactical superiority over the past!
God can take my magic gun---uh.
Take 2!
God can take my magic gun when he pries it from my cold dead fingers!
I had a feeling Sarge was gonna be a stick-in-the-mud
Time for a new tactic.
Lying.
No one's asking you to give up your time machine, Sarge, OK?
Of course, you can keep it. They just want to chat.
These... beings you're talking about. You really trust them?
I trust one of them! Huggins saved my life and she vouches for the rest
Fun fact! Huggins is a sentient lensflare!
This is finally making sense.
Anywho they can't hurt us
We all have some kind of shield against their magic.
[Carolina] Why [Sister] Cause!
We're unwilling agents to some all-powerful time God.
Last time I was an agent at least I got dental.
God can't kill you. That's full coverage
What if they found a way around this shield?
Honestly,
This is the best I've felt in ages. Hanging out with the guys again... in way over our heads...
It's what I was made for.
What if this is some sort of trap?
Get us all together, in one place?
I don't think it's a trap
But how do you know?
I got a sixth sense for when someone's lying to get in my pants. And they ain't settin it off!
So Grif, these God beings are saying that time travel is bad
Yeah, it does damage to the timelines or whatever.
Bad for the timelines, but not bad for US.
What are you saying?
I'm just trying to figure out if time travel is some sort of monkey's paw.
that's always gonna blow up in our faces.
Huggins said so.
But can we prove? That's true?
I say we test the idea.
Don't you have better things to do?! Don't WE have better things to do?
If..we're going to meet these..
"Gods"
The more intelligence we have, the better.
I propose that I create a unified timeline of all your time travels
We look at that big picture and we will learn the truth.
Jax is so smart.
He's talented, he's funny.
The way he sees the world..his vision, his VOICE.
I feel so privileged being in the presence of the man.
Again. This time like you MEAN it!!
Jax is so smart...
So all we need our interviews, with everybody.
It'll take no time.
We'll squeeze it in right before we shoot the giant mech sequence.
Screeen time, you saay?
Count me in.
*Longsuffering sigh* I'll go get my resume.
So, of course Sarge decided he's gonna use the time machine to fix it,
but that didn't work
The next thing I know, I got JFK brains on my visor
Interesting. *Loud marker squeaking*
Yes, thank you for having me. Yes. My greatest obstacles and challenges for me to overcome are definitely babies,
gravity, taxes, and Chinese finger traps.
Then I tried to convince Caesar to invent pizza.
You know since he's a foodie with that salad didn't go great though knives were exchanged
On one hand, Chrovos saved my life and he's treated me with more respect than the reds and blues ever have but on the other hand
reds and blues are
well
hmm they are
Huh...
I actually think the other hand is empty.
Yes, where do I see myself in ten years?
Yes. Well, I definitely would not be stuck in any kind of eastern appendage experiments! Hnnh.
All right, here’s what I got, everyone--the final verdict. Time travel has backfired
every time that it was used to fix a personal mistake: to repair pride
embarrassment, the loss of something valuable.
However, that doesn’t mean that time travel is a monkey’s paw, something that will always backfire!
Case in point:
I’ve been using Sarge’s time machine for weeks with no negative consequences!
Uh, what?
Time travel isn’t good or bad!
Now, in terms of our unified timeline…
Hah! Perfect.
Oh, yeah! Woo-hoo!
JAX: What? SIMMONS: You’ve drawn a dick, dude! TUCKER: Mine’s bigger.
JAX: No! It’s-it’s a science!
SARGE: Your science looks like a one-eyed trouser snake.
GRIF: Great. Now that we’ve gotten all that out, it’s time we stop spinning our wheels.
I for one vote we go meet with the gods and talk this through.
SIMMONS: If Grif thinks it’s a good idea, I’m in. …Euh, can’t believe I just said that without sarcasm.
CABOOSE: Yeah, I’m waiting to hear back about a job, but uh, yeah okay.
WASH: I still have questions.
Mainly, what does any of this have to do with finding Church?
TUCKER: What?
WASH: His distress call. The “Help me, Obi-wan Kenobi” message? That’s the whole reason we’re here. What do gods have to do with Church?
SIMMONS: That was a different thing.
CAROLINA: He’s kidding! Right, Wash? Just… pointing out how absurd this is?
WASH: Right.
JAX: Now, as for me, I’ve been using the time machine to recast all the major roles of the Red vs. Blue movie.
SARGE ACTOR: Well pal I hope you brought your wallet. Because rent in hell gets paid in advance!
TUCKER ACTOR: What’d I tell ya. I get no respect.
CABOOSE ACTOR: It’s bullshit. I did not hit her! I did not! Oh, hi, Grif.
GRIF ACTOR: For the last time, I’m not Grif, man. I’m the Dude!
TUCKER ACTOR: Bow chicka wow bow. One more time! Bow chicka bow bow! What is it? What’s the line? Feed it to me.
JAX: Brilliant! And unlike everyone else, it hasn’t backfired one iota--
KOHAN: Hey Jax! I just got off the phone with the studio! They took a look at the new casting, and they killed the funding! We’re done! I’m free!
JAX: Eh, whatever! If they’ve cut the funding, we’ll just raise the money ourselves! I happen to know some people with a time machine--oh fuck!
ATLUS: It has been many eons since mortals were allowed audience here, on Starseat, the seat of the Cosmic Powers.
I, King Atlus Arcadium Rex--.
JAX: Hey guys!
Can I borrow your time machine? Ooh, nice water fixtures.
JAX: Oww!
CAROLINA: Contact! WASH: Take cover!
KALIRAMA: Everyone, calm down! Temper, honey. I think they knew him.
ATLUS: That mortal idiot interrupted me!
I’m sorry I smited your mortal idiot friend.
GRIF: Meh. No harm, no foul.
ATLUS: Ehhh. That was my primary weapon.
Don’t--don’t look at it.
CAROLINA: This is God?
KALIRAMA: Yes. Atlus is the King of the Cosmic Powers. I am Kalirama, his Queen.
SARGE: You’re married?!
TUCKER: Whoa, wait a second. Didn’t you call her your sister earlier?
ATLUS: Yes.
TUCKER: So which is it? Sister or wife?
ATLUS: Yes! TUCKER: Gross!
WASH: This is some Game of Thrones shit.
GENKINS: I’m Genkins, with a G! I love posting spoilers on YouTube!
At the end of the next one, the pink guy steals the hammer!
BURNSTORM: I am Burnstorm, Master Builder of the Gods!
SISTER: Hah, what?
TUCKER: I’m King Tucker, breaker of headboards!
SIMMONS: I’m Simmons, Wizard of Science!
CABOOSE: And I am Simmons--uh, I’m not Simmons!
SARGE: I am Sarge, Lord of the Twin Flag!
DONUT: And I’m--uh, come back to me.
SISTER: I’m Kaikaina, and I like to party!
GRIF: Awww, Dexter Grif! He Who Must Not Be Messed With!
HUGGINS: Yes, boy!
GRIF: Sup, Huggs!
CAROLINA: I’m Carolina and this is Wash. Now, to matters at hand--
WASH: Spoilsport. I had a good one percolating!
CAROLINA: How about you start at the beginning?
ATLUS: The beginning? Ha ha ha! Very well.
The very beginning...