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hey there everybody and welcome back to this video on
nine signs of avoidant attachment and ways to address them i'm your host dr donnelly snipes
in the other video we talked about anxious attachment now we're going to talk about avoidant
attachment and this is kind of at the other end but kind of not people who are anxiously attached
have an undercurrent of anxiety and they try to cling they tend to be overly enmeshed and
overly needy in relationships people with avoidant attachment experienced that anxiety experienced
that rejection for so long that they kind of gave up they just they figured you know people
too much trouble people with avoidant attachment tend to be dismissive of others when other people
want to get in relationships or do things it's just they don't have time for relationships
they often have a low frustration tolerance and give up easily at the things they do and
we're going to talk again about the parenting styles that led to this but i'll give you a hint
parents of people who become avoidant often were not willing to help their child with difficult
tasks and in fact scolded them or criticized them for not doing well enough so the child with
avoidant attachment feels like nobody's going to help so why should i try you know i try i run into
a problem no point asking for help because it's only going to get me criticized and ridiculed
and ain't nobody going to help me anyway so they won't ask for help they often minimize
their feelings and thoughts when they have feelings and thoughts that they become aware of
they don't pay attention to them or when people ask them
about their feelings and thoughts they minimize them that's no big deal whatever it's fine
they often feel ashamed for expressing emotion people who grew up in environments that produce
avoidant attachment were often criticized for being weak if they showed emotion or
if they disregulated they often have unrealistic expectations of themselves because their parents
had unrealistic expectations of them they have low self-esteem well parents unrealistic expectations
they couldn't meet those expectations not only couldn't they meet them you know even if they
had had help but the parents weren't even willing to help them so it was a double whammy so they
feel bad about themselves because they haven't they don't feel like they've ever been able to
do anything right many take it to the extent of believing they don't deserve love they have this
core shame because of how they grew up that they don't believe they deserve to be loved
and the relationships that they do have are often extremely superficial they have these
boundaries around their heart and around their thoughts that are like fortresses because whenever
they've shared before it's been criticized or ridiculed or negated so they don't let anybody
in any relationships that they have are going to stay up here on the super super surface level
so what causes avoidant attachment well parenting as i mentioned before and there are other things
but they found that people who grew grow up in certain environments tend to develop more avoidant
characteristics and the person who becomes anxious in their attachment grew up in insensitive
and inconsistent environments where sometimes the caregiver was accepting
sometimes rejecting sometimes just ignored them in the avoidant attachment household
the caregivers were insensitive again not necessarily always intentionally
sometimes the if the child was neuroatypical for example the caregiver may not have realized other
times the caregiver may have had an addiction or a mental health issue that kept them from
being able to even be consistently aware of the child's needs and sensitive to those
however when they did notice the child's needs when the child would cry when the child would have
a need the caregivers were rejecting the message was usually you're too much trouble you're never
good enough you don't deserve love or comfort so in these environments the caregiver either lacked
awareness of or responsiveness to the child's needs they lacked encouragement so when the
child would start to do something difficult they did not try to help they did not try to encourage
when the child went from pulling themselves up on furniture to stand to trying to walk
the caregiver didn't hold their arms out and go all right come take a step towards mommy it
was just like yeah let them do it they'll fall they'll get over it they'll figure it out so
they weren't there to help they weren't there to hold the back of the bike when the child
was trying to learn how to ride a bicycle for example all of those things that people with
secure attachments had with sensitive responsive caregivers had people with avoidant attachment
often did not have the person who grew up in this environment lacked safety and comfort
when they got upset when they would cry when they would get frustrated they were often shamed for
expressing their feelings for being weak and the caregivers as i mentioned often had unreal
unrealistic expectations for independence and performance the child never measured up
they were always told that they were never good enough and they were always too needy
interventions again obviously these are just a few things that might get you started there are a
lot of issues that need to be unpacked for people who grew up without a secure attachment but begin
with mindful journaling about the facts in the present context people with insecure attachment
are often basing their interpretations of the current situation on what happened to
them in the past how their caregivers reacted if you're in an adult relationship it's important to
look at the facts and consider with this person at this time what does this behavior mean
engage in mindful non-judgmental journaling and possibly discussion about your thoughts and
feelings people with avoidant attachment were taught to ignore their thoughts and feelings
that they were wrong or unimportant so it's important for them to start connecting with
themselves and start being consistently mindful of their thoughts wants and needs
it will be important for them just like for everybody else to identify what things
in the present trigger their abandonment or their rejection issues from the past
and process those so the past does not continue to negatively impact the present
it'll be important to develop distress tolerance skills such as distress tolerant thoughts mantras
that you can tell yourself that remind you that you can tolerate your emotions that you are in
in the driver's seat thoughts that say i'm unhooking i'm having this thought i'm having
this feeling right now instead of i am angry or i am out of control saying i'm having the
feeling that i'm angry or out of control now what do i do with this feeling that i have
activities can include square breathing to trigger the relaxation response
some people prefer to do other things like go on a walk or sing for example
guided imagery any sort of image that helps you feel
safe and empowered can be helpful for tolerating distress and sensations sometimes the best way to
turn your attention away from something that it feels overwhelming in the moment is to counter it
with something equally powerful like plunging your hands into a pitcher of ice water take steps to
develop friendships a lot of people with avoidant attachment have basically given up on other people
figured learned over time that the people in their past were not safe so they haven't
given anybody else a chance taking steps to start developing friendships doesn't mean
jumping into a relationship doesn't mean having to bear your soul to somebody
it means connecting with people in a meaningful way and starting to gradually develop trust
and respect boundaries while getting reassurance that it's not rejection and as opposed to anxious
attachment where the person with the anxious attachment fears rejection in avoidant attachment
it's important to respect boundaries and have your boundaries respected but also let the other
person know i need some space this is getting too too close for me too fast i'm not rejecting you
i just need to go a little bit slower so it's a little bit opposite
two people who are avoidant do not tend to do well together because you have two people who really
don't want to be in relationships and really don't trust one another so that's usually not a
good setup people who are avoidant have difficulty with people who are anxious because one wants to
pull away and one wants to run after so that tends to be a disaster the best relationship situation
for somebody who has avoidant attachment is with someone who is securely attached
someone who is securely attached can recognize that the person who is avoidant needs a little
bit more space may need to feel safer before they talk about their feelings and emotions etc
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avoid an attachment is one of three types of insecure attachment that may develop as a
result of insensitive rejecting parenting the person who is avoidantly attached
often is unaware or dismissive of their thoughts wants and needs they've often never felt safe in
the world or with other people they tend to have a low frustration tolerance because they were never
given encouragement when they failed before they were either criticized or just ignored
they have poor emotional awareness and regulation skills because they
were always taught that emotions are weakness and you need to keep that stuff buttoned down
changing avoidant attachment requires that the person feel safe in the present context
they need to feel like they are
able to express who they are without fear of rejection and that doesn't happen overnight
they need to feel like they're empowered so they need to be the one to set the pace of things
if they want to change their attachment style and you know if they do want to change their
attachment style again they need to be the one to control the pace this will help them
feel safer in the environment they need to recognize how their relationship behaviors
developed as a result of trying to survive a rejecting neglectful or abusive environment
they need to learn how to recognize and have compassion for their own thoughts wants and needs
instead of telling themselves that they're stupid for feeling a certain way
or criticizing themselves saying i shouldn't be upset over this non-judgmentally mindfully
aware of how they're feeling and have compassion for the fact that they do feel everybody feels
develop emotional awareness and regulation
and learn how to develop intimacy and genuine connection with others
if this video was helpful consider watching some of my other videos on abandonment anxiety
developing secure attachment complex ptsd
adverse childhood experiences or improving your relationship with yourself