- So many young, young people.
I'm not gonna tell you how old I am.
Let's just say it's somewhere
between 30 and a Walmart greeter.
(audience laughing)
I love getting older. I love it.
You're happier, you're more well adjusted,
you have more money, and the older you get,
you realize a very important thing.
People in their 20s do not know a damn thing about anything.
(audience applauding) People... No.
People in their 20s are good for one thing.
Looking better than people in their 30s or 40s.
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
So... (audience applauding)
If you're in your twenties, strike a pose
and shut the (beep) up. (audience laughing)
(audience cheering)
(dramatic music)
- I had a really big birthday during the lockdown.
I accidentally turned 40.
(audience cheering) Yeah, thanks.
Oh my God. Thank you.
They might actually edit that out
'cause I think it's illegal to say on Comedy Central
but... (audience laughing)
If you're a woman, but... (audience laughing)
I turned 40. I feel pretty good about it.
I don't know. (giggling) It's going fine.
I always wanted to be 40 when I was a kid.
Truly, like I thought, you know,
when you're an adult, that like, if you turn 40,
like all your dreams had come true
and you're living your best life.
And then in the middle of 2020,
I was telling jokes in parking lots
and selling pictures of my feet online.
(audience laughing) Not the birthday of my dreams.
Sometimes people think I'm younger.
I don't mean to assume,
but if that was you, like, thank you,
but I don't have any fucking skincare tips for you.
I just drink a ton of water and I don't have kids
and I've never been awake in the morning before.
(audience laughing)
(giggling) So, very good for your skin.
- I don't know, man. I'm...
I'm not...
You can't fear aging.
It's an unavoidable thing.
I'm not scared of catastrophic aging.
I kind of look forward to that.
Like when you just go to some doctor's appointment,
like, "You need all metal bones now."
Yeah. (audience laughing)
Awesome.
Sounds cool. (laughing)
"We need to put a pig's heart in you."
Fuck yeah. That sounds metal.
Put in two, man. (audience laughing)
Ronnie James Dio this shit. Load it up.
Gimme as many pig hearts as you can.
(audience laughing)
Got any other pig parts you wanna put in here?
Good story.
I don't like the little, like, just the weird stuff,
like where you pee, and when you're done peeing,
you put everything away and you just pee a little bit more.
(audience laughing) That's what I'm scared of
'cause that, just psychologically,
that just ruins your whole day.
And you can't even explain to people why.
You just stand around like, ugh.
(audience laughing)
I don't even want to go to the movies anymore.
(chuckles) That's the stuff.
I mean, there's some physical things, I'm fine.
Like I know, when I wake up in the morning
my bones sound like the last 15 seconds
of microwave popcorn.
Like, I'm used to that now.
That first walk to the bathroom it's just like
(imitates popping and cracking)
(audience laughing)
Shake the bag a little bit.
(popping continues) (audience laughing)
I think we got 'em all. We got 'em.
It's just like the mental slippage
that starts creeping me out.
Just the weird...
You guys read signs out loud.
It's that weird, bored Dad shit.
Just alone in the car. Silent.
"Chipotle." (audience laughing)
Why?
I don't even want that right now.
Like my brain is just running diagnostic checks.
I'm like an old space shuttle
that's going in for one last flight
so they gotta make sure everything's going all right,
you know, so I just walk around like,
"Hey, can you read that? Good, can you say it too?
All right, all systems go. Wheels up, baby."
(audience laughing)
But I realize it does that cuz the system still breaks down.
That's what upsets me
is that the system can still break down at any time.
Like I'll still bite my tongue which is unacceptable.
That's unacceptable for any living creature
past the age of four.
And I don't even get mad, I just get disappointed in myself.
I just bite my tongue. I'm like, "Come on.
It's been in there the whole time.
(audience applauding) (audience laughing)
You've had your tongue longer than you've had your teeth.
And we let us drive a car?
Quick, what does that say? 'Chipotle'
All right." (audience laughing)
- When I was in that cell, my body has not recovered
from that one night in jail.
Everything hurt.
Back hurt.
Think I'm a pretty fit athlete, you know?
Cause when, you know... Me, I try to stay fit.
You know, I play in the over-40 basketball league, you know?
I was MVP two years in a row.
Yeah. 41 and 42. (audience laughing)
I got cocky. I took my MVP game down to the gym.
The real gym where young boys play.
'Cause when you in the over-40 league, you know,
it's easy, it's easy.
You know, you quick, you out there doing your thing
and people over 40 got respect.
When somebody hit a shot on you,
they just run down the court and they look at you.
"That's it, boy. Got you." That's it.
Young boys are disrespectful.
They're disrespectful up in that gym.
So I'm down, I'm at the gym,
and I got my situation down, you know what I'm saying?
My defense is tight on this young boy.
I'm right here with it.
Man, this little young boy crossed me over so fast that I...
Lemme tell you something.
I know y'all know what a crossover is.
I know you know what a crossover is.
When somebody go this way
and then cut back this way real fast with the ball.
The man crossed me over so fast
that I just went to the water fountain.
(audience laughing)
I had to ask other people.
I said, "Did you see him? Did you see it?"
The dude say, "Man you just got AI-ed"
I said, "AI-ed? what the hell is AI-ed?
This dude say, "Hey man,
remember when Allen Iverson crossed over Jordan?"
I said, "Yeah," he said, "Yeah, that's AI-ed."
I said, "I'll be damned you gonna cross me over
and gimme a nickname out here.
I'll be god dammed." (audience laughing)
And said, "The young boy disrespectful, man.
He disrespectful."
I'm running down the court, he next to me.
"Yeah, boy. Yeah, you just got a AI-ed, boy."
So people don't remember the very next play,
very next play, Jordan came down here, long-range jumper,
in Allen Iverson's face.
Very next play.
I said, "Yeah, that's what I'm going to do.
That's what I'm gonna do."
Ball up. Ball up.
Ball up, ball up. Ran up on the young boy.
(grunts) Long-range jumper.
Shot the ball, hit the jumper, back went out.
(audience laughing)
Man, I'm going out the damn gym in a stretcher.
Wait, oh...
When they about to reel me out, I say,
"Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
My son's in the daycare. My son's in the daycare."
So they had to go in the daycare and find my son
and my son, I can't help him
'cause I'm on the stretcher already.
So the paramedics is picking up random black kids
showing 'em to me.
"This your baby right here? This here?
What about, what about this one? This yours?
This yours right here?" (audience laughing)
And I know it took 20 minutes
'cause my son ain't gonna let nobody just grab him.
This motherfucker running, sliding, fighting 'em.
So they finally get my son, finally get my son,
put my son on my chest.
Now I'm getting rolled outta the gym
like a goddam NFL player.
(audience laughing)
Do you know when you go out a gym
on a stretcher...
...You know you can never go back to the gym again?
(audience laughing) Do you know that?
Six months later, man, I walked into that gym,
the dude's like, "Ooh, there go Stretcher Man."
I said, "I aint no god damn stretcher man."
(audience laughing)
- Me and four of my girlfriends,
we went down to South Beach, man.
hanging out in Miami on South Beach drinking,
all in our little thong bikinis on,
letting it all hang out and feeling sexy, feeling 26
until some real 26-year-olds walked by.
(audience laughing)
"Hmm. I'll put that down."
(audience laughing)
"Pass me my sarong, right." (audience laughing)
"Got windy out here, didn't it?"
Yeah, a little 26-year-old wind
just whipped right through here, didn't it?
- Getting a little older.
And when you say that and you're 22,
people immediately think you're a dick.
(audience laughing)
But like, I'm the oldest I've ever been.
So like to me, I've been around.
Like, I've noticed little things getting older.
Like now, I can't get hard
by just like looking at a picture of a girl.
Yeah. I can't do it anymore.
At first I thought I was gay.
I was like, "Oh no, I'm gay now."
I was like, "That's what this means."
No, I didn't know, like, when you get older,
you can't just like get hard.
I didn't know you have to like bat it around
and get it going, you know? (audience laughing)
I used to be able to get hard at any picture of a girl.
She didn't have to be naked.
As long as she was kind of like this,
like, I could always just jerk off
if there's some sort of a tilt.
- Getting older, you know?
I know I'm getting older
cause I've started making pleasure noises
when I sit down, you know? (audience laughing)
I'm like, "Oh." (groaning loudly)
(exhales loudly) "That was a good one."
Like reflect on it for a few seconds.
I'm like, "Oh, that was like top five ever.
That was a good sit. Thank you, stool."
That's also how I thank my own poop.
(audience laughing)
- I love my baby. I'm very excited to be a mom.
I had a child later in life.
It's known as advanced maternal age.
It used to be called geriatric pregnancy.
(audience laughing)
The actual medical term for it though is old pussy.
I have... (audience laughing)
...a very old pussy.
You can't tell, but my vagina is actually using a walker
to get across the stage
and there's a butterscotch candy between its lips, so.
(audience laughing) So old.
I'm not even...
Okay, I'm 87 and I...
Thank you. (audience cheering)
I know, I look amazing.
No, I do look good for my age cause I'm Italian.
I'm sure you've heard like, "Black don't crack."
For Italians, it's, "Salami? Looking good, mommy."
That's what... (audience laughing)
...My Nona used to say.
I only feel old when I go to the beach.
I don't know if anyone else has had this experience,
but like, I used to run into the ocean, frolic in the waves.
But now I've started to do what I call
the old-lady sea bath.
I don't know if you know what I mean by that,
but it's like when you walk up
right to where the ocean meets the sand
and you bend down like very slow
'cause your joints are starting to hurt
and you kind of like scoop and wash, you know?
You just sorta scoop water onto your swim skirt
and you're like, (audience laughing)
"Ooh, that's nice.
Ooh, ooh.
Ooh. Oh, salty," you know?
- I'm single.
Which is confusing. - It's good!
No, it's not. (audience laughing)
'Cause I have boobs big enough
for each of them to have their own boyfriend.
(audience laughing)
If you want big titties, go to church, that's what I did.
These genes came from Jesus.
You're welcome. Listen. (audience laughing)
Because I get real confused cause I'm like,
"Men love titties, right?"
And they love a big ass. I have both of those.
So I'm like, "All right, two plus two equals married."
(audience laughing)
Yeah, it's weird to get up in the morning
and be beautiful and single and be like,
"What the (beep) is happening?"
And the shit's hitting me real hard cuz I'm in my 30s.
Don't tell my manager. I'm in my 30s.
(audience laughing)
And my best friend just tried to warn me.
She's like, "Listen, when you turn 30,
your body's gonna freak out."
And I was like, "Lies, bitch, lies."
(audience laughing) And then I turned 30.
Then my biological clock
went from snooze to European techno.
(audience laughing)
So now every time I see a child,
I just hear pah, pah, "Have a baby,"
pah, "It's awesome," pah, "It'll love you."
Wait a minute.
I got things to do today. Okay?
Are there any women here in their 20s?
(audience cheering)
All right, lemme talk to y'all for a second
cuz nobody told me.
You have to listen to me, I'm a black woman.
That's why Oprah's a billionaire, okay?
You have to listen to me.
Oprah's the only reason white women read.
Let's talk about that. So... (audience laughing)
I need to tell you something
'cause nobody tried to warn me and I didn't wanna listen.
Nobody told me so I'm trying to help y'all.
I want y'all to know you've never been horny before.
I'm telling you right now. They didn't tell me, all right?
And you know what that silence is?
Every woman in her 30s going,
"Tell these bitches the truth."
(audience laughing)
Nobody told me...
...because I don't wanna have sex, I wanna mate.
That's a completely different part of your brain.
Okay? (audience applauding)
You don't think I didn't walk in here and figure out
at least five dudes I wanna bang before this special's over?
You're crazy.
Hi, sir. I'm not kidding! (audience laughing)
What up, green shirt? This is not a joke!
(audience cheering)
(audience applauding)
Glasses, what's up?
Listen, I'm not playing with y'all, okay?
Because I wake up every morning and my body goes,
"Gimme a baby."
I'm like, "Hey man, I gotta go to work today."
(audience laughing)
"Gimme a baby." I gotta catch a flight not a fetus.
No, I can't. (audience laughing)
"Gimme a baby!"
Listen, I need a child
'cause I've looked like a mother of three
since I was 15 years old, okay?
And I'm not saying that to be messed up.
I've had huge boobs and this body.
I look like that somebody should be
asking me questions on a regular basis.
That's all I'm saying. (audience laughing)
- I think maybe I'm getting older and more conservative.
I guess...
I realize that every second that I'm alive,
the world cares less about me.
It's just a very, linear downward progression.
And it sounds cynical because you guys are young
and you're full with life and I want you to understand
this is it, you know?
This is... (audience laughing)
You are...
You have nothing to look forward to because you're peaking.
If you're not having fun now, kill yourself.
(audience laughing)
I don't mean that in a bad way,
just it's not worth it to go forward.
My eyes started going so I bought glasses. 700 bucks!
I went home and I noticed for the first time
that my wife had sprouted her first chin whisker.
(audience groaning) And I threw them out.
(audience laughing)
And I realized the only way you stay married
for a long time is to not save your senses.
They should fail.
Your hearing should go, your sense of smell.
You ever see an old couple walking down,
just arm in arm, going like one mile an hour?
And you're like, "That's so sweet."
No, he's got a bad hip, her knee went,
this is the only way they can walk upright.
(audience laughing)
They're just trying to make it
to the finish line at this point.
(upbeat music)