-Welcome, welcome, welcome to the "Tonight Show"!
You're here. [ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you for watching.
Well, guys, today marks one full year
in office for President Biden.
It's been a challenging a year. When asked what he's learned,
Biden said, "Being vice president
was a hell of a lot more fun."
[ Laughter ]
A year ago, Biden pledged to address COVID, the economy,
climate change, and racial injustice.
And, good news, after 12 months of tireless effort,
we're all getting three free masks.
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
That's right.
[ Laughter ]
This is nice. Biden's inaugural committee
marked his anniversary by releasing a video
touting America's recovery, narrated by Tom Hanks.
Hanks wasn't the first choice, but staffers had to explain
to Biden that Gary Cooper died 60 years ago.
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, yesterday, in his two-hour press conference,
Biden -- two-hour press conference?
[ Laughter ] Biden covered a lot
and said the U.S. might not do anything
if Russia's invasion of Ukraine is only minor.
Yeah. [ Laughter ]
One of his few slip-ups. And it's a big deal,
'cause at Biden's age, any slip could be a catastrophe.
You know... [ Laughter ]
What is a minor invasion? [ Laughter ]
A soldier sticks one foot in Ukraine?
He's like, "Just kidding!" [ Laughter ]
Well, today, Biden tried to clear things up by saying
any Russian invasion would be met
with severe economic response.
Biden was like, "Try me, tough guy,
and I'll turn your economy into ours."
[ Laughter ]
Yep, over time, Biden will hit Putin with economic penalties.
In other words, Biden is using the same strategy as Netflix.
[ Laughter ]
"It's only another dollar.
Can't stop now." [ Laughter ]
During the press conference, Biden also said
that Kamala Harris would be his running mate again in 2024.
Then he mentioned they're already working
on potential campaign slogans for their re-election.
Take a look at these. First up, there's...
[ Laughter ]
Next, they have...
[ Laughter ]
And, finally, there's...
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
Pretty good.
Some business news -- today, Amazon announced
that this year, it's opening its own
clothing store, called Amazon Style.
Though, I'm not sure Amazon Style is the best option
when your founder dresses like this.
But I don't know. Maybe I'm... [ Laughter ]
That's right. Amazon is focusing on clothing.
Even crazier, Abercrombie & Fitch
is going to start launching people into space.
[ Laughter ] Isn't that...
Well, this is fun. I saw that Queen Elizabeth
is getting into the condiment business.
That's right, she's releasing her own
royal estate tomato sauce.
Yeah, the Queen says tomato sauce is just like
her mother's servant used to make.
[ Laughter ]
Did you guys see this? Last week, Prince Andrew
was stripped of his royal status,
and now his official Twitter and YouTube accounts
have been deleted.
The Queen was like, "No Twitter, no YouTube.
Now go to your castle."
[ Laughter ]
I saw that the CEO of crypto.com just confirmed that it suffered
a security breach, and hundreds of accounts were hacked.
That's terrible.
I mean, if you can't trust a website called crypto.com...
[ Laughter ]
Hey, I heard that police in Canada are looking for a man
who allegedly stole an $8,000 guitar
by hiding it in his pants.
[ Laughter ]
The first giveaway?
Guitar-shaped pants.
[ Laughter ]
When he was approached by security, he was like,
"Oh, I walked in with this guitar in my pants."
[ Laughter ]
The guy was easy to spot. He was the one
walking away from the store like...
[ Guitar strumming ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Strumming continues ]
[ Laughter ]
Finally, a home listing in Wisconsin has gone viral
because of the house's unusual bathroom setup.
Take a look at this. It's real.
-Oh! [ Laughter ]
-It's weird when you knock on the door and three people
are like, "Occupied!" [ Laughter ]
♪ Occupied ♪ -♪ Occupied ♪
-♪ Occupied ♪ -♪ Occupied ♪
-♪ Occupied ♪
-We have a great show!
Give it up for The Roots, ladies and gentlemen.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-What a great show we have for you tonight.
He stars in the new series "MacGruber,"
which is streaming now on Peacock,
and he's hosting "Saturday Night Live"
this weekend with musical guest Maneskin.
Will Forte is here! -Wow!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Forte!
Plus, she is amazing.
From the HBO series "The White Lotus" --
boy, that was a home run --
Jennifer Coolidge is here. -Yeah!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-And his new album, "DS4Ever," is number one
on the Billboard 200 albums chart right now.
We got music from Gunna! -Whoa!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-"DS4Ever."
First of all, I want to say a quick happy birthday
to our pal Questlove. It's his, uh...
-Aww! [ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah! -Happy birthday, bud!
-Thank you.
-So much going on. A lot to talk about.
I mean, it's Questlove's birthday.
Today is Joe Biden's one-year anniversary as president.
This is actually nice. A lot of people
reached out to congratulate Biden.
-Really? -Yeah, check out
some of the text messages he got.
For instance, Kamala Harris wrote,
-Aww. [ Laughter ]
-Isn't that nice? -That's sweet.
She cares. -Yeah.
And former president Obama wrote...
[ Laughter and applause ]
Nice again. -Well...
-Next up, Joe Manchin wrote...
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Come on! That's a good one.
-"As much as I'd like to -- I just can't do it."
-Can't do it. -No.
-Then, Tom Brady wrote...
[ Laughter and applause ]
Next up, Bernie sanders wrote...
[ Laughter and applause ]
And then, Donald Trump wrote...
-Oh. [ Laughter and applause ]
-And finally, Prince Andrew wrote...
Well, it's nice to hear from everybody.