Hi Everybody! Lisa A. Romano here the break through life coach and today I'm going
to talk about the three e's of narcissism and what you need to look out
for there are three distinctive qualities of a narcissist that if you
pay attention to these three characteristics you will be able to
avoid tremendous trauma and drama in your life so the first one is a lack of
empathy the second one is a sense of entitlement and the third one is
exploitation so let's pull it apart so let's say you're on a date with someone
and you tell this person that you feel tired and you are talking about feeling
drained you're a schoolteacher you have a bunch of five-year-olds that you had
to deal with all day and you feel very very tired
and the principal threw a bunch of work at you and you're just really drained
let's say you talk about a child in your class that is a little bit more
difficult than the others and again you're talking about frustration if
you're dealing with somebody who does encounter back with tell me about that
oh wow that sounds really difficult if you don't feel like that person is able
to see you or to mirror back the idea that they're able to hear your emotions
what you're sharing that's something to look out for on a first date let's say
or that's something to look out for in a relationship or you know you're looking
for that type of a pattern in a relationship if you notice that you are
with someone who has a lack of empathy for other people who very rarely if ever
acknowledged people's pain if you're in a conversation with somebody who is a
narcissist and you talk about how you feel your feelings will not be validated
and your feelings will not be mirrored in fact you will be exploited you will
be minimized you will be marginalized you could stand there crying blue in the
face after finding a narcissist who has cheated on you and they will absolutely
not take responsibility for how you feel they could have squandered all your
money they will not care how you feel they won't care that you know
cannot pay your mortgage they won't care that you might be evicted they won't
care so a narcissist lacks empathy for you completely if you are sick they will
not care if you get cancer they do not care they will only care
about how your disease or your issue affects them so a lack of empathy is
definitely something that we need to look out for in the people that we're
dealing with on a day to day basis MRSA cysts are grandiose in that they believe
that what they think and what they feel and what they need and what they want
they're absolutely entitled to if they have a feeling if they're angry they
feel entitled to lash out if they have a if they are frustrated they feel
entitled to tell you and to lash out and to even blame you for why they feel
frustrated many narcissists are known to be deceptive they think nothing of
cutting the line wherever you wherever they are right so it could be the line
at the movie theater the line at the bank
it could be cutting people off in traffic there's a sense of my needs come
before everyone else is a sense of entitlement they feel entitled to say
and to do and to feel and to behave any way they want to if they're irritated at
you they feel entitled to embarrass you they have no remorse about embarrassing
you minimizing you and making you feel less
than them so there's this incredible sense of entitlement they feel entitled
to embarrass the waitress they feel entitled to make fun of your children
they feel entitled to take things from you to borrow your clothes to take your
car they feel entitled to take money out of your bank account if they feel the
need to they feel entitled to invite people to your home right they feel
entitled to steal your home from you I actually dated somebody who I believe
was trying to steal my home from me and who was also at the same time dating at
least seven other people so sent detectives that I had to speak to who
informed me that the person that I was dating stole his mother's house and he
was dating women who in their own houses and so when you
began to put the pieces of the puzzle together this man lacked empathy from me
he felt entitled to lie to me to deceive me to deceive all these other women and
he even felt entitled to possibly even steal my own house from me narcissus
feel entitled to say and do what they want to do right so whatever comes to
their mind they feel like it's within their what their right and they feel
entitled to put their needs above the needs of anyone else if you know the
children are hungry and the narcissus one is hungry the narcissus wants to eat
before the kids and the narcissus will be upset that the kids ate before he or
she ate if the narcissist is irritable and wants to leave let's say an
amusement park or a movie theater and everyone else the whole entire family is
enjoying this experience the narcissus will actually pick everybody up or
control the situation make everybody uncomfortable so that they leave that
experience because they are unhappy whatever the narcissist feels the
narcissist wants to make sure that everyone else is aware that they are in
control so if a narcissist is upset and a narcissist wants to leave and the
family doesn't want to leave then the narcissist feels entitled to make
everyone else feel bad and to destroy the mood of everyone else so that the
outcome is we all go home this is the way the narcissist maintains power and
control over a family unit this also goes back to lacking empathy so if a
narcissist is irritable and pissed off there's that family outing let's say
we're all at the zoo and for whatever whatever reason the narcissist is
annoyed maybe the kids are having too much fun they're not showing the
narcissist enough appreciation or something else take the narcissist off
and in spite of how everyone else is feeling the narcissist will not have
empathy for the family and will feel entitled to have his experience or her
experience Trump the experience of everyone else narcissists also exploit
they exploit people you know just as a way to get there
so if you've got something a narcissist once the narcissist will exploit you
until they get it they will exploit your emotions they will exploit your
vulnerabilities I think one of the most difficult things to heal after being
abused by a narcissist is this idea that you have shared yourself with them and
aside from having them lack empathy for you
minimizing you marginalizing you and feeling entitled to do all of that
there's this level of exploitation and you get comfortable with the narcissist
they love bomb you they pull you in you begin to trust them and then slowly over
time they begin to insult you and here it comes here comes all these insults
right they start to again minimize you and make you doubt the way this
narcissist really feels about you they want you incapacitated by your fear
of what they might think about you they want you in fear of that and what is so
difficult to wrap our minds around at least I think so is this idea that our
vulnerabilities were exploited I remember when I was married to my
ex-husband and I didn't know it at the time I didn't understand emotional
exploitation I didn't understand emotional manipulation I didn't
understand gas lighting I didn't even understand narcissism I had no clue of
codependency I wasn't even sure that I was being emotionally abused I just knew
that I felt off I felt crazy I felt sick all the time I had brain fog all the
time I wasn't really sure if this person loved me or hated me I sort of felt like
we were in an adversarial relationship it felt more like a boxing ring and he
was on one side and I was on the other and I kept going into the middle trying
to try to get him to come into the middle and every time he got close he
knocked me out it was just a maddening experience but like a true codependent
that would that suffered attachment trauma who believed she wasn't good
enough I always thought it was my fault do you have a relationship with
someone and you marry this person over time you generally begin sharing with
them things that have happened to you in your past and I can tell you that I
remember being hurt the most when he threw something that I shared with him
in my face so he was exploiting my emotional wounds so if I said I felt
like my mother didn't love me when I was a child when in the middle of an
argument or when I was gaining ground in an argument he would say something like
even your own mother told me you were difficult even your own mother
never loved you or even your old mother didn't like you it's not me Lisa your
own mother doesn't like you and he was exploiting me he was exploiting my
wounds he was exploiting my emotions and he was gaslighting me and his main goal
was to get me to feel paralyzed so we stop talking about what we were talking
about and you know what most of the time it worked because he would say something
like even your own mother doesn't like you and I would feel so hurt that I
would say to him how could you say that like why would you say that and then I
was wrapped up in how could my husband say that what does this mean and in all
of that confusion guess what happened he created a smoke screen and we were no
longer talking about the thing that I wanted us to talk about I understand is
that narcissism is about securing a narcissistic supply and my ex-husband
took my vulnerabilities and on cue exploited them for his sense of
narcissistic supply I now understand that he was always in search of
maintaining this inner balance of that allowed him to feel in control over the
people in his environment mostly how his narcissism where it was obvious it
played out with the children and I when he was around other people
neighbors and so on what he was doing was he was exploiting how people saw him
by manipulating how people saw him and so strangers always got the best version
of my ex-husband and so while he was manipulating and exploiting the
perceptions of the people that saw him he was securing narcissistic supply from
others outside of the family dynamic and also exploiting the vulnerabilities of
myself and our children and so he was securing narcissistic supply from as
many people as he possibly could he would not tell the truth he would lie to
his parents then come home and lie to me he would lie to the children and in all
of these lies there he was maintaining the sense of balance and control from
these various sources of narcissistic supply another interesting dynamic about
narcissists and their need or their drive to secure narcissistic supply is
that they can appear to have empathy so if you have proven to be a valid source
of narcissistic supply the narcissist can show up for you at least on the
surface because in showing up for you you are supplying them with their
narcissistic supply because you now see this person as altruistic you see this
person as a great person my ex-husband would answer the phone in the middle of
the night and travel to go fix a flat tire for someone because he knew that
this person was going to be bragging about what a wonderful person he was but
with the children and I who were already kind of lashed in and in his head
we were already stuck in this situation he didn't come off that way with us he
got the narcissistic supply by power over us so when we had an emotion when
we shared an emotion with him he exploited that emotion he didn't have
empathy for that emotion he felt entitled to ignore what we were feeling
and so when we became the type of narcissistic supply that wasn't
glorifying him we became a source of narcissistic supply that he could tap
into by using power over us through a lack event that they exploitation of our
feelings and through a sense of entitlement
he felt entitled to be able to treat us in this narcissistic way where he was
creating power over us is so mind-boggling when you recognize that
narcissists will exploit anyone and they feel entitled to exploit anyone and they
have absolutely zero empathy for how their behavior affects other people when
dealing with a narcissist if you're asking yourself is this person
a narcissist remember the three e's because they sort of they interface they
interlock right because somebody who feels entitled does not have empathy for
other people generally and somebody who feels entitled in lacks empathy will
tend to exploit the needs of others it's really really difficult after you've
been hooked by a narcissist to be able to sort these things out because so
often times you're dealing with the narcissist who is using confusing
language and says will I love you but if you weren't so emotional you'd be easier
to love or if you weren't so paranoid you wouldn't worry about how many women
I talk to at work or if you were a better lover then I wouldn't have to go
out and have sex with other men I'll be doing a video soon about the things
narcissists say and one of the things that I will be sharing in that video is
a comment from a woman who I asked viewers to please give me your input let
me know some of the things that narcissus have said to you and she wrote
me and she said my narcissus said to me literally said this that I wear condoms
when I have sex with other women out of respect for you I would never open
myself up to a sexually transmitted disease
I would never open up myself and the woman
loved-up - a sexually transmitted disease so when I'm cheat on you I wear
a condom okay lack of empathy for how this woman feels
he feels entitled to exploit other women and this woman right no empathy
exploitation and he feels entitled to do all of this he's exploiting this woman's
emotions for him she is exploiting her feelings for him this is what
narcissists do as you move forward and you learn more about narcissism try to
see if you can find a pattern that contains the three es because generally
like I said they tend to interlock and and weave over one another those are the
traits that I look for because not everybody that we argue it is a
narcissist not everybody that we dislike and dislikes us is a narcissist but
generally people who are narcissistic or who have high narcissistic traits are
people who feel entitled to exploit other people and so that means if there
is a job promotion at work then someone who has the high narcissistic traits
will lie and do everything that they can to make sure that they secure at that
position and if they have to lie and have a lack of empathy for you if they
have to triangulate you against you if they have to deceive other people when
it comes to you if they have to withhold work from yous that you can't finish the
project so that they can have the position they feel entitled to they are
going to do it it can be a crazy world out there and those of us who are on the
codependency spectrum where we are other focus not self focused we have to be
careful right we need a higher awareness about the way that we feel the way we
think and how we interface with the 3d world because we are lining up with
narcissistic people because narcissists are self focused and codependents or
other focus so it's a hand in a glove we're also both shame based the
narcissist is shame based and a codependent is shame based but a
narcissist deals with the shame by controlling and manipulating the people
for narcissistic supply a codependent generally tries to become a people
pleaser a fixer and enabler tries to take care of other people and tries to
gain validation through works through self sacrifice both shame based but
interface their ego interfaces in the 3d world
differently and with different intentions we need to know this
information especially if we are on the codependency spectrum and or if we have
high empathy and Pat's want to help and fix everybody we feel other people's
pain and past have reported to me that they can feel the shame of a narcissist
and in their in their being they have a desire to love this narcissist and show
them that there is a better way when ends up happening is true narcissist
will totally debilitate an impact and can really cause true emotional and
psychological damage in many of the cases through the sheer abuse and
exploitation of the empaths vulnerabilities kindness and generosity
and the ability to feel other people's feelings so I hope this video has helped
I hope is create a little bit more clarity and those of you who are
wondering how can I be a little bit more skillful on my path when I am trying to
avoid people who have high narcissistic traits remember the three e's I hope
this is helped bye for now nameste dear ones until next time