WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
WE ARE JUST HOURS AWAY FROM THE ROYAL WEDDING.
( CHEERING ) WOO, INDEED.
IT'S A FAIRYTALE WEDDING-- IF THE FAIRYTALE IS ABOUT BEING
MARRIED TO THE SIXTH IN LINE FOR THE CROWN OF A CONSTITUTIONAL
MONARCHY WHO LACKS ANY POWER AND EXISTS PURELY AS A TOURIST TRAP.
( LAUGHTER ) STILL, MEGHAN MARKEL IS AN
AMERICAN, FELLOW NORTHWESTERN GRAD, SO I HAVE TO
GET THEM A GIFT, BUT THEIR REGISTRY IS RIDICULOUS-- THE
ONLY ITEMS LEFT ARE A GILDED CLOCK TOWER AND A MOAT.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO WRAP A MOAT.
NOW, THE CEREMONY STARTS AT 7:00 A.M. EASTERN TIME.
TOMORROW MORNING.
SO, FINALLY, I'LL BE ABLE TO SLEEP THROUGH A WEDDING AT HOME.
WE FINALLY LEARNED WHO'S GOING TO BE IN MEGHAN'S BRIDAL PARTY!
SHE'LL BE JOINED AT THE ALTAR BY SIX BRIDESMAIDS, INCLUDING
THREE-YEAR-OLD PRINCESS CHARLOTTE.
( CHEERING ) SHE IS SO ADORABLE.
SO CUTE!
BUT IT'S REALLY GOING TO CHANGE THE BACHELORETTE PARTY.
"GOOD EVENING, LADIES-- SOMEONE CALL THE BOBBIES OVER A NOISE
COMPLAINT?
AND UHHH-- I'LL BE KEEPING MY PANTS ON."
( LAUGHTER ) THEN OF COURSE THERE WAS THE
DRAMA SURROUNDING THE BRIDE'S FATHER.
HE WON'T BE ATTENDING ON SATURDAY FOR HEALTH REASONS.
AND HE DID CAUSE A BIT OF STIR WHEN HE SOLD FAKE PAPARAZZI
PICTURES OF HIS PREPARATION FOR THE WEDDING.
AND HE'S NOT ALONE.
MARKLE'S HALF-SISTER WROTE A BOOK CALLED "THE DIARY OF
PRINCESS PUSHY'S SISTER," AND MEGHAN'S NEPHEW IS GROWING A NEW
MARIJUANA STRAIN CALLED "MARKLE'S SPARKLE".
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
( LAUGHTER ) REALLY?
SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD TIME, BUT I STILL PREFER A DIME BAG OF QUEEN
ELIZA-SPLIFF.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, BACK IN AMERICA, I'VE
NEVER THOUGHT THAT DONALD TRUMP IS THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE
SHED.
BUT I HAVE TO ADMIT, I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT HE'S A TOOL.
( LAUGHTER ) AND TODAY --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OH, WOW!
SURE.
TOOL USERS.
( LAUGHTER ) AND, TODAY, WE GOT ANOTHER
GLIMPSE OF WHAT THE PRESIDENT IS LIKE IN PRIVATE FROM ACTUAL
BILLIONAIRE BILL GATES.
AT -- WHAT WAS HE AT?
HE WAS AT SOMETHING.
HE WAS AT SOMETHING WHERE GATES WAS ON
STAGE, GATES TOLD THE STORY ABOUT THE FIRST TIME HE MET
TRUMP IN 2016, IT WAS WEIRD FROM THE START.
>> WHEN I WALKED IN, HIS FIRST SENTENCE KIND OF THREW ME OFF.
HE SAID, "TRUMP HEARS THAT YOU DON'T LIKE WHAT TRUMP IS DOING."
( LAUGHTER ) AND I THOUGHT, "WOW, BUT YOU'RE
TRUMP."
( APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
>> STEPHEN: GATES DOESN'T KNOW TRUMP TALKS ABOUT HIMSELF IN THE
THIRD PERSON?
COLBERT IS SHOCKED.
( LAUGHTER ) AND LATER, GATES TRIED TO GIVE
THEN PRESIDENT-ELECT TRUMP SOME ADVICE.
>> ANYWAYS, SO I SAW HIM IN TRUMP TOWER, AND I SAID, "HEY,
SCIENCE AND INNOVATION IS A GREAT THING.
YOU SHOULD BE A LEADER WHO DRIVES INNOVATION.
YOU KNOW, PICK THINGS YOU WANT TO DO THAT ARE BIG.
H.I.V. VACCINE, YOU COULD ACCELERATE THAT.
BE ASSOCIATED WITH INNOVATIONS.
HE WANTED TO KNOW IF THERE WAS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN H.I.V. AND
H.P.V.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S AN EASY MISTAKE.
WE ALL REMEMBER THAT FAMOUS SCENE IN PHILADELPHIA WHERE TOM
HANKS IS TOLD HE HAS AN IRREGULAR PAP SMEAR.
( LAUGHTER ) BEAUTIFUL.
I CAN'T HELP BUT NOTICE THAT HE'S TALKING TO THE BIGGEST NERD
IN THE WORLD ABOUT SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES?
WHAT DOES TRUMP TALK TO THE PORN STARS ABOUT?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) "HEY, LOOK, LOOK -- I -- HEY,
STORMY, GET IN HERE.
WHY CAN'T I OPEN ADOBE READER?" ( LAUGHTER )
"I THINK I HAVE H.P.V. IN MY P.D.F."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) SO DUMB.
SO DUMB.
SO DUMB!
GATES ACTUALLY MET WITH TRUMP TWICE TO DISCUSS HIS SCIENCE
INITIATIVES, AND TRUMP ASKED IF H.I.V. AND H.P.V. WERE THE SAME
THING BOTH TIMES.
"ALSO, HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THIS HGTV?
I HEARD YOU COULD CATCH IT FROM OPEN CONCEPT KITCHENS ."
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THAT'S NOT THE ONLY BASIC
SCIENCE QUESTION TRUMP ASKED GATES.
"HE ASKED ME IF VACCINES WEREN'T A BAD THING BECAUSE HE WAS
CONSIDERING A COMMISSION TO LOOK INTO ILL EFFECTS OF VACCINES.
AND I SAID, "NO, THAT'S A DEAD END, THAT'D BE A BAD THING,
DON'T DO THAT."
WELL, AT LEAST GATES KNOWS THAT YOU HAVE TO TALK TO TRUMP LIKE
YOU'RE TALKING TO FRANKENSTEIN.
"FIRE, BAD!
VACCINE, GOOD!" ( LAUGHTER )
GATES ALSO TOLD THE STORY OF WHEN HIS DAUGHTER MET TRUMP.
>> HE KNEW MY DAUGHTER JENNIFER BECAUSE TRUMP HAS THIS HORSE
SHOW THING DOWN IN FLORIDA.
IN FACT, HE WENT UP AND TALKED TO JEN AND WAS BEING SUPER NICE.
AND THEN, LIKE 20 MINUTES LATER, HE FLEW IN ON A HELICOPTER TO
THE SAME PLACE.
SO, CLEARLY HE HAD BEEN DRIVEN AWAY BUT HE WANTED TO MAKE A
GRAND ENTRANCE IN A HELICOPTER.
( LAUGHTER ) WHOO!
(THEME SONG PLAYS) WHOO!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SOME PEOPLE ARE SO NEEDY.
( LAUGHTER ) TO TOP IT OFF, TRUMP GOT VERY
TRUMP ABOUT BILL GATES' DAUGHTER.
>> IT WAS ACTUALLY KIND OF SCARY HOW WELL HE KNEW-- HOW MUCH HE
KNEW ABOUT MY DAUGHTER'S APPEARANCE.
>> STEPHEN: WHAT'S WEIRD ABOUT THAT?
"HEY BILL, YOUR DAUGHTER IS HOT.
NOT IVANKA-HOT, BUT YOU KNOW."