Hello I m Darren Magee and today s topic is looking at some of the more common tactics that
are used by covert or vulnerable narcissists. Tactics that are used to control, manipulate,
coerce, to guilt and shame, abuse their victims. Now if you like this video, if you find it
helpful please click like and please consider subscribing to my channel. But just as a reminder,
this video is not a substitute for support from a mental health professional, nor is it a tool to be
used to diagnose someone. And when I'm referring to narcissism, I'm not just talking about someone
who can be difficult or stubborn. Someone who can be nasty or selfish once in awhile. I'm talking
about pathological narcissism. Now, when I say pathological, what I mean is it is persistent,
it is consistent. And some of the characteristics could be defined as being, being disagreeable.
There is a sense of self importance, a sense of entitlement. There is, there's arrogance, there,
there's a lack of empathy and there's been either resistant or sensitive to criticism.
And there are different kinds of narcissism, which I've outlined in previous videos.
The most common being the overt or the grandiose narcissist. And the other, on the other extreme,
and the topic for today's video, the covert or the vulnerable narcissist. Now you may not hear
the following things word for word. However, you might recognise variations of them. Other times
these things may be unspoken, but they would still be strongly implied through different behaviours.
And although there may be differences and how they re used or phrased, these tactics would
commonly applied to any long term relationship with a covert narcissist. Now that could be
a long term partner, a husband or a wife. It could be a family member, a friend or a work colleague.
And before I begin, remember when it comes to dealing with a narcissist,
particularly when we're dealing having some kind of contentious interaction, more often not word
dealing with three different variations of the same person. First of all, they are justified.
Secondly, they are innocent. Thirdly, they are victimised. But one way or another when you're
dealing with a narcissist, regardless of where on spectrum they are they are never responsible,
are never responsible for their own behaviour, and they are certainly not responsible
for the impact their behaviour has on other people. The expression I often use is,
they wet the bed and they blame the blanket. So let's look at some of those coercive tactics. And
in no particular order. But the first one is I'm too ill, I'm too weak, I'm too helpless to accept
any responsibility for my words or my actions Now this can sometimes look like performing outrageous
illnesses, over exaggerated injuries or, or weeping openly in front of their victims. Now
sometimes there may be a genuine health condition, or maybe a genuine physical condition, but it
tends to get milked to the nth agree, especially when they're called out on something. Either that
or they just milk it in order to control others. Remember, unlike their grandiose counterpart who
is very resistant to criticism and can become aggressive, intimidating, even threatening,
the vulnerable narcissist is highly sensitive to criticism and tends to play the victim.
They react, they behave as if their very wounded and helpless. I often think of this is as,
don't shout at me. I'm not very well. The next one is, look at the hurt you cause when you say
no. Now this often involves, say, a performance. They point at their face as they weep. They walk
around with their knuckles trailing on the floor, you know, You've ruined my life. The world might
as well end right now , and on and on it goes. The things that trigger that kind of behaviour
could be something as simple as a disagreement, a difference of opinion, a different preference.
When there's gaslighting involved, it could be the victim is sticking to their own experience,
their own version of reality, and what the, the narcissist is trying to do is to undermine are by
showing how hurt and wounded they are that someone else would see it differently, which leads me onto
the next one. Give me what I want or I'll suffer and it'll be all your fault. Now again, this could
involve exaggerated illnesses or sometimes threats to harm themselves, but one way or another it s
about by dumping the responsibility for their well being, for their mindset, for their happiness,
whatever, onto others. The pain that I am in. Right night. Proves, it justifies how righteous
and normal I am , And when it comes to the victim, you know, the victim has any kind of self respect,
dignity, pays any attention to their own needs or indeed anybody else's,
if they show any kind of autonomy at all, with the narcissist it s, look at the pain
you re causing me by doing that. It triggers all manners of distress with them. And the
common excuse that's often accompanied by this are things like, It's not, it's not my fault it's my
anxiety . It's like the victim is responsible for easing their anxiety. Another common tactic is,
Is that really what you think of me? You're so hurtful . Now this is a way of guilting someone,
guilting someone for pointing out their toxic behaviour. It's also a form of gas lighting
having someone doubt their own experience over how they have been treated, leading, leading
them to believe that they are at fault for feeling hurt. Now a common thing for them to say would be
something along the lines of, How can you think that of me? You know, I'm not like that. You know
I'm not vindictive. You know I'm not whatever. You know I really love you. Now sometimes, sometimes
it can be hard to figure out if narcissists are delusional or if they're just in denial.
But following on from the guilt tripping, another one is, After all I've done for you Now that s
usually said with the heaviest of hearts. Either that or it said with spite. Now an example of this
could be, you know, the victim does anything at all that disappointments them, doesn't
meet their expectations or whatever it's, I put you on a pedestal and this is how you treat me.
What they're doing is they're holding someone else responsible for not meeting their expectations.
Another common tactic, and I've come across this one many times, is to intellectualise.
Now this could involve, say, convoluted word salad or circular reasoning. But common phrases
are things like, that shouldn't have had to happen Or, you know, after insulting or lying to you,
you shouldn't have had to hear that . Other common phrases would be things like, shall we explore
why I had to say that , or, why I had to do that? What you will hear is anything except
I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that, or I shouldn't have said that. Another common tactic
and yesit's another one I've been on the wrong end of many times is confusion. Okay now this
is not just a narcissist trying to confuse their victim with nonsensical circular reasoning, but
acting as if they haven't a clue what's going on. You know, remember the I'm innocent part. So what
this sounds like is often, I don't understand. What? What do you mean? What is it again? When
was this? Are these my feet? What was the question again? And this can drive the victim insane as
they try to explain themselves over and over again, even in the most plain, simple language.
What the narcissist is doing is, is they re just refusing to accept any responsibility. After
a while the victim can just get so frustrated they are at their wits end. They just kind of
get through and sometimes they end up losing your temper. They may raise their voice or whatever,
but the next thing you know the narcissistic plays the victim card, the narcissist is now
the one who's being abused because there being shouted at they re being swore at or whatever.
Now these tactics, these are devaluing, they are invalidating to the victim. It can leave
them feeling incredibly frustrated or humiliated and after a while the long term effects of that
could be the victim is afraid to mention anything at all that could be considered to be contentious.
The next tactic is triangulation. Now where I think this differs from the overt narcissist,
the overt narcissist can openly threaten to tell others about you. The covert narcissist will often
do this in a way to imply they have already had a conversation. Now it's like, You know,
you just came up innocently in a conversation and they mentioned your behaviour and the other
person was absolutely aghast at it. My mum was really hurt that you Dave was really offended
that you My dad was shocked that you on and on it goes. And other times it may be something like,
others are saying this about you. Others, others are saying this,
you know, they re telling me about you they, they have noticed these things about you as
well . Again, it's triangulating the victim. It's, its having the victim feeling as if they re being
hit from all sides. Maybe they start to believe that other people are believing the narcissist.
Other people are all saying the same things, so maybe the fault does lie with me. Another example
of that could be, for example being at a social gathering, a family get together or whatever,
and afterwards the narcissist says to their victim something like, they were all wondering what they
had done to hurt and offend you. They said you were really rude and they said you were abrupt and
like the victims left thinking, I said hello, how are you? Haven't seen you in a while . And they're
trying to second guess themselves. What is it they did? How did they behave? What, how exactly did
they hurt, offend these other people? Then there's the silent treatment. It's all picture, No sound.
Pretty much ignoring the victim. Maybe one word answers if that. Or being very abrupt. Now this
is usually when the target, the victim doesn't comply. Doesn't obey, doesn't do, you know,
do something in their own best interest, something that the narcissist just doesn't like.
And that silent treatment more often than not, that can be accompanied by showing everyone else
loads of exaggerated, friendly attention. In other words, I like everybody else more than you.
And it is a way of devaluing their victim. It is a way of showing the victim how little they matter,
how little they care. It's a way of having the victim trying to figure out what they have to do
in order to get some kind of attention back. And that silent treatment,
that kind of behaviour usually lasts until the victim apologises. Now when you think about it,
the victim is actually apologising usually for how they feel about how they re being treated.
Next up there is, lucky for you. I wish I was happy. Now I tend to liken this, they're like
emotional hoovers. This is the narcissist who just wants to suck all the joy out of their victims
to make them feel guilty for having any kind of happiness, any kind of pleasure, any kind of
success that they may dare to have. And as much as the victim may try to cheer them up,
lift their mood, solve or problems, this is the kind of narcissist for whom every solution
will have a problem. Every goal will have an obstacle. Every silver lining will have
a cloud. The plan here, I think, is to keep the victim working as hard as they can just to make
them feel better. And it is draining. The victim ends up feeling drained of all emotional, mental,
physical energy. But then you know what? Chances are that s the narcissist s goal. After all,
they love the attention they're getting. Lastly, it's almost like the nuclear option if you will,
If you don't give me what I want, if you say no, if you leave me I'll die and I'll be all
your fault . Now again, this could involve an illness or physical condition of some kind,
making the other person responsible for their well being to look after the whatever but
to the extent that the victim is denied any kind of life of their own whatsoever,
even to the point where sometimes the narcissist may openly threaten to harm themselves, so pretty
much they re telling the victim, It's up to you to keep me safe, to stop me from doing this Now
I tend to think that it's like a spoilt child, a spoiled child who threatens never to breathe
again unless they get that toy that they want. And I know this might sound cold, but the truth is,
anything anybody does is their choice. Narcissists are the same. No one makes them do anything.
But when they do threaten something like that, whenever they do threaten, I, I liken that to
someone beating themselves over the head with a frying pan and screaming, look at what you're
making me do. Now it really doesn't make any sense, does it? Nor are we responsible for other
people s behaviours. So there are just a few of the common tactics of the covert narcissist. How
they, how they use these tactics to control, to manipulate, to coerce and to shame their victims.
If there's anything I ve missed please feel free to share them. Use the comment box below and
I'm interested in some of the interesting conversations that are starting around these
videos. If you like this video, please click like and please consider subscribing to my channel for
future updates on mental health related topics. And until next time thanks for watching.