Some of our viewers have asked for some self calming techniques for their
preschoolers. I think we can help you with that. -You know, young children really
don't have emotional self-regulation. And so it's pretty common for them to be out
of control. And so, learning self soothing techniques is going to take some time.
Just expect that and it won't be so frustrating to you when they just start
throwing them a big fit or having a meltdown. Wouldn't expect them to. -Vicki,
we've been doing these positive parenting groups for some time now. And
as you have joined our groups and shared with us what's going on in your own
parenting world, I've seen this very frequently where parents of very young
children especially if they're first-time parents just aren't
aware of what some of the developmental expectations are. I would encourage you
to not freak out too much. When you've got a preschool child who is not very
good at emotional regulation, that's not surprising.
-Right. -Okay. So, don't freak out too much. Now, there's still some things that you
can do. And in fact, the research shows that children who develop secure
attachments with their primary caregivers naturally learn self soothing
techniques. And this is because a responsive caregiver... And we want you to
be one of those, okay? As a parent, you want to be responsive to that child's
needs. So, that when they are emotionally tipped-over,
not if, "when". They are emotionally tipped over, they receive attention from you
that helps to soothe them and that teaches them what they can start to do
to soothe themselves. Some of the research that I'm referring to has been
summarized by dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk. I got to go to a training for 2 days
with him a couple of years ago. And we've been reading together the book The Body
Keeps The Score, Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk And he has pointed out... And I think this
is really insightful that the secure attachment that these kids have has
everything to do with their positive emotional development as they get older. This
builds off of exactly what we just said that having a responsive caregiver not
only models for them but helps them to get in sync with the way that their body
responds to trauma or upsetness. And so, holding them in rocking them for
example. This is a rhythmic movement that's connected with also physical
proximity to another person. Sometimes we'll use a blanket or a binky which is
part of an infant's way to soothe itself is to suck. It's a natural... -Yeah, yeah. Right
from the very start, they've got that. And so, you want sometimes encouraging that
or giving them ways to use those natural soothing techniques like movement, rhythm,
sucking is a good way to start. -And music. You mentioned this earlier as we were
talking about this particular video. Music can have a very soothing effect.
And they're even showing that this is true sometimes in a prenatal environment.
-Yeah. -Like when the mom is pregnant and she's listening to certain kinds of
music. That can have an effect on the soothing or the calming of the fetus
even before the child is born. So, you can introduce things like music into the
environment. Now, be careful with this, okay? Because different kinds of music
will have different effects. Do we have to spell that out in detail?
Don't be putting on your heavy metal hard rock stuff for your preschooler. You
want to have something that that's that's more rhythmic and more soothing
to help them learn to do that emotional regulation. -I think it's really important
to realize that we get to teach. We're talking about self soothing which would
imply that they're doing it themselves. But sometimes we have to teach them how
to do that. One of the things that we can do is teaching a child how to manipulate
their environment. Maybe to go to a different place where they can be calm
or to take just kind of their own time out. This isn't a punishment timeout. But
removing themselves from the situation so they can have a quieter environment.
You know, we mentioned earlier pacifiers. Obviously, we don't want kids
staying on a pacifier too long. We want them to learn self-soothing. But I've
seen a lot of parents use it where, "Okay, if you really need that calming moment,
we're going to use that in a very specific controlled place. Maybe on your
bed where you're resting for a minute while you're calming down."
Teach them to manipulate their environment so that they can be calmed.
-This is true even for young infants. -Oh, yeah. -To have a little timeout to... -You
know, we do... Yeah. We start with kind of exchanges with babies in communication
exchanges right from the very start. And if you'll watch a baby, your cooing
you're doing the back and forth and lat smiling and cooing. And after a minute,
your baby turns away. This doesn't mean anything except that they'd be just a
little bit of break from stimulation. Give them a minute and they'll usually
come back to you. And that's the same thing for our children. They just need a
break from stimulation sometimes. And teaching them. I've... What would have our
granddaughter one time said, "I'm just really upset. I need to go calm down for
a minute. And she went off to the bedroom and calmed herself down for a while." I
think she was maybe 3 or 4?" -I think she was 3. -Yeah. -So, even young children can be
taught to do this. It has to be modeled, it has to be taught. They're not going to
come by it naturally. Now, some of the things they will come by naturally.
That's why I wanted to mention the research that's been done on early
attachments and right having a secure responsive caregiver. They will naturally
learn to do certain things and the other things like you said, Vicki. We get to
teach them and model for them. Breathing is another one. And incidentally,
breathing can either activate or calm your body. When you see an athlete for
example getting ready for an event. [Breathing heavy] You know, they're doing this this heavy...
-Pumping it up. -And they're activating themselves. And when you
breathe quickly, it tends to activate certain parts of your body. The
parasympathetic nervous system and the sympathetic nervous system are activated
separately. And what we found is that the exhale breathing out especially when
it's slow and controlled, tends to have a
calming effect on the body. And this is something you can teach to kids. You
might for example do some breathing practice with your kids where you hold
up a finger and say, "My finger is a candle. And we're going to blow it out
very slowly. Ready? Let's blow." And you're blowing slowly. You want to slow down
that exhale. And as you practice this with your kids, they're going to feel a
natural calming effect. And you can help them to see, "Look, when we do that kind of
breathing, it calms us down." And then in the heat of the moment, you don't want to
try to teach this in the heat of the moment. You want to practice it at other
times. But then you can come back to it when it's needed and use that as a tool
for calming. -We've talked about this in other videos as teaching our children
the words that they need to discuss. Emotions and feelings especially when
they're really big emotions and feelings for them. So, we want to teach that to
them and then encourage them to use their words even while they're upset.
You're not going to teach them about the emotions at that moment of upsetness. But
if you've taught before say, "I can see you're feeling frustrated. Tell me some
other words. Tell me with your words what you're feeling, what
you're thinking." -Right. When you've practiced this, that can then become a
trigger for switching the energy of that interaction. You can say, "I can see you're
upset. Use your words to tell me about that." And if you've practiced it, they'll
be able to have the words and the vocabulary to actually bring into that.
These are the things that can be taught. And some of it's going to come very
naturally. Remember... Let's go back to where we started, okay?
Developmentally speaking. And we're focusing on preschoolers. -Right. Young
children. -They don't have a lot of good emotional regulation. They get flooded
easily by feelings and emotions and they'll they'll seem to be out of
control or explosive. That's pretty normal.
So, we'll be patient with them as parents. Start to model appropriate
emotional expression. And then use some of these tools that we've shared with
you. I think you're gonna see some improvements. -How to calm an angry child
as the video coming up next. Watch that and many other videos that kind of go
along with this to help you figure out how you can help your toddler and a
preschooler be calm. -And I mentioned when we were in the video that we have these
Positive Parenting groups that have been phenomenal. We have had such great
results with the people who have joined us in those positive parenting groups. If
you want to get involved with one of those, get on a call with one of our
coaches. We can talk to you about the steps and the costs and anything that's
involved in getting you to that next step in your positive parenting. There's
a link down below. It's a free call with one of our coaches. DrPaulJenkins.com,
spelled with a D-R. Forward slash breakthrough call. You can link to it
right down there. We look forward to having you a call with us.