You all know that feeling, like you come out of a work meeting or hang out with friends and you
start thinking, like, "Why did I say that? I am - I should have responded this way. Like, I am such
an idiot." Or "What did he mean when he said . . ." Or you think, "Oh, I was the most awkward
person at the party" or "I overshared way too much information." Or maybe you worry, "Oh, did I hurt
someone's feelings? This type of overthinking can be a symptom of social anxiety disorder. It can
also just be a symptom of anxiety in general. But when you overanalyze your personal relationships
to the point that you're afraid of an emotional connection with another person, you're essentially
slipping into a mental rut called rumination. It's really common, and there's a lot you can
do about it. And in this video you're going to learn four ways to stop overthinking every social
situation. If you want support to work through social anxiety, you may benefit from working with
a licensed therapist. This video is sponsored by BetterHelp. With BetterHelp you can tap into the
world's largest network of licensed accredited and experienced therapists who can help you
with a range of issues, including depression, anxiety, relationships,
trauma, grief, and more. But the best part is you can do it from the comfort of your own home.
Check out the link in the description for 10% off your first month. Okay. So you just got back from
the party, and your brain is in full overdrive. You start thinking, "Oh, why did she say that?"
You try to read between the lines. "Is she mad at me? What did she mean by that?
Was she joking or serious?" Or even more likely, you worry about something you did. You say, "Oh,
why did I say that? I'm so awkward!" Right? This is called post-event rumination. It's a
nasty little cycle that makes your social anxiety worse. But you can fight it with the powers of
CBT. So let's look at the cycle first, and then we'll talk about a few easy ways to reverse it.
So first you go to a social event, and then you evaluate yourself,
and then you ruminate. That word means to chew the cud. You basically regurgitate your evaluation,
and then you re-evaluate yourself but darker, and then you come to the conclusion that you're the
most awkward person in the world, which increases your anxiety, which you take with you to the next
social event, and the vicious cycle continues. But these two steps in the middle, this is where
you can intervene, right? You can change how you evaluate yourself and stop rumination,
and then your anxiety won't keep going up and you'll reverse the cycle. So let's learn three
cognitive restructuring techniques that help. Cognitive restructuring is just a fancy word
for saying changing how you think. But it makes me feel smart to say it. Okay. So number one,
let's start by admitting to yourself that your self-evaluation is probably distorted.
So let me give you an example: I read this story on Instagram: a shy young lady is sitting on a
bus, and she brought her dog with her. A man gets on the bus. He sits near her, and he says to her,
"Are you allowed to have dogs on the bus?" She just shrugs and looks away. Right? But inside
she's freaking out a little. Is he judging her? Is he going to try and get her kicked off? Is he
going to start some trouble? And then out of the corner of her eye, she sees him pull his little
dog out of a very nondescript pet carrier. He wasn't judging her; he just wanted to be like her.
Okay. So if you're a sensitive person, your view of yourself is most likely distorted
to see yourself more negative than reality, and there's a very high chance that whatever thing
you said or did isn't as bad as you imagined. If you have anxiety, you're probably anxious,
not awkward or offensive. So the first distortion is the belief that what you said or did is
so much worse than it actually was. And I'll call this horriblizing. Okay. Now,
the second way your self-evaluation is distorted is by emotional reasoning. So if I feel anxious,
I must have been awkward. If I feel embarrassed, I must have been doing something wrong. To defeat
this, we need to get good at naming emotions and separating emotions from reality. So stop saying
like, "Oh, I was so awkward," and just admit to yourself, "I felt fear" or "I felt anxious."
You shift your language from labels, like labeling yourself - "I was so awkward" - to
experiences - "Here's what I felt." Now, if you actually don't know how to say hi to someone,
if you've never been taught how to introduce yourself, then you could benefit from learning
some social skills. But most people are socially anxious, not socially awkward. So be honest with
yourself. You have a tendency to judge yourself harshly. What you did is probably not as bad as
you think it was. If a friend had done it, you probably wouldn't have thought twice about it.
So there's another sign that your self-evaluations are distorted. If you have a different standard
for yourself than for others, it means that you're not seeing things clearly.
Okay. Number two: the second big cognitive distortion with social anxiety
is that everyone is looking at me. Everyone's noticing how sweaty or awkward or offensive I am.
Sorry, they probably aren't. They're probably not spending much time obsessing over every
little thing you say or do. The trap of social anxiety is that you get sucked into this hole
of self-examination that just makes you more anxious. This is egocentrism. It's not pride.
It's not cockiness. It's distorting reality to think that everyone else is looking at you, that
you're the center of their world. When it comes to changing how you think, you can't just stop
thinking this way. The more you try to suppress a thought, like being worried about yourself, the
more attention you give it. This is the classic pink elephant example. Right? So instead you need
to shift your attention to something else. And in this case, it's other people. Right? Here in
the present moment, shift away from being stuck in your thoughts, and redirect your attention to the
here and now. You can use mindfulness to notice these egocentric thoughts, and then shift your
attention to others. How are they feeling? How how was their day? What are they doing this weekend?
Or if it's after the party, you could think, "Oh, what's some nice thing I could do for Parker?
Or "Who could I invite next time?" or "What would I rather be doing with my time instead of judging
myself and overthinking everything?" Right? Find something that matters more. Basically,
when we shift our attention outward, we just won't have as much energy to dwell on ourselves.
Okay. Number three: even if your biggest fears came true - you did say something dumb or someone
else was judging you harshly - it wouldn't be the end of the world. The cognitive distortion,
the faulty thinking here is that it would be catastrophic if I messed up. It would be a
disaster if I got rejected. I mean, social anxiety is this deep evolutionary instinct that is based
on our ancestors' ancient need for survival. It's this idea that like, "Oh, if I get kicked out of
the tribe, I will starve to death and die." So the distortion is, you know, "If I get rejected, it
would be terrible. I couldn't handle it. I would never recover." So let's be honest for a minute.
Could you survive if you got rejected? Would the world actually end if you said something dumb?
It might hurt. It might feel uncomfortable. But you can handle having feelings. You can get
really good at feeling feelings. These distortions, and especially rumination,
are all attempts to protect yourself, to avoid feeling real and vulnerable. You ruminate and
obsess in a vain attempt to control what you can't control: other people's opinions. Or you
overthink to avoid feeling fear. This is a habit you've developed to protect yourself from having
feelings, and it's backfiring. And spending all this time trying to white-knuckle perfectionism in
a social situation is a complete waste of time and energy because you can't be perfect. There's just,
there's just too much ambiguity in social situations. So you have two options: you can
try to kind of white-knuckle yourself into perfect interactions. How anxious do you think you'll feel
if you do that? Right? How fun will that be? Or to practice real acceptance and vulnerability. And so
so that takes us to number four: you can handle not being perfect, and so can your true friends.
So with the thought, "What if I messed up?" Well, maybe you did. Maybe you did say something
stupid or hurtful. Did the world end? Can you make space for imperfection in order to have
real relationships with real people who really mess up pretty frequently? Would you rather have a
sterile relationship where you only show your good side at all times, you keep everyone happy,
everything is perfect, and never truly feeling accepted because you know the other person doesn't
know all of the sides of you, or would you rather have a real relationship based on real humans
who really mess up? They do good, they apologize, they make up, and they accept others as they are.
Social anxiety is fueled by underlying beliefs like "I must be perfect to be accepted. I must
never make anyone else uncomfortable. I must never make a mistake in front of another person. I must
never be weird." Right? So so what do you do? You got to shift what you value from perfectionism
to real connection. Let go of futile attempts to control a situation by doing everything right, and
choose vulnerability instead. There is no perfect social interaction. Choose to be willing to feel.
Be willing to be imperfect, honest, vulnerable, to show up and just say, like, "I will be social
anyway. I'll mess up, and that's okay because it's worth it to me to engage with people."
Being real is better than putting on a perfect show, at least for any lasting relationship. And
when you do actually mess up, you can make repairs because that's how real relationships work.
But stop seeking constant reassurance. This is just an attempt to avoid feelings. Choosing your
values is all about letting go of what you can't change, which is other people's opinions of you,
and putting your energy toward what you care about, which is real connection
with other humans. Okay. So just to summarize, here's four cognitive distortions that lead to
overthinking rumination and social anxiety: number one is faulty self-evaluation. If you're judging
yourself differently from others, then you're not seeing clearly. Name your emotions and let go of
self-judgment. Number two: everyone's looking at me. No, they aren't. Shift your attention outward.
Okay. Number three: If I messed up, it would be catastrophic. I wouldn't survive. No, you're
safe. You can handle having feelings. Even if you did mess up it would be okay. And number four:
I have to be perfect to be accepted. Replace that with "I value real human connection and all of the
feelings that come with it." Okay. I hope that's helpful. Thank you for watching, and take care.