Alright, so I guess it's that time of year again.
My birthday has come and went
and here I am, another year older.
But this time it's different.
Because this time I turn 30.
"30 years old? Jesus Christ!"
"Somebody get this geriatric some Metamucil!"
That's right, I'm 30. I'm old now!
I can officially go around, telling kids stories about the olden times.
"Uh, back in my day we only had 151 Pokeyman."
"And if we wanted to go on the internet, we had to use dial-up."
"What's dial-up, grandpa?"
(Dial-up noises flashback)
"I don't want to talk about it!"
Now, I have to admit that I'm a little pessimistic
when it comes to my birthday these days.
I don't get all excited like when I was a kid.
"My God, I'm 10 years old now!"
"I have this here holographic Charizard."
"I have the world by its ass!"
Or maybe I'm just being a big wussy crybaby.
Maybe I just need to be a little bit more optimistic.
"My God, I'm 30 years old now."
"I still have this holographic Charizard."
"It means I still have the world by its ass!"
After all it's not like I'm super old like some people.
"Eh, what are you complaining about? Wait until you get into your seventies!"
"Where every time you take a piss,
it feels like a goddamn colony of fire ants is tap-dancing through your urethra."
But you know what, it's my party and I'll cry if I want to.
And if I want to sit in the dark by myself
and contemplate my own mortality for my 30th birthday,
then by God I'm gonna do it!
But luckily instead, that wonderful wife of mine
decided to plan a surprise 2-day trip on my birthday!
And that trip was to Mackinaw city up in Michigan.
And if you're not familiar with Mackinaw city,
they have a bridge,
they have an island,
and they have about 9,000 different fudge shops for your fat ass to try!
Now, the hotel we were staying at was right on the beach.
Which meant there was roughly 4,000 seagulls hanging outside of our back door.
"Oh, like Home Alone 2 in this bitch!"
But there was this one fat seagull that stood out from the rest of them.
And his name was Derek.
I know his name was Derek, because I named him Derek,
Derek the Seagull.
And Derek's ass was the alpha male of all of the seagulls.
And any food that was coming his way was all his.
He's attacking everybody, that's his territory!
He's a fucking maniac, look at him go!
So I'm out on the beach, feeding Derek's fat ass some leftover pizza that I had,
and everything is going fine,
until all the other seagulls get pissed off, because they're not getting any.
So what do they decide to do?
Well, they decide to shit on my head, that's what they decide to do.
"Is that shit? Did the bird just shit on me?!"
(Plop-plop!)
"Oh, now there's bird shit on my hand, God damn it!"
All right, so maybe not a great start to the Mackinaw trip.
But it gets better!
The next day we decided to go Mackinac Island,
and since we've never been there before,
our dumbasses think that there's a bridge that you can just drive across.
We're googling driving directions and shit,
"Well, this can't be right,
it says here we have to drive a fucking submarine 4 miles through lake Huron."
"Oh wait a minute, there's a ferry."
"You're supposed to take a fucking boat across, we're stupid."
So we take this ferry out to Mackinac Island,
and everything's going fine,
that is, until we notice that there's a lady sitting by us,
that's breastfeeding a very, very large child.
"Oh my God, don't look now,
but I think there's a lady breastfeeding a fucking 9-year-old."
"There's a what?.. Oh my God, what the hell!"
Now, I don't have a problem with breastfeeding in public,
but this shit looked like a midget trying to get to a second base, for Christ's sake!"
"What the hell are you staring at? I'm on my lunch break!"
So needless to say, we get the hell off the ferry as fast as we can.
"Uh, you want to get a beer?"
"Uh, yeah, I think I need a beer after seeing that shit."
So we go to a local brewery on the island, and like all breweries,
they have a bunch of weird beers that you can try.
"Oh, this one tastes like a peanut butter sandwich!"
(Belches)
"Oh God, this one tastes like a fucking... Duracell battery, what the hell!"
We look over the table next to us, and guess who we see?
That's right, it's Milky and her son!
The kid still got a fucking milk mustache still on his lip and shit.
"Oh, okay then, time to leave!"
"I'm not sticking around to watch this kid have a desert, let's go!"
So now we decided to rent mountain bikes to ride around the island.
The only problem was that my bike was messed up,
and the gears would change all willy-nilly by themselves.
So now I'm riding around the island,
looking like a drunk guy, that doesn't know to work a 10-speed.
"Wow, that guy must be wasted!"
"Yeah, I wonder how many Duracell battery beers he had, Jesus Christ!"
So we go riding around Mackinac Island
with my bike that's possessed by the devil.
And I have to say that Mackinac Island is pretty as hell!
The water's all crystal clear,
this shit looks like a goddamn Bob Ross' painting.
You see, I'm used to the dirty-ass Maumee River,
where the water looks like chocolate milk and smells like dead people.
But out here it was like riding through a goddamn Lisa Frank folder.
"Holy hell, look at that unicorn on that path made out of rainbows!"
So after spending all day on Mackinac's made-up fairytale Island,
we take the last ferry back to the main land.
And this is where we go to our final stop of the trip,
a Dark Sky Park.
You see, prior to the trip, my wife got me a telescope, because...
Well, you know, I'm a big nerd and I like to look at planets and shit.
And a Dark Sky Park is the best place to use a telescope,
because... well, it's dark!
You can actually see shit up in the sky!
It's not like your backyard back in the city,
where if you look up, you just see two dots and a fucking McDonalds sign.
So I'm out there with this telescope,
I'm trying to pretend to know what the hell I'm doing
in front of the other people, that actually do know, what the hell they're doing.
Everything was fine until it came time to leave the park.
Because now I have to disassemble
a whole goddamn Newtonian telescope in the pitch black.
I mean, I brought a lantern with me to help me see,
but you can't use any white light, because well, it's a Dark Sky Park!
No lights are allowed!
So there I am, Hellen Kellering this thing back in the bag,
when all of a sudden, my lantern goes off.
Now I got light shooting in every direction,
might as well been a fucking flashbang going off.
And of course, this lantern wasn't an ordinary lantern.
I had to get a... 1000 Lumen 'Holy Shit' Lantern!
This thing looks like a fucking Bat-Signal in the sky, for Christ's sake!
"Hey you stupid idiot, we're trying to look at planets and shit!"
And that right there is how we concluded our little trip to Mackinaw city.
By pissing off a bunch of nerds in the dark.
So special thanks to my wonderful wife
for making my transition into my thirties as least depressing as possible.
And if you're looking for a good time, check out Mackinaw City.
Home of Derek the seagull,
the Duracell Battery Beer,
and last but not least, the Milk Mustache of Mackinac Island!
https://brewstew.com
Special Thanks To: Bobby Stern & Colton, Dominic Jacquot.
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