-I was running a bit behind today.
So, I thought if you guys wouldn't mind, I'd just like
to write out my weekly thank-you notes right now.
Is that cool with you guys?
[ Cheers and applause ]
James, can I get some thank-you- note-writing music, please?
[ Piano plays ]
-A little Valentine.
-Oh, my gosh.
[ Laughter ]
Thank you, "Sonic the Hedgehog,"
for finally coming out after fans called for a redesign.
Or as the cast of "Cats" put it, "Wait, that was an option?"
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Meow.
[ Piano plays ]
-Thank you, viral photo of Trump's tan line...
[ Laughter ]
...for looking like Trump got a spray tan
while wearing a bonnet.
[ Laughter and applause ]
"Quick, I'm in a hurry."
[ Piano plays ]
-Thank you, hand sanitizer, for being a gel that kills germs
inside a bottle that's covered in germs.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Squirting ]
[ Fart noise ]
[ Quack ]
[ Fart noise ]
[ Piano plays ]
Thank you, McDonald's Shamrock Shakes,
for looking like someone
accidentally tossed baby Yoda in a blender.
Aw, come on, hey.
-Hey. They didn't. It's a joke.
-He's not real. -He's not real.
-He's not real. -Yoda's not real.
-He's not real.
[ Piano plays ]
Thank you, fencing,
for combining the timeless arts
of sword fighting and beekeeping.
[ Applause ]
Maybe get into that this summer.
-Beekeeping or fencing?
-Good question.
-You know what you could do?
-Well, I would say probably beekeeping.
-Right. -Just because fencing,
I use the fence for my vest I wear on romantic occasions.
-What kind of vest do you wear on a romantic occasion?
-Like a chain-link fence. Stuff like that.
But I mean, beekeeping, I think that's the thing.
-Like a apiarist? -Yeah, no. It's not a --
I'm not doing it.
-This is real. -What's that?
-This is real? You're gonna --
-Yeah, I think it's a cool thing that people are doing.
-Yeah, bee it up. -So what do you do?
You get boxes of -- and put bees in them?
Yeah, and then you use them for just honey?
-Sure. -Do you want some honey?
-Love it. Love honey.
-Tariq?
-Yep. [ Laughter ]
-Boo-whoop!
-Tariq, you want any honey if I make some?
-No, I'm good.
-Come on, dude. It's really good stuff.
-If you make some?
What do you mean if you make some?
How you gonna make honey?
[ Laughter ]
-Little do he know.
[ Laughter ]
Come over here, honey.
-Yeah.
No, but if I have bees and I --
It's like it's a cool thing, right?
-No, if you have bees, it's not gonna end well.
Cool for me, but --
[ Laughter ]
-You think I'm gonna get stung?
-Yeah.
-No, man. -No, no, no.
-What you do is you raise them
and then you become friendly with the bees.
-Yeah, yeah.
-They'd look at you like a mo-- like you're their dad.
-Yeah, a bee would never sting the hand that feeds it.
[ Light laughter ] -That's true, yeah.
What I wanna do is I raise bees. -Sure.
-They have honey, and then they go off and live their life.
-Right, they grow their own kids and they bring them back.
-Yeah, and then, I come back to the spot where the bees were
like five years later. -Right.
-A swarm comes at me.
-Right, and they go -- -And they hug me.
[ Laughter ]
Put some music on it. Throw it on YouTube.
-Yeah, it's like "Born Free," man.
-Next thing you know, I got a sitcom out of it.
-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
[ Piano plays ]
-Thank you, going to a restaurant on Valentine's Day,
for a romantic night of eating two inches from another couple
eavesdropping on your conversation.
[ Laughter and applause ]
"Yes, we're talking about something."
[ Piano plays ]
Thank you, February 14th,
for being the day we've chosen to celebrate love,
right when our winter bods are hitting peak blob.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Fart noise ]
-Let me pour myself into these pants.
[ Piano plays ]
-Thank you, heart-shaped box of chocolates,
for being the perfect way to say,
"Girl, I was at CVS 90 seconds ago."
[ Laughter and applause ]
-This is the last one, though, right?
-What's that?
-This is the last one, then you're --
-This one right here should be the --
-Ultimate. -That was the penultimate.
-Yeah, that was the penultimate.
-The penultimate, and this is the...
-Ultimate. -...ultimate.
-Valentine's Day thank-you note, 2020.
-The martini, as they call it.
-Ooh. -Yeah.
-Nice.
-Right? -Real nice.
I've never heard that before.
-Yeah, they call it the martini shot on a program or a film
because you get the martinis ready.
After the shot, everyone has a martini.
-Oh. -What's that?
-It never happens.
-Yeah, sure. What are you talking about?
-After the martini shot, there's never any drinks.
-What are you talking about?
What if it was like a movie like the rat-pack movie?
-Yeah. -What's the rat-pack movie?
-"Ocean's Twenty." -Yeah, "Ocean's Eleven," man.
-Oh, yeah, ask them if they got drinks after the martini --
-They probably drank before the shot.
-Yeah, right? -And after.
-Nah, after, it's like, "That's a wrap.
Everybody's going home. I got bees to tend to."
[ Laughter and applause ]
-[ Exhales sharply ]
[ Clicks tongue ]
[ Piano plays, stops ]
[ Clicks tongue ]
[ Piano plays ]
-Thank you, candlelight dinners, for basically saying,
"Hey, wouldn't it be romantic if I could see you less?"
There you guys have it. Those are my thank-you notes.