Hey guys, welcome back. Thanks for joining me for another video
I'm super excited about this week's topic because I
get a lot of questions a lot of comments from you guys that are dealing with someone who you believe is a
narcissistic and you're really
struggling at times in order to
Learn how to handle this type of person or you're really confused at why is this person doing this and and really kind of questions?
Like that. So for this week, I want to dive into
understanding why a narcissist
Hurts people so why do they hurt you time and time again? Like the things that they say the things that they do?
Why do they behave in this way so let's get right into this because this is a great topic and it really ties in to
responding versus reacting which I think is a huge topic and
Definitely a great skill to learn
so one of the things with understanding someone who is narcissistic and the reason why they are
vindictive
Why they want to punish you why they say these hurtful things why they do these hurtful things why they cut you at your knees
Is because you have to understand your audience
So I always say don't try getting water from a rock
my aunt used to always say that to me time and time again when I was going through my journey and dealing with
certain people that I believe
We're definitely on the spectrum
and what it basically means is
You know
know your audience like
understand the person that you're dealing with and what they're capable of giving and this is true for anyone not just someone who's narcissistic but
someone who does
have traits of someone with MPD or someone who full-blown has MPD one of the things that we really have to
accept is
You're facing someone who you presume is an adult, right? You are in an adult body. So I'm gonna presume that you're healthy
You know how to handle yourself and you're not
Wounded in any way right? We don't see people's wounds
There's not a posted on all of our foreheads that says I have abandonment moon
I'm a narcissist because my mom did this to me and blah blah blah
So we don't see any of this all we see our behaviors
So understanding behaviors is really important to not take things personally
Not react to keep yourself intact to create the bubble
like I always say because what other people are going through even if it is someone that you really love and care about
You have to take care of yourself first
really the main thing with this is understanding that the person you're dealing with is someone who is
Emotionally immature. I mean that's very simple but you have to understand that every time you are interacting with this person
It doesn't matter if it's a spouse a partner an ex-husband and ex-wife a previous girlfriend
our co-worker
it doesn't matter you are dealing with a child you are dealing with an
Emotionally immature person you are dealing with someone who never learned how to self-soothe
You're dealing with someone who does not know who they are
They don't have a sense of self you are dealing with someone that does not know how to fill them up inside now
There can be people out there walking around
that are not someone who has has a narcissistic personality disorder not someone who's narcissistic and at times
They cannot do these things as well. We don't know how to self-soothe
We don't have our own sense of self and we definitely at times don't know how to fill ourselves up and that's why
people become codependent
That's why we project that's why we want you to make me happy in this relationship because I don't know how to do it for
Myself, so it's not just someone who's narcissistic that can have these types of wounds inside of them
There can also be a lot of other people that have them too
But really the narcissist tried-and-true will never know how to soothe themselves will never know how to take responsibility or accountability for the actions
They will not know how to fill themselves up. They do not know who they are. So they're constantly playing a character
So I think that that is really important to understand and accept
Before you go into an interaction with this person now because this person is so damaged
I mean really they're mentally ill they have a personality disorder so because there are so many
Emotional wounds going on inside of this person that they will never be able to acknowledge
Touch he'll talk about anything like that
Because of this and because they don't know how to fill themselves up inside
they constantly are what we've all heard of is narcissistic supply if I need narcissistic supply then I need someone to
Validate me. I need someone to give me praise. I need someone to give me attention. I need someone to love me
I need someone to constantly look at me the way I want you to look at me, which is perfect
You can't ever tell me I'm wrong. I can't ever have any flaws. I can't ever do anything wrong because my ego is
Really running the show at this point and the minute that ego gets bruised
You will immediately get defensive you will project you will not want to take responsibility and accountability
And we all have egos and we've all done this before
now think of the times where you've done this where you eat oak and of took over and
you didn't like someone had to say because they weren't saying what you wanted them to say and you got really defensive and you got
Angry and and you started saying something that later on you really regret it. This is no different except you have a
self-awareness to know
Okay, I got really offended by that my ego totally took over right there
And I said something I shouldn't have and I probably cut her at her knees and I feel really bad and you have shame you
Have guilt for what you did you're dealing with a person that
It does all of those things their ego takes over just like yours did except there's no shame
There's no guilt because in order to have shaming guilt. You have to be connected to yourself in some way
You have to be connected to that good part of yourself that says hey, that wasn't nice
Hey
That wasn't right and you have to be able to soothe yourself
While you are feeling guilt or while you are feeling shame. You have to be able to tell yourself. Look I made a mistake
I did something wrong. I'm not a terrible person. So I have to just own it and go over there and apologize
So you have the capability to do that. You're dealing with a child that
Doesn't know how to do that their ego will never allow them to do that
So because you're dealing with someone who is so severely wounded damaged and insecure they are
constantly needing to feel a high they
Constantly have to feel and get that validation that narcissistic supply that love that praise that whatever from any
Or anyone outside of themselves because like I said, they can't do it for themselves
Now when they're not getting it when they're not getting their way when they're not able to manipulate you when they're not able to control
You when you basically are seeing past all of the BS that they're giving you and you're seeing exactly what's going on
They don't like that
because like I said, that ego is a hundred percent taking over at that point and it's ready to
Become vindictive it wants to hurt you for hurting me. So don't tell me that I did something wrong
Don't hold me accountable
Don't show me a side of myself that I don't want to see acknowledge change anything
All I need you to do is tell me exactly what I want to hear which is I'm perfect
Which is I did everything right, which is I'm a good person
Everything whatever that is that that person needs to hear and you might need some
Narcissist that will claim to have some type of self-awareness I a hundred percent have been around that type of a person
Where they claim to be so self-aware where they can acknowledge some things
But really what they're doing is they're just it's just a hook
it's just a ploy because at the end of the day, there is no real sorrow or
Validation on your part for how you're feeling of what you're going through. It's all about what they're going through
so remember when you're just like when you're dealing with a child
I mean you're dealing with a toddler or a young child or even a
Teenager and you say something that they don't want to hear. They don't want to hear that they have to do their homework
They don't want to hear that it's time to eat dinner and they can't play or do whatever it is that they want to do
They don't want to hear any of that stuff. And what do they do? They begin lashing out? They might run to their room
They might slam the door. They might say hate you mom. I hate you dad. Like you're stupid or whatever the case is
This is literally no different
You're seeing the same behavior just in an adult form the problem becomes
How deeply you I don't want to say how deeply you hurt them
But how deeply you are not willing to put up with them
so I always say the people that struggle with this the most the people that are like
Why is this person hurting me so much?
Why are they saying these things and they're feeling so defeated by what it is that they're going through with this person
I always tell people as tough as it is and I have been there was someone who was very very
Vindictive and abusive and manipulative and it was a tough situation
but at the end of the day, I always knew in the back of my mind that I was a
person that this person was actually
Intimidated by they were intimidated by you
They are
intimidated by you
And that's why they want to hurt you because you are not weak enough to give them what they want
you see past all of the
Manipulation all of the control all of these tactics that they've done time and time again you've awoken now
You're not giving them what they want and so here comes the punishment. Basically. It's no different
It's just like a child
For as much as it can feel good that to know that someone is doing this because they're hurting inside
Because they're insecure because they weren't able to break me there is a level because you are human as well that is going to get
Exhausted defeated sad that you're in this situation and you have to go through this experience with this person and deal with this
Stuff time and time again. It is definitely emotionally draining because you are their emotional punching bag
You are the thing that they're gonna go to
When quite frankly they get bored sometimes
right when they get bored or when they're not getting their way from you or perhaps not getting their way with someone else and they
Just want to take it out on you
like you are that person right now perhaps in this narcissist life and
So the only way to get them to leave you alone. The only way to really change this is to change yourself
So how do we begin changing this situation? So this person doesn't hurt you anymore
the biggest thing is learning and
Accepting exactly what I just said when you really really accept this stuff and you know, okay
I'm about to have an interaction with this person and
they could very well be a lovely person today and then tomorrow they could be a maniac and be very
Manipulative or controlling or say something to cut me at my knees?
So you have to very much walk on eggshells when you are around this type of person
You have to understand the person that you're dealing with you have to understand the mentality
You have to never never never take anything that they're doing personally because it is not about you. It is about someone who is
Throwing a temper tantrum essentially and you have to learn how to hold on to yourself
so as much as your ego wants to start taking over and tell this person who they are and what they're doing and get
emotionally entangled in that mess as well and have that person affect your vibration and your energy it is your responsibility as a
growing
Mature person that's learning about how to can take take control of their life how to hold on to themselves, right?
learning how to respond not react and
learning when to disengage from someone learning how to
Verbally communicate with someone else in a calm way learning how to stand up for yourself
I always say at least for me. I always looked at it like the difficult people that have been in my life that really
Tested me
mentally emotionally
Maybe even spiritually right that really forced me to grow up that really forced me to take
responsibility for my own self and how I
Responded to situations to themselves, whatever
I thank those people those people the people that hurt me the most have always been the greatest teachers
The people that have been great friends while it's an amazing gift
And I'm so very blessed to have them and thankful for them
they haven't pushed me out of my comfort zone to really change who I was to become Who I am and
So for that I will forever be grateful
for the people that have hurt me the most so like I always say when
You have those negative thoughts and you're recognizing. Okay. Here comes a negative story
Here's my test on how I'm gonna stand up for myself how I'm gonna soothe myself
How am I gonna validate myself your test also is going to be with the people that try to hurt you the most
So don't get offended by what someone's doing
learn how to hold on to yourself learn how to react and not respond and it is a
Practice, but welcome
Like I always say welcome the pain welcomed these uncomfortable
Situations that you have to be in from time to time because they are pushing you too
Person that you were meant to be to grow and to really stretch yourself
So if you have liked this video, don't forget to give it a thumbs up
I am super excited to announce that I will be hosting an event in Boston on October 13th
If you are in the area and would like to meet me
We will be discussing a variety of things but most importantly we're gonna be talking about creating high standards
You know how to be that high value person how to set boundaries how to enforce boundaries
Pushing past all of your fears and most most importantly that inner dialogue that self talk and learning how to parent yourself
So I hope to see you guys there
If you are interested, you can go to my website and purchase your tickets, and I will see you next week