What?
How many Filipinos are here right now?
Let me just hear how many Filipinos...
Shit.
(cheering and applause)
That's a lot of Filipinos.
Somewhere in Glendale there's an empty hospital...
Just doctors walking around going, "where's Bernadette?"
(with accent) She's at the comedy show.
(laughter)
If you're not Filipino, that's how they talk.
My mom talks like that, right?
It doesn't matter how exciting the news is.
My mom's face always looks depressed.
Most exciting news in the world. Depression on the face.
"It's your sister's birthday."
(laughter)
"Your brother's getting married."
That sucks mom.
My mom never runs out of words.
She loves the, the, the W's.
The W words are my mom's...
hands down her favorite words, What, why?
Where?
Who?
And then when you can't answer any of them, she goes like this.
Exactly.
My mom got divorced.
It was kind of, like, yeah, you're divorced now.
Raise these kids. You know what I mean?
Like, my mom had nowhere to go.
She's an immigrant woman from, you know,
from the Philippines and now she's divorced in the States
and trying to figure out how to take care of these kids.
And it was just a fucked up situation that we were all in, man.
We were all, we were all broke, you know what I mean?
And, you know, I mean,
times were tough, you know what I mean?
My mom is part of my act.
I talk about her nonstop.
Like, it's all I know about is my mom.
So, yeah, when I, when I started doing stand up,
the first, uh, I'd have to say 13 years,
I was scared to talk about my mom.
Like I didn't want to.
I knew that there was funny stories to be told,
but I didn't know how to do it on stage.
So it took me a while, man. I was really scared to talk
about my mom, but once it started, it was over with.
(applause)
My mom was tough as shit.
I remember one time I was at a shoe store,
and I was fucking up the shoe wall.
You know the shoe display wall? Fucking it up.
Just putting shoes all over the place, right?
And the salesman saw me, he was like, hey, get the fuck outta here.
Fucking up the shoe wall. Get the fuck out!
He's cursing at me, right?
He didn't know my mom was in the back of the store.
He couldn't see her.
She's 4'10".
My mom popped around the corner. She was like,
"Hey, who are you talking to?
"You don't talk to my children like that!
Who are you? Huh?! I want to speak to the manager!"
(laughter)
And the guy started making fun of my mom's accent.
(with accent) Oh, you want to speak, speak to the manager?
Huh? You wanna talk, talk to the manager?
And my mom goes, "Oh, that's funny.
"You're making fun of my accent?
"I live in your country and I speak two languages.
"Tagalog and English. You live here.
How many do you speak? One? You're stupid."
(laughter)
(cheering and applause)
Oh, did you think you were gonna get that stereotypical
Asian woman, like, "Sorry, I'm so sorry, okay."
Fuck that.
She's a goddamn Ninja, man. And you don't need subtitles.
You understand everything she's saying.
She said "puck you."
That's what she said, dude.
(with accent) Don't you talk to me like that.
Huh?! Like I'm stupid!
Fuck you!
(laughing)
You, she's crazy.
(cheering and applause)
My mom's very sassy. My mom's just very sassy.
She loves turquoise.
She just loves American Indian pieces.
She loves anything turquoise.
She collects them. She loves anything,
anything American Indian at all.
She loves that, and she wears a ridiculous amount
of these obnoxious like plaque size things and...
And then she acts very surprised
if anyone compliments one of them.
She does a real modest play.
She goes, "Oh, thank you!
"Oh, I forgot that I had this on today, is that so?
"Isn't that funny? I totally forgot about that.
How sweet of you to notice, hm, what fun."
Meanwhile, it's like a Navajo graveyard covering her entire left breast.
(laughter)
♪♪
I think there's a lot of, like, wildly strange,
inappropriate, you know, moments with mothers
and daughters, and it's just, it's too close, you know?
So it's funny.
♪♪
My mom is a bleeding, bleeding heart liberal.
She loves to read a cab driver's name to them.
She likes to kind of bite into an ethnic name and overly honor it.
It's really alarming. I get very nervous
when she's about to read a name tag 'cause she's gonna
bite into it, and she's going to rock on.
Excuse me, Sarahanje.
What a marvelous name.
What region is that? I'm like, "he's not a wine. he's a man."
Leave him alone. The worst part of his day
is that you have access to his name right now.
She goes, "I just want to say Sarahanje, that I am so sorry
for some of these terrible things President Trump
has been saying about "Moslums."
I'm like, that's not even a good way to say it.
That's the Klansy way to say-- You can't say "Moslum."
That's the evil Klansy way.
And she'll be like, "We think "Moslums" are fantastic, Sarahanje.
And you and any of your wonderful Moslum brethren
are welcome in our country. He's just glaring at her.
Like, I'm Sikh, you white bitch, get out of my cab.
She's like cultural bridge belt. Who's next?
I'm like, that was an act of disaster.
She likes it when I impersonate her.
She gets upset if I don't do her.
And if I don't talk about her she'll go, where was I?
And that's her way of saying she's disappointed.
She'll go, I thought I was going to be in your talent show,
which is what she calls my stand-up.
(Fortune Feimster) Well, like, a little bit of background about my family.
My family's favorite restaurant growing up was Hooters.
Like we, we love to get chicken. You guys are, like, obviously
obviously that was your favorite restaurant.
And uh, we loved Hooters 'cause they had amazing chicken wings
and they were cheap, and we were fat and poor. So it was awesome.
When my mom was dating this, this guy, uh,
I remember one time, uh, we were trying to figure out
where to go eat one night and, uh...
I was like, "Oh, well, let's, let's just go to Hooters."
And he was standing right here beside her,
and my mom out of nowhere, she's like,
"I have never eaten at Hooters!"
(laughter)
I was, like, "What are you talking about?!
My babysitter was a Hooters waitress."
No!
I was, like, "You hired two Hooters waitresses
to Hula Hoop for my brother's 18th birthday party."
(laughter)
I have, no-- those were just two girls
that love to Hula Hoop.
"I have never
been to Hooters!"
(laughter)
(Ginger Feimster) I'm perfectly fine with the mom jokes
that, that she does on stage.
In fact, at, uh, I'll be at shows
and people at the shows will say,
"How can you stand this?" I mean...
They're not mean-spirited, though.
Are you okay with what she says?
The truth of it is,
she would rather me talk about her
and her be the center of attention
Oh, that's true.
The worst part would be
That's true.
Although, I never
say include me in something.
Anything I do in my life
can be on the stage, and I have no idea
what it's gonna be.
She, she, she enjoys attention.
Just say, I'm a good sport.
Thank you.
Well, that's true.