E3.
The Electronic Entertainment Expo.
What began as a humble video game industry trade show has blossomed into something more
spectacular.
More flamboyant.
More… of whatever this is.
E3 is a chance to show off new games and the theatrical chops of your executives.
Because that’s what E3 really is now.
It’s theater.
It’s like Cats the musical but with more guns and a better plot line.
But this E3 is different.
A lot of companies are ditching the press conference altogether, and those companies
are cowards.
Sony isn’t even showing up to E3 this year!
And it’s not because they lack things to say.
It’s because they have forgotten how to say it.
The industry has lost its way.
That’s why I’ll be giving them the 10 keys to creating a perfect E3 presentation,
and then I’ll be giving you the perfect E3 presentation.
It’s theatre, baby!
The first step is throwing away everything you know about public speaking, because E3
presentations are a beast of their own.
You have to watch them to learn from them.
You might ask, "Brian, wouldn’t learning from old E3s keep you in the rut of old thinking,
making the same mistakes that past business geniuses have made?"
No.
And that brings us to the board.
I have watched hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours of E3
presentations and I have analyzed what makes them compelling.
I’ve distilled the essence of E3 down into 10 simple keys.
If you include these 10 keys, you will create the perfect E3 presentation.
And if you, like most people, aren’t putting on an E3 press conference, then you could
potentially use these 10 keys for like a drinking game or something, I’m not saying you should
do that, I’m saying it’s y… it’s possible.
You could do that if you wanted t… it’s not…
I did that, okay?
You can use these for the drinking game.
The first key: A weirdly high-budget opener.
It is essential to start the presentation with high energy, and it’s essential to
do it in such a way as to make the audience say,
“Hmm yeah wow they really paid for that, huh?”
Sony used to be great at this, starting 2016’s E3 with an entire orchestra playing the God
of War theme, and then last year they started E3 with an entire banjo player.
Weird thing to spend money on.
But both of these intros still get BONUS POINTS, because they started with a live musical number.
The second key is for the presenter.
They have the unenviable task of connecting with a notoriously difficult audience.
How can they reach the fickle gamer while still maintaining business poise?
Business Gamer Fashion.
Business Gamer Fashion is an outfit that is professional, and yet still conveys the idea
that this person could be seen sitting on a couch for 14 hours at a time.
It says, “I’m one of you…
but I’m also way richer than you.”
But the BONUS POINTS go to the one true business gamer fashion:
ill-fitting blazer,
diesel jeans,
gamer t-shirt.
The third key is set dressing.
This has to be theatrical, which is to say, inappropriate for a trade show.
Take a look at Sony’s weird barn church.
It was like an immersive theatrical experience, but with the 10-minute scene transitions of
a high school production of Les Mis.
But the BONUS POINTS go to live, human set pieces, like, I don't know, hanging bodies
from the ceiling that FLAIL AROUND when a character moves through them on the screen.
There’s that classic Sony magic!
I want to remind people that E3 is a trade show.
And this is kind of like if Disney held a press conference about the Avengers and then
DISINTEGRATED A MAN LIVE ON STAGE.
Now we’re moving into the meat and potatoes of the presentation with key number four:
Numbers.
Video Games are just programs and programs are just numbers and for some reason, gamers
love it when numbers are big.
A few good numbers to say are polygon count, amount of enemies on screen, RAM?
Maybe?
I don't know, who gives a shit!?
Honestly, BONUS POINTS go to saying a number that's completely devoid of context.
Because numbers mean…
INNOVATION.
Key number 5.
More specifically... less specifically.
I need this to be the vaguest discussion ever.
I need you to make claims about how you’re doing something that’s never been done before
and then not tell us what you're doing.
Here’s a list of innovative words and phrases.
It’s the presenter’s job to say each and every one of these.
But the BONUS POINTS go to the purest form of expressing innovation.
Looking up at the screen behind you, looking back at the audience, and saying…
“Wow.”
Key number six is the game trailer montage.
You’ve probably never heard of these games before.
You might never hear of them again, but the BONUS POINTS go to the game trailer montage
that comes at the end of the presentation, which is just showing you everything you've
seen so far set to an Arcade Fire soundalike.
These six keys are the foundation of a solid E3 presentation.
You hit these six, you’re in the clear.
But you haven’t achieved perfection yet.
But before we get into the final four, let’s talk about the notable absences.
These are anti-keys, things you’ll never see in an E3 presentation.
I got a list of them here…
Oh what’s this, it’s just a single entry that says “A legitimate discussion about
how to address the crunch crisis that's prevalent in nearly every game studio.”
Well I guess we don't need these anymore!
*wild laughter*
*frightening laughter*
*pained laughter*
*pain*
And now, it's time for the final four keys.
These are the Truly Special Moments.
They’re hard to build in, but they turn a good presentation into a transcendent one.
Key number seven: A “WHYW” game.
This is an acronym that stands for “What? Hell yeah! What!?”
and it's used for a game that makes you go,
“What?
Hell Yeah!
WHAT!?”
Often these are for games that are totally independent, but the best ones are for weird
entries into beloved franchise, like the Final Fantasy XV VR Fishing Game.
Even now, when someone tells me there’s a Final Fantasy XV VR Fishing Game, I go What? HELL YEAH! WHAT!?
But the BONUS POINTS... you know what, actually, no.
You only get bonus points if you make a VR fishing game for a beloved franchise.
I want to watch the Doomslayer catch a bass.
But sometimes, the presenter has a WHYW moment.
That’s why key eight is heartfelt emotion.
Genuine excitement about a game, joy, sadness.
This has to happen naturally.
Honestly, if I’m having a rough day, I will go back and watch the video of Ubisoft developer
Davide Soliani crying after Shigeru Miyamoto compliments him onstage, because that is the
realest and most joyful moment.
Honestly, who wouldn’t burst out crying if Shigeru Miyamoto, the architect of many
of our childhoods, complimented them?
You know, that, that tiny thing... that reminder that these people behind the games are human
beings and can be emotionally moved by the same experience that they get to share with you.
What could be better than that?
If they farted.
That's why key number nine is gaffes!
Gaffes are INTEGRAL to E3, so much so that they're split into three different categories.
The first is technical.
Gameplay going awry.
Cameras cutting back too early.
Mics not getting shut off.
The second category is human.
Awkward pauses, stiff actors, weird phrasing.
These stick in your brain forever.
Honestly, it feels like they’re planned in order to be meme-able and rememberoareble.
Mem- and memorable.
Memorable.
God, I can’t speak today…
OR CAN I?
THE THIRD CATEGORY IS PLANNED GAFFES.
I’m about to blow this whole thing wide open.
Everyone can quote at least one E3 gaffe.
Even people who don’t know who Reggie Fils Aime is have probably said “my body is ready”
at least once in their life.
And you want to know what that is?
GUERRILLA MARKETING.
The only reason there are so many gaffes in E3 presentations is to MAKE YOU SHARE THE GAFFES.
YOU MIGHT NOT REMEMBER THE GOOD PRESENTATIONS, BUT YOU SURE AS HELL LAUGHED AT THE MESSY ONES.
THE GAFFES ARE AN INSIDE JOB TO MAKE YOU BUY MORE VIDEO GAMES.
So honestly, I’m just gonna assume that all of these are planned from here on out
in order to make you talk about them online.
Except for when Todd Howard says something that's weirdly horny.
Todd: "You'll never know when you'll need a free hand."
That’s just Todd.
BONUS POINTS for horny Todd.
And the final key: The Big Finish.
This is a game announcement that falls purely into the fanservice bucket.
It is unimaginably amazing, incomprehensibly great, unbelievably too good to be true and
honestly, it's because it probably is too good to be true.
The presenter is gonna say “And one more thing,” and then they're gonna show a trailer
that’s probably a landscape shot, maybe some voiceover, and then just a title screen.
BONUS POINTS if it literally is just a title screen.
And then that game is probably gonna get stuck in development hell for 7 years and maybe
not get released ever.
But isn’t that what we want, as gamers?
To be disappointed?
And those are the 10 keys to a perfect E3 presentation.
Follow these and you can do no wrong.
And if you aren’t doing an E3 presentation, again, you could potentially use them as a
drinking game.
It's not like I wrote up all the rules already and you can click and you can play 'em along
with us since we're gonna watch all the E3 presentations.
And to prove the power of these keys, here’s my perfect E3 presentation.
Sony, go ahead and just plug your trailers into the placeholders I set up for you.
What does a gamer want?
(what does a gamer want, tell me what does a gamer want)
What does a gamer need?
(what does a gamer need, tell me what does a gamer need)
The games we make are powerful,
never been done before.
So let your inner gamer out, we’ll open up the door!
I know you’ll love these games, because I love these games, too.
And it feels the best when there’s an excited gamer inside you.
Hunter, Hunter, let me get off of the skate...
Jesus.
Hunter, get it!
Good afternoon, and welcome to Unraveled Games’ E3 press conference.
As a gamer myself, you can tell by the shirt, I’m so excited to share these fresh gaming
innovations with you all today.
But before we get to the fun part, let's talk some business.
Let me put on my blazer.
Let’s talk about how we’re changing the game… of games.
The new Unraveled Engine has allowed us to create experiences that are more detailed
than ever before.
I'm talking about 1,200 enemies onscreen concurrently, over 49 meganpixels of screen dissolution,
62 giganbotes of RAM,
and SEVEN HUNDRED and TWENTY THOUSAND…
I know it sounds like science fiction, but it’s science fact.
Why don’t we highlight a few of the games that are coming out on the Unraveled Engine.
We can go to the next slide.
Jen?
Jen, we can go to the next.
Next Gen!
First up, Unraveled Research 2.
Fans loved the experience of creating spreadsheets about video game lore, but in this immersive
sequel, you can do that with a mustache.
Wow.
And that’s not all.
We have Explaining Your Job to your Relatives Simulator, the Dark Souls of simulation games.
Experience the terror firsthand of trying to explain to your uncle that you work in
a very niche, unstable industry, but with graphics so lifelike you’ll feel like you’re
living in the world of the game.
No, Uncle Bob, I don’t make the video games, I just make videos about them.
No, they aren’t the trailers.
Terrifying.
And finally, something groundbreaking, something that seems impossible, but we did it.
I hope you come along with us on this journey of...
BDG Goes Fishing for the First Time
in VR.
*What?
Hell yeah!
What!?*
*Audience cheering*
I've got the rest of the press conference to get through, you
can quiet down, please.
But is that all we’ve got for you?
Not in the slightest.
Now it's time to show you some stuff from the company that didn't do the presentation,
and let us do all the hard work for them.
Hit it.
*Arcade Fire soundalike plays*
Wow.
You know, I, um, I'm gonna go off script a little bit.
I, uh, it just, I've...
It means so much to me to be up here on this stage in front of you.
It's been a dream since I was a kid to be presenting something at E3, and to have you
here in the audience... to, to feel the support that you've given Unraveled Games, is...
Honestly, it's, um...
I never in a million years thought that I could have-
OH JESUS, HUNTER, DON'T TRY TO...
God damnit.
Okay that’s it, uh, thank you all for coming.
Except we've got one more thing thing for you.
We’ve been working on something very special with some very special people.
From the visionary minds of David Cage and Peter Molyneux, we have teamed up with publisher
Konami to release an exclusive on Soulja Boy’s gaming console… you know what, I won’t
bore you with the business details, I’ll just let you see the trailer.
Voice over: Yeah.
I think it’s time.
*intense music plays*
*applause*
Thank you all so much for coming!
Thank you.
Have a great E3!
Hunter, get it!
*CRASH* Ha, we're good.
That's the take though.
*everyone laughing* Almost, almost broke a laptop.
But that's fine.
We're good.
Clayton (offscreen): Set a couple fires, it's okay!
Brian: We, we, this is the most intense...
Pat: We're not allowed to do this show anymore.