(upbeat music)
(solemn music)
- You listen to me, and you listen very carefully.
- Yes.
- Yes code, act a boots.
- You do not own me.
I am not your property.
You do not look, you do not touch, you do not grope.
And you definitely do not pinch my ass
at the White House Correspondents' Dinner.
(audience cheering)
- He's cheating.
- You don't seem to mind any other time.
- There were cameras there.
Roland Martin was a mere two feet away,
and we all know how he loves to blast people on Twitter.
I'm still in therapy from the last time I was trending.
- But I'm in love with you. - [Audience Member] You better
tell him.
- [Audience Member] Get him, get him.
- You are the leader of the fame world.
You don't get to fall in love.
- And what about you?
- I'm love with my job,
which is to get little bitch babies like you
to act like grown ass men when the world needs them
to do their job.
(audience cheering)
- That's my girl,
'cause she gotta say something, right, I mean.
- I've got a job for you.
(intense music)
Blow me right here in the oval office.
I'm that eagle.
(audience cheering)
- Oh no.
- Yes, Mr. President.
(crowd yelling)
I pledge allegiance to your cock.
- Wow, wow, wow.
(door clicking)
- Daddy?
(audience groaning)
- It didn't use to be like this.
I was a lawyer.
I went to Pilates.
Enjoyed pumpkin spice season,
and got annoyed when La La Land didn't win best picture.
(suspenseful music)
I can't believe we argued about the fucking Oscars.
I want to scream at Ruler Lanford.
My name is July, this is July's womb.
- Babe, you want anything from Al?
- I'm good.
- [July] But instead, I say nothing.
- Can you believe this is happening?
I mean, this used to be America.
- Injustice in America.
Who could have guessed?
- Land of the free.
(dramatic music)
- There are homosexuals on TV giving make-overs
to Trump supporters.
Why are on the phone?
(salsa music)
- Hunty, it's after labor day,
what are you doing with all this white?
Mr. Boyingtin.
(car horn honking)
- But if you benefit from racism, you are a racist.
- The platform is to talk about serious stuff,
but my segment producers don't really want that.
- Ah, I see what you're doing.
Yeah, I see it, that's great.
It's a great tactic to, you know, pass the buck,
and it's definitely worked with people
throughout all of history.
- Can you believe this is the guy Sam wants to bring
to Winchester?
- Carson Rhodes?
I mean, he is woke as fuck.
- I follow you on Twitter,
and you speak of the ills of the world.
You could do the same thing on your show.
- But isn't this campus polarized enough?
I mean, BSU can do what it wants,
but somebody's gotta keep the peace.
- As a white person, what can I do?
Do I watch more BET, 'cause I am down.
I love that show.
(audience cheering)
- You were mugged at gunpoint.
You got got.
He made you run your shit, okay, okay, okay?
- I can change that.
- Nah.
- But it was more than a gun, wasn't it?
It represents something more devastating.
(dramatic music)
A white man's penis, penis.
Stop until I feel tears on my titties.
But she let the ladies walk all over you, why?
Because you know your mama didn't love you.
What we need now is a man.
That's what the ladies want,
and that's what the mama in your heart wants.
(upbeat music)
I've been an author, psychic, Yelp reviewer, bus driver,
former Yelp reviewer who got banned
for using too many obscenities in a review
for a children's theater,
and a reader of half of one Iyanla Vanzant's books.
I've done the work.
And for some reason, these people have given me a show
to help you do yours.
- Sam, you've been watching Cynthia Frank movies
in the lounge all day.
Everyone's thoroughly depressed.
- And if one more black person articulately makes
an argument against racism set to jazz music,
I'm going to move to a new house.
- You guys, I need the big screen.
It's a part of my process.
- Well, some of us of want to watch an episode
of "Mr. Griggin's House" before our Bible study.
- Sure you won't be in love
with a negro sitting at your table eating the wrong fork,
slurping the soup with those big old monkey lips.
I mean, I got news for you nigga, it ain't Night Train.
(audience laughing)
- You know we can hear you, Mr. Griggins.
- Huh, what'd you say?
- [Woman] We can hear you.
- Oh, you can hear me?
- Yes.
- Oh, okay.
Well, how about this?
Can you hear this?
(Mr. Griggins farting)
(audience laughing)
Oh yeah, oh yeah.
Praise God.
- Why does he talk like he's from the 1800s?
- Because he is.
He accidentally fell through some ice,
he got frozen and then he was discovered in present day.
- I kinda like it when he says, praise God.
- Just a little keeps was speaking.
You know, I knew.
- Oh, Mr. Griggins.
Don't you just love him?
- Honestly, Kordel, if there were a God,
she would have stopped this.
(audience cheering)
(upbeat music)
- [Sam] Enjoy.
- [Kordel] Thank you.
- Okay, now Mr. President,
I don't know what this is, okay?
I may not know nothing about no signs
or nothing like that, okay,
because I get all my learning from the Bible,
but that there red planet is gonna get itself a black man,
and once more, this black man is gonna give that planet
a good dusting.
(Mr. Griggins laughing)
Good lord.
(suspenseful music)
(intense music)
- Come on.
Mama needs you to rub her feet.
I've had to fight in so many elevators.
- [Omar] This fucking show.
- [Joelle] So extra, but so fun.
Oh, this is when where P. Ninny cameos.
- Mom, it's not what it looks like.
- Mm-hmm, just like me catching you
in my red bottoms ain't what it look like neither?
- Mom.
- You like cock, Kamal.
(dramatic music)
- Cupcake, Kamal, its me, P. Ninny.
Got some bad news, y'all.
- What is it, P?
- Well, you know your daddy, James Prince,
Prince O' Palaty Records?
He's dead, again.
(woman gasping)
(intense music)
Last year, his funeral was so beautiful.
Those holograms of Whitney and Prince, Michael
singing Destiny's Child's greatest hits.
(audience laughing)
He ain't coming back, y'all.
(intense music)
Yo, when I found out that my man, Trill Stein,
was hooking up with that hoe ass Sa-weavey,
oh, I was pissed as fuck.
Sophie, fuck you doing in my session?
But this track right here is so lit,
I might need to have that nigga's baby tonight.
As I've said many times before, I am not no lesbian.
(audience laughing)
- I'm gonna beat your ass.
- Beat my ass, bitch, don't make me grease your scalp.
(audience laughing)
- This show's my shit.
This feels wrong.
- I'm not one to judge, but I suspect P. Ninny may
in fact be a lesbian.
- I will drink your bath water.
I will eat some strawberries off the small of your back.
Don't make me go off. - You know, in Kenya,
these shows were our only frame
of reference for Black Americans.
When I got here, I was terrified.
- Terrified of black people or that you'd be seen as one.
- Both, this country is a mind fuck.
- Here's the deal, Emmy, Grammy, Tony,
falling from the mother fucking sky.
EGOT status.
What up, Whoopi?
See, I don't need to beat this bitch's ass,
but I'm about to.
- I'm conflicted as fuck.
- Co-starring role on Prince O' Palaties.
P. Ninny star was on the rise,
but when Bossip broke the news
that P. Ninny and Trill Stein's relationship was a sham,
audiences turned on her faster than NFL owners turn
on their players.
- I wish we could stay like this all day.
- Why can't we?
Top secret writer, nerd stuff?
- Something like that.
- Trill knew I was lesbian.
The public did too.
They were just in denial.
Look at my clothes.
- Well, yes.
- Look, P. Ninny is a character I created,
and there's nothing people hate more
than a boss ass bitch.
- They do hate it.
- Particularly, a boss ass bitch is a black butch
with a light face beat.
- That you do, girl.
- These dudes out here,
they just so threatened by black lesbians.
That's why they try to hide us.
Ultimately, we end up hiding ourselves.
- I can't believe she got dropped from "Trap House Tricks"
over this.
- But let's get into your hit single.
Give me that peen, peen.
Parentheses, I love a ding-a-ling.