-
So he walked to the window cool as shit.
'Cause he had on some dress shoes, so he slid over there
a little bit.
[laughter]
"Aw, them sucker's about to pay."
[dark electronic music]
- [indistinct shouting] - Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?
- Come on. Move. Come on. - What? What's going on?
- Come on. - This is not happening.
[rapid gunfire]
No, no. What...
I'm--I'm your host.
I'm your host, Roy Wood Jr.
- Come on.
- Ahh, ahh.
- Augh!
- [groans]
[glass shattering]
[panting]
♪ ♪
Mm...ahh!
[bones crunching]
[cheers and applause]
You may remember him from "Get Out."
Renewing our faith in TSA agents,
Lil Rey Howery.
[cheers and applause]
- First of all, I'm from Chicago, and, you know,
and Chicago's known for a lot of things,
you know, hot dogs and pizza.
The Cubs won the World Series.
And violence, a lot of fucking violence.
And my father is one of those dudes who's from an old era.
Like, he wasn't a Black Panther,
but he, like, in a gang that I guess didn't really exist for--
I don't know; I don't necessarily believe in the shit
that he was in a real gang,
but he was in one of those earlier gangs,
where they, like, made breakfast for the community
and walked people across the street, that type of shit.
[laughs]
So...but true story, right?
So we grew up--I lived in a bad neighborhood growing up,
you know, and most of the neighborhoods--
you decide you know a neighborhood is bad
when people will sit on anybody's car.
They don't give a fuck whose car it is.
You've got to humbly ask them, "Excuse me.
"I know y'all are just having a good time drinking on my car,
"but I need to go to work this evening, so..."
[laughter]
So I'm getting off the bus one day,
and I'm walking down the street,
and I see a bunch of dudes on the car,
and I'm like, "Oh, fuck. They're on my father's car."
And I go upstairs, and I'm going back and forth,
'cause he still thinks he can take these young people.
I don't fuckin' know why.
See, I--and let me tell you, I've got a '70s dad.
I don't know if anybody ever had a '70s father growing up.
Like, one of them cool motherfuckers.
Right, this is how my daddy used to walk.
Just like this. This is...
[laughter]
Every time he talk, it was like he had to pee.
"Hey, man, which one of you suckers
takin' out the garbage?" That's how he talked.
So... [laughs]
For some reason, he still think he's tough as shit,
so I get in the house, and I'm like, "All right,
"I'ma tell him they on his car,
but I hope he don't do no extra shit."
So I'm like, "Hey, Dad, look, now, before I tell you this,
tell me you gonna chill out."
"You don't tell me what to do." "Okay, never mind."
[laughter]
I'm like, "Look, it's a bunch of dudes sitting on your car,
right," so... He's like, "Say what?"
Right?
I'm laughing, 'cause I ain't told this story in a long time.
And it's a true story.
"Say what? Hold on. Let me see."
So he walked to the window cool as shit.
Because he had on some dress shoes,
so he slid over there a little bit.
[laughter]
Oh, those suckers about to pay! I'm like whoa, wait a minute.
So... [laughs]
So I'm like, look, man.
Dad, now, I got to tell you this.
These are gangster disciples, okay?
They had a documentary on them a few weeks ago
on the Biography channel.
I don't think you want to do this shit.
They will murder you.
He's like, look here, I ain't scared of no disciple!
Okay, I was a Dragon.
I'm like, what the fuck is a Dragon? What?
[laughter]
You know how old your gang got to be to--
about some shit that's not even real; you know what I mean?
"I was a motherfucking Dragon."
I said, "Look, I heard you that you was a Dragon and all."
He said, "Look here, man. We was a gang and a band."
"Wait, I don't give a fuck if y'all was both things.
This young dudes will murder you out there."
He said, "Let me tell you something, okay?
You don't believe me, do you?"
I said, "It ain't that I don't believe you a Dragon.
I just--it just...I mean, I
just don't believe in dragons."
That's what... [laughs]
He said, "Look here, I got something to prove it, okay?"
So my mom was in the kitchen cooking, right?
He's like, "Hey baby, could you get my Dragon jacket," right?
And my mama smoked cigarettes, so she was like,
[inhales] Which one, the blue jean or the leather?
Right, she in the kitchen cooking.
[laughter]
So she goes and gets his, she gets this dragon jacket,
and it's not even a jacket, right? It's a vest.
It's really a dragon vest, but he called it a jacket.
I don't know why.
The sleeves was cut off the jacket,
it was shingling at the shoulders.
He had a big, colorful dragon on the back,
but kinda faded because he washed it a couple times.
And he had his real name, he didn't even have a gang name.
It said Milton on the front. I'm like, you ain't got no...
You ain't got no damn gang name, Daddy?
"I didn't need one. I was Milton on the bongos."
Okay, whatever.
So he put on this Dragon jacket, right?
Now, he done took his whole shirt off.
Because I guess they didn't wear shirts
with the vests at that time.
So he took his shit off.
Now he has all chest hair showing.
And he had this little chain in the chest hair.
It was like a little cross. I couldn't tell if it was
a cross or--I don't know what it was,
but he had--the chest hair was all around a little charm
he had on his chain.
So he's got this Dragon jacket on.
And he started getting ready, right?
Which is weird because
I ain't never seen nobody get ready for a fight
He said, go get the Old Spice.
So he got some Old Spice, put it on before a fight.
I've never seen somebody put on cologne before a fight.
He just...
[laughs]
So he's got this little-ass fuckin' baby fat vest.
That's really what it was.
And he go down the stairs.
So these little dudes look at him come outside.
He comes outside cool as shit.
They looking at him like,
Hey, man, who the fuck is this old ass dude
with this 'Warriors' outfit on?"
[laughter]
He was like, "Look here suckers,
"I'm going to tell you who I am right now.
"My name is Milton.
"Milton Howery.
"And that Cadillac you're sitting on is mine.
"I pay the payments," right, and he going through
all this shit.
They're like, "Man, look here old man,
"we don't want to beat your ass and shit.
You all by yourself." He said, "Oh, I'm by myself?
Jimmy on his way."
Now, what I forgot to tell y'all, he called Jimmy.
Who's the only other living Dragon left, right?
[laughter]
And Jimmy don't know what's going on, right?
Jimmy didn't graduate from the gangs.
He's just a businessman that drive a van
with a Bluetooth on; that's it.
So Jimmy pulls up with this van, right?
You could tell it was an old ass van
because it had curtains on it.
And he pull up, and when he pull up,
you can hear Billy Ocean playing when he pull up.
When he pull up,
you hear "Caribbean Queen" when he pull up.
[laughter]
My daddy walked to the car like...
So I'm looking at all this out the window like...
So I'm like, oh, God, what's going on with my dad?
He like, "Jimmy, look here.
Okay, we about to have a rumble."
And Jimmy old, like, you ever see somebody so old
they got to take off their glasses just to hear you?
[laughter]
So my daddy's trying to talk to Jimmy,
"Look here, Jimmy, I'm trying to tell you what's going on.
He like "What?
Say it again, wait hold on, what?"
[laughter]
"Wait a minute, you ain't say nothing about no damn fight.
"I thought it was Spades Tuesday,
"I thought we was playing cards today.
You on your own, I'm done with the Dragons."
And he drove off.
[laughs]
I mean, there ain't no punch line,
so like, they beat the shit out my daddy, all right?
They beat him up and shit.
And I was like a little kid, you know?
I don't know if anybody ever
seen their daddy get their ass whupped,
but you ain't going to help it.
You just yell out, leave him alone!
That's my father, yo!
You just mad because you ain't got no daddy in your life.
[laughter]
Start crying. Leave him alone!
All you saw was my father's vest in the street,
and cars driving over the vest.
My mama, she walked up to me like,
[inhales] Look here. [clears throat]
Go get your daddy's vest
and bring it back upstairs, I'll go wash it.
And that's what happened, y'all, that's it.
Thank y'all. Love y'all. That's my time.
- Lil Rel Howery, y'all.
[cheers and applause]