(NSFW) People of Reddit, what was the stupidest thing your horniness made you do?
There was a lot of junk in my house when I was younger, I think I was 12 or 13 and wanted to know what having sex was like so I found this thing, I think it was a part of a light fitting or something, either way it was round and had a hole at each end, a cylinder with no ends, basically.
My teenage brain said that the tube was too small to put my erect penis in, so the sensible thing to do would be to stuff it in flaccid, then get hard when I’m already in.
This turned out, to the surprise of nobody, to be a beep horrible idea.
The more erect I became, the more it constricted my penis
and the more erect I became.
I tried just pulling it off but it was on there fast.
I went to the bathroom and ran cold water on my penis to try and make it go down.
I hoped, on that day, that I had not learned what sex was like.
When I was 15 I lost my virginity to a girl who was 14, I was so stupid and wanted it to happen again I ended up buying her a hamster and a cage with toys and food.
It was like almost 80 dollars and that was all my beep money I had lol
Go back to my ex
I could likely write a book on this because I've done some stupid beep for sex.
I had this 6' model looking Amazonian chick pop into my dorm room one night at like 3am and she immediately was all over me, so naturally I was like beep ya and dove in..
Problem was, I had no condoms and knew she was a freak.
Not wanting to play that game, I was like, "chill out here, get comfortable, I'll be right back".. as I leave, I caught a glimpse of her shirt coming off and was like beep ya, I need to make this happen.
Down the hall and to the elevator I got.. and hit the button.. nothing.. no dings, no sounds, nothing.. said beep that and raced down the stairs because beep waiting for the elevator at a time like this...
I sprinted out to my car only to find it completely incapacitated.. At this point I'm pissed but fully committed..
The 7/11 about 3 blocks away would surely have a stash behind the counter and they were open 24 hours, so I took off running, full on.. 3 blocks, beep I could sprint it.
I burst through the door of 7/11 so fast that the dude behind the counter jumped and I, breathing heavily, demanded he sell me
condoms.
He knew.
He could see it in my eyes.
Out the door I went, back 3 blocks to the dorm, up the stairs and calmly approached my door, trying to play it chill af as I walked in..
She was passed out drunk on my bed, completely naked.
I stood there over her for a minute, breathing all heavy and dripping sweat, holding a large box of condoms, shaking her trying to get her drunk ass to wake up.
Nothing..
I took a shower and slept on the couch.
She was gone before I woke up.
Got caught with pants down.
A Filipino scammer catfished me and recorded me masturbating.
He threatened to send the video to everyone on my friends list on Facebook.
I stalled him for a while till I could delete all of my socials.
Lesson: Privacy settings are a thing for a reason.
Tried to use mobile phone as vibrator.
Washed mobile after use.
Mobile died.
Put my penis in a running vacuum hose to see what a blow job would feel like.
Edit: my first guilding ... of course it’s on a comment about my attempt to turn my vacuum into a vacum.
I was home alone one day, just browsing reddit and watching youtube.
Then I don’t know what happened, but all of a sudden I was at half mast.
Now this was when I was 16 (I’m 18 now), and hormones ruled my brain and I had been curious about my sexuality for a while.
So in my infinite intellect I decided that instead of just jerking off like a regular human being, I would find the most phallic object I could that would fit in my ass.
I tried everything from shampoo bottles to toothbrushes to even mops.
Nothing quite felt right.
Then I found a brush.
One of those long shower brushes you use to reach your back in the shower.
I decided that this would be perfect.
So I grabbed some baby lotion, lubed my asshole and brush; then started the process of shoving said brush up my ass.
I kinda balanced it on the toilet seat in the bathroom and eased myself down about 5-6 inches.
It felt great.
So I started riding it while jacking off.
I keep doing this for about 7-8 minutes and I feel like I’m about to explode.
Then I slipped.
Have you ever wondered what it’s like to feel your intestines get
stretched by 13 inches of hardened plastic?
It’s not fun.
The pain and stimulus combined caused me to fall to the floor, where I then beep myself and came.
So while lying in a small puddle of cum, beep and sweat, with a brush sticking out of my asshole; I realized I was bisexual.
TL;DR: While trying to explore my sexuality, I tested the tensile strength of my stomach lining; and painted my floor a nice
shade of shameful brown.
EDIT: rip my inbox
EDIT 2: ty all for the awards!
appreciate it!
EDIT 3: my tale is now etched into the halls of reddit history, and shall be echoed throughout the ages
Jerking off with sponge.
That didn't go well.
I used to share a room with my younger brother.
We had bunk beds and I was on the top bunk.
One night I drenched my piece in vaseline and went to town cuz I thought he was sleeping.
I heard him say something so I grabbed the railing of my bed and leaned over.
My hands were covered in vaseline so I slipped off the railing and fell naked onto his bed with vaseline covered hands and a boner
Edit: the top bunk was horizontal and the bottom bunk was vertical.
Sort of like a T shape where his head would have been under my bunk
I was a shy and weird 11 year old who's got a huge crush on two of the prettiest girls in class.
Rode my bike to an abandoned bridge, wrote my crush's names on my penis and whispered "I love you, Ella...I love you, Joanne."
WTF...I didn’t expect this to blow up.
I’m so embarrassed lol.
Yeah ok, it was really weird, I cringe a lot when I think of it.
I don’t know how to explain.
I guess coz I was really shy and with a super religious family I thought it was something “brave” to do?
I dunno...and it was on an abandoned bridge so no one could hear me.
I used a blue pen.
I’m bi now.
I tried to jack off after cutting hot peppers :( I'd forgotten washing your hands doesnt get rid of capsaicin.
I may or may not have beep a really sexy looking tree successfully
Not me, but my brother.
Came home from school one day and find a hair brush sitting on the counter, the handle covered in vaseline.
I immediately knew what that meant, and didn't look any closer at it.
Skip to a week or two later.
I walk into the bathroom and this old antique plunger we have was in the way of the toilet.
I go to move it out of the way, but when I touch it I find it is also covered in vaseline.
I quickly washed my hand and left to find another bathroom.
I think most of us are the result of the stupidest thing our parents did because of horniness.
When I was a teenager I beep a jar of jelly
It wasn't fun.
it was just messy and sticky
Was having some substance-enhanced sex with my ex and we were both so into it I told her I was gonna cum in a shot glass and she was going to shoot it.
As soon as the load came, I vividly remember grabbing the shot from her hands and said "no baby, you're not doing that."
Edit: grabbed the shot from her hands and said "no baby, you're not doing that, I am."
J/K That shot of nastiness went down the toilet.
My college boyfriend flew in to visit me and my conservative parents made it their business to have at least one of them home at all times, and my mom was also a light sleeper so doing it in the house wasn't going to work either.
So in a desperate attempt, I led us to this creepy wood shed on the property behind my parents' house.
I quickly learned that bare butts and freshly chopped firewood don't mix.
I found splinters in parts of my body that there should never be splinters.
Even worse: a few days after this the groundskeeper was chatting with my parents and I heard him telling them that the shed was "crawling" with black widow spiders, a nest hatched and they were everywhere.
EDIT: Hey, thank you for the awards!
A couple things to add -- that groundskeeper oversaw the \~100 acres of woods/public land behind my parents' house.
So no, my parents don't have their own groundskeeper, but were familiar with him and would talk on occasion since the wood shed was up against their yard.
Boyfriend and I were under 21 and that was our state's requirement for booking a hotel (also, we were broke college kids).
And lastly, I did have a car I could have used -- a compact car where people could barely sit comfortably, much less get crazy.
;-) Sooo wood shed it was.
Desperate times...
Crashed a car speeding through the snow to get laid.
Buy multiple dildos.
I didn't really regret buying them afterwards but thinking how I only bought them because I was horny is still a little stupid.
Masturbated so frequently with such force I gave myself sores and blisters which I had to see a doctor about... didn't see the doctor (too embarrassed)... got infected... really had to see a doctor... (was less embarrassing than I had imagined).
Friend back in high school relayed to me that beep a microwaved banana peel with olive oil inside of it feels like a vagina", so naturally having then never tried a real human vagina I grabbed a banana for a snack after coming home one day and stashed the peel away.
When nobody was home I grabbed that peel, olive oiled it up, and microwaved for about a minute.
*WAY.
TOO.
beep LONG.
In my excitement I dropped trow and penetrated the scalding peel burning the beep out of my wiener.
It was terrible.
Absolutely 0/10 wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
Suffice to say that it felt nothing like a real vagina.
Was also drunk, me and my boyfriend almost dont remember what exactly happend but we tried anal, without lube and only spit.
3 days later my ass still kinda hurts :’)
Edit: Why the beep is this my best comment?
Tried to take a dildo that was way too big up my ass with minimal prepping or stretching.
Ended up literally tearing myself a new asshole, still dealing with an anal fissure which makes pooping really painful and which is probably gonna last for weeks at the very least.
EDIT: to the people who gave this comment the Wholesome award...
I appreciate you, truly.
But Jesus beep Christ dudes you're awarding an overzealous horndog.
Used shampoo as lube to jerk off.
Goddamn that burned.
Leave my Calculus II class, jerk off in the school bathroom, and return to class like nothing happened.
Oh no.
Not this again.
I don’t want to learn about any more cum boxes, or people beep coconuts.
Edit: for those brave enough
[Jolly rancher
Edit 2: you beep I told you I didn’t want to learn anymore stories.
[blowfly
Shoving like 5 candy canes up to my ass at the same time while thinking about Santa
What have I done
Got a pukey blowjob and ended up with a UTI for months.
I'm talking green pus coming out of my cock like artificial guacamole.
I had so many medications turn my piss different colors (orange, red, green, blue) but in the end it was me getting dehydrated one day and drinking a bunch of fireball whiskey.
My stoned ass was going to fight this thing with fire from the inside.
I'm going to say that at the end of the day it was the medication, but that one day of letting lose with the fireball was where it kinda turned around and disappeared.
Then when it was
all gone I started dating again and I met the person I'm going to marry.
So that was dope.
I can't tell you how many times I've almost been late to things because I wanted to jerk off real quick before I left
Edit: This is why I love Reddit.
My first award ever... and because of me jerking off.
Love you guys
I honestly can't pin point an exact thing, but the amount of shame I felt upon reading the question I'm pretty sure it should be forgotten.
I read the twilight series because a girl I liked was really into it.
The worst part is that I ended up loving them more than the girl.
Losing my virginity outdoors while having the flu.
Not only that, we ended up screwing in a bed of nettles.
I didn’t notice because it was so dark outside.
My ass and thighs were covered in nettle stings and they itched for weeks after.
When I was younger, I was super horny and opened the fridge to find a lubricant.
For some reason my eyes scanned to the Medium Salsa.
This ended with tears and running water over my urethra.... not pleasant!
I jizzed into a tea towel that didn't belong to me whilst I was sofa surfing.
To this day the close friends I have that know of this incident joke that I am not allowed near anyone's tea towels.
Drove an hour to a girls house, only to be met there by her husband pointing a gun to my face at the door.
I had no idea she was with anyone, let alone married.
I explained to the guy that there was no way I'd have risked it going there if I knew she was married, and he believed me.
I got in my car and raced it all the way back to the freeway.
Left one booty calls house after finishing to drive to another booty calls house ... who lived further away from me than I thought and I accidentally crossed a toll bridge in my moms car so a month later she sat me down asking what the hell I was doing across the toll bridge in her car at 2am.
That was a nice convo.
Stole my brother’s MAXIM magazine and got caught.
Got us both in trouble with that one.
beep a banana peel, made a milkshake with the nanner after.
Misread the titles as "stupidest thing your homies made you do?"
Wtf, your homies made you jerk off with a sponge?
I tried to beep the holes in a shower drain in Belgium.
Even with my relatively undeveloped semi-hard teenage dick I couldn't make it fit.
My aunt was waiting to use the shower and I wasted so much time trying to jam it in there.
Thirteen year old me jacked off with toothpaste.
0/10 dentists recommend.
beep a cup with two sponges in it.
My dick started bleeding.
Tried sticking my joint into a shampoo bottle flaccid and let it get hard inside of it
Pleasured myself at the beach, i was in the water.
The salt stings
Slept with my best friend while drunk.
Regret it to this day
Joined reddit
I beep a stuffed toy as a kid, dick was sore for 2 weeks
Became a drug dealer to get in with some girls.
I masturbated during a state standardized test in school because I was so horny I couldn't focus.
I failed of course.
Raw dog a hooker
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