- Hey everybody, happy Thursday.
Now today's question is an interesting one
about the relationship that we have with our therapist
but before we jump into that, are you new to my channel?
Welcome, I'm a licensed therapist talking about
all things mental health and I release videos
on Mondays and on Thursdays so make sure you're subscribed
and have those notifications turned on
so that you don't miss out.
Now let's get into today's question
and it is, Katy, why am I jealous
of my therapist having other clients?
Now this can happen for many specific reasons.
Remember everyone is gonna be different
but there's really one root reason to explain
why someone could feel this way
and that is attachment in childhood.
Now that could be due to a trauma
or having an emotionally unavailable parent or parents
and this could be triggered by therapy
because it could be the very first place
that you have felt safe talking
and sharing your real feelings.
And most of all, being heard and understood
and validated by the other person.
And that's why transference is so common in therapy.
If you don't remember,
transference is when we transfer
a past feeling or experience that we've had
on to someone in our present which is usually our therapist.
And I have a whole video about transference,
I'll link it in the description
so you can learn more about it but just think about it.
If you were never listened to
or cared for or even validated, when we find a person
who does even just one of those things,
we never want them to go away.
And it may feel like we found something extra special
and that can only be ours,
it's like our secret little thing.
And we won't want to share that person
for fear that they will leave us.
Remember, our past trauma or neglect.
And that is what leads us to feeling jealous.
Now while I truly believe that transference
is the root most often that causes this,
I also think that confidence plays a role.
And hear me out, because if we don't think
that we're good enough or even worthy of care and support,
we may worry that our therapist
is going to feel the same, right?
If we truly believe that about who we are
that we're not worthy, no one loves us,
no one really cares, then why would we think
this relationship would be any different?
Or we can worry that another patient
may take away from their time with us.
This can even be exasperated
if our therapist has to cancel an appointment
or move a time slot, we can begin to believe
that it's because it's something we did or didn't do.
I had patients do this in the past
where when I've had to cancel,
like let's say I got sick, I have to cancel,
I'm like oh my God, or I ate something bad once
and I had to cancel all my patients that day
'cause I was super, super sick.
A couple of my patients were really offended
like their feelings were actually hurt.
Like they thought that I really didn't care
and we spent the whole next session
when I was finally back in the office and feeling better
just assuaging those fears and letting them know
that that wasn't the case, that I was actually ill
and I would never try to leave them or hurt them
and just making them feel more comfortable
and confident in our therapeutic relationship.
Now whatever the reason, it's really important
that we talk about this feeling
and what we're experiencing with our therapist.
Let him or her know what you are feeling
and what's coming up for you.
You can even let them know why you think it's happening
and help them guide you and support you through it.
Because in all honesty,
the jealously isn't the real problem.
It's just a symptom of the real
and probably more hidden and shame-filled issue.
And so taking the time to really dive in and lean into it,
I know it's super uncomfortable,
I know a lot of you don't wanna talk about this
with your therapist for fear that they maybe will leave
or that they'll say yes, you are unlovable.
Trust me, I promise,
that's not what a therapist is gonna do.
A therapist is gonna consider why it's happening,
they're gonna ask you if you know the triggers.
So maybe just take some time to think back
when that was hardest for you,
when you started considering this,
was it when they changed your time slot?
Was it when you saw your mom
or were reminded of something like that
and then you went to therapy to talk about it?
Was it this certain trauma you're working through?
Think about what brings it up for you
because that's a clue, remember we have to be detectives,
so that's a clue into kind of the bigger or deeper issue
that we may be struggling with
and maybe what this transference or feeling jealous
that our therapist is seeing other patients,
that might be where it's coming from.
And overall, just know that this is completely normal,
this happens so often, I can honestly say
that I think roughly like 70% of my patients
at any given time are jealous
that I have other patients that I see.
Even though we know that that happens,
it can still be hard for us
to knowledge and process through.
So just be patient, give yourself the time
to figure out what's causing it for you
and know that by doing that and putting in the time,
it can and will get better.
I hope that answer was helpful.
Like I said, it's so common,
so thank you for asking that question.
And if you didn't know, I wrote a book, Are U Ok?
And it is a guide to caring for your mental health
and I talk all about therapy, the therapeutic relationship,
how to find a good versus bad therapist,
I talk about all of that, and if you like my channel,
you're gonna love my book so you can click the link
in the description and check it out now.
Thank you so much for watching
and I will see you next time, bye.