WELCOME ONE AND ALL HERE, OUT THERE TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
-- WE ARE 18 MONTHS INTO THIS CORONAVIRUS PARTY, AND I THINK I
SPEAK FOR A LOT OF US WHEN I SAY, "BARKEEP, HOW ABOUT ANOTHER
ROUND OF SHOTS?" AND WE'RE GETTING THEM, BECAUSE
YESTERDAY THE F.D.A. AUTHORIZED PFIZER BOOSTER SHOTS FOR
AMERICANS 65 AND OLDER.
THAT'S GREAT NEWS.
AND TO MAKE SURE ONLY SENIORS GET THE SHOT, THE VACCINATION
SITE IS A DENNY'S BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 3:00 AND 4:15.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE PASSWORD IS "I MISS PAY
PHONES."
( LAUGHTER ) ALONG WITH SENIORS, THE AGENCY
OKAYED BOOSTERS FOR THOSE IN WORKPLACES WITH HIGH EXPOSURE
RISK, AND "THOSE WITH HIGH-RISK CONDITIONS."
YOU KNOW, LIKE DIABETES, OR LIVING IN FLORIDA.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S NOT JUST FLORIDA.
MORE ON THAT LATER -- OR EARLIER, ONE OF THE TWO.
IT'S NOT JUST SENIORS LINING UP FOR SHOTS.
THIS WEEK PFIZER ANNOUNCED THAT ITS COVID-19 VACCINE WORKS IN
KIDS AGES 5-11.
FINALLY, OUR CHILDREN WILL BE SAFE FROM COVID.
SO THEY CAN GO BACK TO SPREADING EVERY OTHER DISEASE KNOWN TO
MAN.
THEY'RE ADORABLE CESSPOOLS.
( LAUGHTER ) EXPERTS ESTIMATE THAT MILLIONS
OF ELEMENTARY SCHOOL STUDENTS COULD BEGIN TO RECEIVE SHOTS
AROUND HALLOWEEN.
KIDS CAN'T GET THE SAME DOSE AS ADULTS, SO THIS HALLOWEEN, GET
READY FOR P-FUN SIZE P-FIZER.
BUT PARENTS, DON'T FORGET TO CHECK THE NEEDLES TO MAKE SURE
THERE'S NOT A RAZOR IN THERE.
NOT ENOUGH AMERICANS ARE GETTING VACCINATED BECAUSE OF ALL THE
BAD ADVICE OUT THERE.
I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT THE LATEST IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF
"DISINFORMATION STATION."
>> I LIKE BIG BALLS AND I ALSO LIE!
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: TONIGHT'S WHOPPER
COMES FROM DISGRACED FORMER NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER AND
MAN WEARING HALLOWEEN MASK OF MICHAEL FLYNN, MICHAEL FLYNN.
ON TUESDAY, FLYNN APPEARED ON A RIGHT-WING PODCAST AND SPREAD
THIS BIT OF INSANITY: >> SOMEBODY SENT ME A THING THIS
MORNING WHERE THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT PUTTING THE VACCINE INTO
SALAD DRESSING, OR SALADS.
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?
>> Stephen: YES!
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?
>> STEPHEN: NOPE.
CAN'T SAY THAT I HAVE.
BUT THEN AGAIN, I DON'T SUBSCRIBE TO "SOMEBODY SENT ME A
THING MAGAZINE."
SOMEBODY SENT ME A THING!
THAT'S HOW HE LEADS OFF.
THIS MAN USED TO BE NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER.
IN HIS ADVISORY CAPACITY, I WONDER IF HE EVER WALKED INTO
THE OVAL OFFICE AND SAID "MR.
PRESIDENT, SOMEBODY SENT ME A THING."
AND, LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
FLYNN CLAIMS THAT THE GOVERNMENT'S PLAN IS TO SNEAK
THE VACCINES INTO AMERICAN FOOD, AND THEIR CHOSEN VESSEL IS
SALAD?
( LAUGHTER ) REALLY?
YOU MIGHT WANT TO PUT IT IN SOMETHING WE ACTUALLY EAT, LIKE
PIZZA HUT'S VAX-LOVER'S PIZZA.
THEY BAKE THE NEEDLE RIGHT INTO THE CRUST.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OH, MAN...
I COULD GO FOR A SLICE, ALWAYS.
WHERE DID FLYNN GET THE IDEA?
WELL, IT WAS LIKELY SPAWNED BY A NEW STUDY ABOUT HOW MRNA
VACCINES COULD ONE DAY BE GROWN IN EDIBLE PLANTS SUCH AS
LETTUCE, MEANING THEY COULD BE STORED AT ROOM TEMPERATURE.
YES, THE PERFECT LONG-TERM STORAGE DEVICE: LETTUCE.
NEXT, IT'S GOING TO BE AVOCADOS AND UNREFRIGERATED SHRIMP.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT FACT-CHECKERS HAVE ALREADY
EVALUATED FLYNN'S CLAIM AND DECLARED, THE COVID-19 VACCINE
IS NOT BEING PUT INTO SALAD DRESSING, NOR HAS ANYONE
PROPOSED SUCH A THING.
SO IT'S BEEN DEBUNKED.
BUT I'M STILL SUSPICIOUS.
IF SALAD DRESSINGS ARE SO INNOCENT, HOW COME THEY'RE MADE
IN A HIDDEN VALLEY?
( LAUGHTER ) THAT RANCH SHOULD BE ON TOP OF A
HILL, WHERE WE CAN ALL SEE IT.
IF TRUE, WHO'S BEHIND THIS?
IS IT THE RUSSIANS?
IS IT THE FRENCH?
IS IT THE ITALIANS?
OR IS IT THE CREAMY ITALIANS?
THE ZESTY ITALIANS?
YOU COULD SEARCH A THOUSAND ISLANDS AND NEVER FIND THE
ANSWER.
I PRAY TO GREEN GODDESS THAT IS DOESN'T REWRITE MY D.N.A. AND
MAKE ME A NEW MAN.
I HOPE I DON'T VINAGRETTE GETTING IT.
BLUE CHEESE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
I'M ANGRY!
ANGRY!
AM I?
I'M SUSPICIOUS.
>> Jon: YEAH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: NOW -- VACCINES AREN'T THE ONLY WAY TO
STAY SAFE.
THERE ARE ALSO MASKS.
AND IN AN EFFORT TO PROTECT NEW YORKERS ON THE SUBWAY, THE
M.T.A. IS GOING TO START ISSUING $50 FINES TO RIDERS NOT WEARING
MASKS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH, DAMN STRAIGHT, ABOUT DAMN
TIME.
YOU HEAR THAT DID SUBWAY BREAK DANCERS WHO ARE SELLING
SANDWICHES WHILE MASTURBATING?
PUT ON A MASK OR THERE WILL BE CONSEQUENCES!
SPEAKING OF MASTURBATING, THE U.N. GENERAL ASSEMBLY IS THIS
WEEK.
IT'S AN OPPORTUNITY FOR WORLD LEADERS TO MEET AND EXCHANGE
INNOVATIVE COVID STRAINS.
GOING INTO IT, THE U.S. AND FRANCE WERE HAVING A BIT OF A
KERFUFFLE.
OR, AS THEY CALL IT IN FRENCH, "UN PETIT KERFOO-FLAY."
IT STARTED LAST WEEK WHEN FRENCH LEADERS GOT MAD ABOUT A DEAL
BETWEEN THE U.S. AND U.K.
TO BUILD NUCLEAR SUBMARINES FOR AUSTRALIA.
NOTHING IS MORE INSULTING TO THE FRENCH THAN BEING LEFT OUT OF A
THREE-WAY.
( LAUGHTER ) FRANCE GOT THEIR PANTALOONS IN A
CHIGNON BECAUSE THEY HAD THEIR OWN DEAL TO BUILD SUBMARINES FOR
AUSTRALIA, BUT THE AUSSIES BACKED OUT, SAYING FRENCH
SUBMARINES WERE INFERIOR TO THE TECHNOLOGY OFFERED BY THE U.S.
AND U.K.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> Stephen: OH, YEAH.
IT'S TRUE.
THE U.S. HAS AMAZING SUBMARINE TECHNOLOGY, AND THE FRENCH ONES
LOOK LIKE THIS: >> BEEP-- HUNGH, HUNGH, HUNGH.
BEEP-- HUNGH, HUNGH, HUNGH.
>> Stephen: THEY'RE VERY VERY LOUD.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THEY GO STALE, YOU
HAVE TO MAKE THEM INTO CREW TONS THE NEXT DAY.
( LAUGHTER ) THE FEUD WAS SO UGLY THAT FOR
THE FIRST TIME IN HISTORY, THE FRENCH AMBASSADOR TO THE U.S.
WAS RECALLED TO PARIS.
IN RETALIATION, THE U.S. STATE DEPARTMENT RECALLED EMILY FROM
PARIS.
ONE GUY WHO LIKED THE SUBMARINE DEAL WAS BRITISH PRIME MINISTER
AND MAN WHOSE MOTHER WAS A HAYSTACK, BORIS JOHNSON.
JOHNSON SPOKE TO THE U.N.
YESTERDAY, AND ADDRESSED THE ISSUE OF CLIMATE CHANGE WITH THE
SERIOUSNESS IT DESERVES.
>> WHEN KERMIT THE FROG-- KERMIT THE FROG SANG "IT'S NOT
EASY BEIN' GREEN"-- YOU REMEMBER THAT ONE?
I WANT YOU TO KNOW, HE WAS WRONG.
HE WAS WRONG.
IT IS EASY.
IT'S NOT ONLY EASY, IT'S LUCRATIVE.
AND IT'S RIGHT TO BE GREEN.
AND HE WAS ALSO UNNECESSARILY RUDE TO MISS PIGGY.
I THOUGHT, KERMIT THE FROG."
>> STEPHEN: (AS BORIS) "WE HAVE BEEN AS CRUEL TO THE
CLIMATE AS STATLER AND WALDORF WERE TO FOZZY BEAR.
REMEMBER THAT EPISODE?
ANIMAL IS BEATING THE DRUMS OF ALARM, AND WE MUST HEED THE
GARBLED RAMBLINGS OF THE SWEDISH CHEF-- HE'S VERY UPSET.
ABOUT SEA-LEVEL RISE!
IF WE DON'T ACT, THINGS WILL GO GONZO.
BUT SOME DAY, WE'LL FIND IT, THE RAINBOW CONNECTION.
IN CONCLUSION, MAHNA-MAHNA.
DOO-DOO, DOO-DOO-DOO.
MAHNA-MAHNA.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, WHAT OTHER SHOWS DO MY SIX
NEWLY-REVEALED CHILDREN LOVE?" JOHNSON WENT ON TO EXPLAIN THAT
ON THE GEOLOGICAL SCALE, HUMANS AS A SPECIES ARE IN THEIR
ADOLESCENCE.
>> WE ARE NOW SWEET 16.
WE HAVE COME TO THAT FATEFUL AGE WHEN WE KNOW ROUGHLY HOW TO
DRIVE AND WE KNOW HOW TO UNLOCK THE DRINKS CABINET, AND TO
ENGAGE IN ALL SORTS OF ACTIVITY THAT IS NOT ONLY POTENTIALLY
EMBARRASSING BUT ALSO TERMINAL.
>> STEPHEN: UNLOCKING THE DRINKS CABINET?
WAY TO MAKE IT RELATABLE, MR. OXFORD.
(POSH ACCENT) "IT'S JUST LIKE YOUR
FIRST ILLICIT KISS WITH THE GOVERNESS AS SHE BRINGS YOU YOUR
CREAM TEA.
YOU FEEL SOMETHING STIR IN YOUR JODHPURS, AND YOU SIMPLY MUST
TELL NIGEL AT THE DUKE'S CHRISTMAS LUNCHEON!
YOU KNOW, CLIMATE CHANGE!" WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MY GUEST IS ANDERSON COOPER.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪