Hey beardlovers.
It's the same old tired story.
I've been doing it for years.
I lull you into a sense of calm and safety by talking really softly and distracting you
and...
EXPLOSION!
But this one's different, right?
Because that one was upside down!
How did I do that?
Well, if you shut up for a second, I'll show you.
Okay, first of all I gotta apply the human face filter.
I don't want the world to find out I'm a snake monster.
That'd be sssso bad.
Sssso bad.
- EXPLOSION!
When I say "explosion" on a Wednesday, that just happens even though Explosion Wednesday
isn't a thing yet.
I'm not sure.
We're still testing it out.
And then you turn it upside down like that.
And boom.
You have...
- EXPLOSION!
... an upside down explosion.
That's nice.
And then I apply my subliminal messaging and then we're good.
EXPLOSION!
That one was upside down too.
Wanna see how I did that?
Okay.
Pretty much the same process really.
You just turn it upside down.
- EXPLOSION!
That one was upside down too.
Wanna see how I did that?
Okay.
And there you go.
EXPLOSION!
That one was flipped.
You wanna know how I did that?
Well, too bad.
None of your busssinesssss.
I mean business.
Not a snake monster.
Well, we're already a minute into this video.
That intro was long and weird.
I'm surprised you're still here.
Unless you're not still here.
Since we're so far in, we probably shouldn't waste any more time.
Especially talking about how much time we've wasted.
So...
In explosion news...
Sharp LAUNCHES world's biggest LCD HDTV 90 inches.
That's like ten 10-inch TVs.
It's not, though.
It... it's nine.
But it's like ten.
Think of what you could watch on that.
Are you watching me on the big screen right now?
Look at that.
You could watch Friends.
But bigger.
You could watch Storage Wars.
But bigger.
You could watch a plastic surgery reality show about people making their
butt bigger.
Which reminds me.
Woman has over one thousand butt injections.
- The Super Glue isn't injected in you.
It's, um, used to seal the holes that are made from the poking of the needles.
Maybe bigger isn't always better.
And since we're talking about inches and sizes, obligatory joke regarding magnitude of male
genitals.
Ha.
Thanks.
I'm really clever.
In other explosion news, a girl named Rachel Leigh Beardlover ... awesome name, by the
way ... sent me this.
No, that's not Justin Bieber.
This is a book about all kinds of explosions.
I'm looking forward to methodically sifting through every single...
Well, that was to be expected.
Thanks anyway, Rachel.
Speaking of things people sent me, a guy named Henry from Finland sent me this.
It's candy.
And it's called Apteekin Salamikeyhanganol.... which is Finlandian for [nomming sounds].
He told me to eat a bunch of it all at once, and that's how I eat everything, so no big
deal.
Mm.
Umm...
It's like a combination of black licorice and bacon.
It's like salty black licorice.
Ooh.
It's good.
Thank you Henry.
EXPLOSION!
Cleanses the palate.
Apparently it's Finlandian for "Keep away from mouth.
Send to ignorant American."
Speaking of things that we're not speaking of, my band Driftless Pony Club's new album
Magnicifent is going to be released for preorder on the 25th at the DFTBA website, linked in
the doobly-doo.
And then fully released on the 29th.
If you preorder, you get extra goodies and probably not that candy so don't worry.
We're also leaving for tour out to the West Coast on Saturday.
Our Friday show in Dubuque was cancelled.
I apologize.
But we're gonna try to have a gathering there at 11 am on Saturday.
Here's all the dates of all the places we're going.
Those places where it says TBA that means Totally Boom Awesome.
I mean To Be Announced.
We would like to have gatherings at those places.
In a park.
Like we've done before.
And we would request that you bring acoustic guitars so we could play acoustic guitars
for you.
But we need to know where we could have gatherings in those towns.
You could let me know in the comments.
Or you could tweet @driftlesspony on Twitter.
Or the Driftless Pony Club page on Facebook.
But make sure they're public places where they allow large groups of people to make
noise.
So no churches.
Not your mom's house.
Not your Uncle Steve's house.
Maybe Aunt Barbara Jane's house if she's still trying to reconnect with her youth.
Not underwater unless you're going to bring scuba gear for everyone.
Not inside your dreams because I've seen Inception.
I know the consequences.
Plus this is for everyone.
Not in the past because paradoxes.
Not in the future because the robot takeover makes music all beeps and boops.
It's probably best to make it a public park.
With low chance of being pooped on by birds.
Or hobos.
Not in the past because paradoxes.
- I thought you said something inappropriate.
- What'd you think I said?
- Not in the *pants*.
- Ha ha!
Oh, this is making it into the bloopers.
- Is it?
- Yep.
- Oh god.