Transcriber: Mandy Vincent Reviewer: David DeRuwe
The origin of the word “widow” comes from the old English word “with you,”
from an Indo-European root meaning “be empty,”
or in Sanskrit, “vid” - “be destitute.”
So basically, we’re doomed, doomed to live helplessly ever after.
This exactly is the problem in our society.
We live in a world where it is socially acceptable to keep people stuck in grief,
especially widows.
I believe that it is time we change the stigma of grief and offer hope,
make it socially acceptable to allow joy
and happiness back into our lives when we are ready.
I invite you to step inside the world of a widow with me for one moment.
My world.
Let’s have a look into the core of a grief support group.
What I experience is comparison battles at their finest,
and often it is more than just comparison.
It almost turns into competition:
Who is younger, whose death was more tragic,
who had more or younger children, whose children weren’t even born yet,
or who never even had a chance to have children ?
Now, I’m not saying that any of these stories
aren’t heartbreaking or touching,
but who is actually seen in this whirlwind of comparison,
who receives healing?
Those battlefields of grief seem to be the only ones
where the pain is not only socially accepted
but possibly worsened rather than healed.
We would never act like that around physical, injured people,
so why do we do it to those who are struck by grief ?
I believe it is easier for society to see us that way.
Truth is, we don’t know how to act around widows.
We talk about their late husbands, then we could upset them.
If we don’t mention them, we are insensitive.
What the world sees when they look at a widow is a broken woman,
barely able to breathe or survive on her own.
Helpless.
What I see is enormous strength, depth,
ancient wisdom coming forth to guide her.
A blank canvas.
My husband was in the prime of his life, at the age of 45,
when I received that phone call that he had deceased on a business trip.
Our boys were ten and eight.
I know he wanted nothing but happiness for us.
That’s what love is. Love wants us to be happy.
But society is stuck with this old cliché of a widow.
It makes it easy,
it’s familiar, and convenient - looking at a widow as broken.
Because for most of us, that’s the only way how we know how to deal with grief.
Why is it so much easier to support grief rather than happiness?
Because most of us carry the belief
that the amount of love we have for our loved one
has to equate to the amount of grief we portray.
We need space to unfold our own journey at our own pace,
and healing tools,
a fresh perspective so we can find our hidden gifts in adversity.
Grief can feel beyond overwhelming - like you’re all alone in this world,
like the world keeps spinning at a different pace to your own,
which can easily throw you.
So I did the unexpected; I focused on happiness.
And that's how I healed.
So here’s a little game I like to play - an entree for healing, if you like:
I call it “the color orange”.
For an entire day, I ask you to focus on just one color.
I pick orange because it’s my favorite.
Have a look around you right now. What can you find in the color orange ?
How many items ? Make a list.
When I play this in my office, I can easily find 20 items in five seconds,
so, it shouldn’t be too challenging to find 100 items in one day.
What happens is twofold: your brain gets distracted from the pain,
and even better, you train your brain to focus on the things you choose to see.
The next day, I want you to replace the color
with the emotion you miss the most.
Let’s pick an easy one; for most people, that is love.
Look around. Where can you see love ?
Love comes in so many shapes and variations:
That can be a mom hugging her baby,
a couple walking hand in hand, a smile from a stranger,
a toddler patting a puppy, a sunset.
For some, it’s gelato.
Now, this is not about replacing anyone.
It is a simple exercise to show you how much love you are actually surrounded by.
I like to refer to love as the eternal power source
that you can plug into at any given moment.
Another tool I use is separating who you have lost from what you have lost.
We all know it is impossible to replace a person,
yet it is possible for you to create what you need.
Fill that blank canvas.
I will share a personal example :
when Rob passed, one of the things I instantly missed was feeling safe.
Rob was my knight in shining armor. With him, I always felt safe.
So that was one of the first things I needed to create
for myself and our boys.
I checked at the front and back door that it was locked before it got dark
and that despite living in a very safe neighborhood.
Our house is in the middle of six other houses on the same driveway.
We’re surrounded and looked after from every angle, literally.
I also pushed my bed into a corner as it felt more cozy and safe.
The question you need to ask yourself is How can I create what I need?
Stepping into creation makes you the healer.
I would like to encourage you to make healing the new norm,
the social expectation after loss rather than suffering.
I suggest we hold space for the person left behind,
shower her with love, and listen to her needs.
Let us focus on happiness wherever we can.
Let’s remind ourselves of the choices we do have.
Let’s choose empathy over judgment,
and let’s redefine our image of a widow.
Thank you.