Hellllooo, I'm the Nostalgia Critic,
I remember it so you don't have to!
Remember the movie, Jaws?
That scary film that made everyone afraid to go back into the water?
It took the world by storm.
The Spielberg classic was about a giant killer shark
Who roamed the seas killing people.
Swimmers were dropping like flies
but luckily, Roy Schneider came in,
said, "Smile, you son of a bitch",
and blew the monster to kingdom come.
Allowing our heroes to live happily ever after.
Some random guy: "I'm not dead!"
Oh, until he made an unexplained comeback in Jaws 2.
Funny, I didn't know sharks could put themselves back together so neatly.
But no matter!
Schneider is back to save the day!
He fights the creature off,
and once again blows him to smithereens!
allowing, once again, for our heroes to live happily ever after!
Random guy: "I feel fine!"
GOD!
That is until Jaws 3D, where once again the shark can't take a hint that we don't want to see him anymore!
Ok, you know the drill.
Shark, screaming, blow em' up, Sea World regrets granting filming privileges,
And once again, our heroes live happily ever after.
Random guy: "I feel at peace!"
Oh, Christ... ANOTHER ONE?!
This shark has more lives than a soap opera lead!
That's right folks,
Jaws 4 is the unnecessary sequel to the unnecessary sequel of the unnecessary sequel.
It has all the crap and over the top shark attacks, you'd expect to see at this point.
and all you had sacrifice was your ability to give a shit.
It's the very last in a very long line of disappointment.
So let's head back into the water for the worst of the worst,
This is Jaws 4.
Random People + Nostalgia Critic: "Seen It."
Good God, how many times are we going to see that 'Shark Point of View?'
Haven't we established that this already is the world's slowest moving shark?
And on top of that,
the movie is called, "Jaws: The Revenge".
Really? It's taken him four movies to finally get a plan together?
It'd better be a damn good scheme.
Oh, hey can I take a guess?
I'm gonna say it's um, sneaking up on people and eating them.
*Sarcastically* Am I close? Tell me I'm close!
Sean: "We're going with Tiffany to buy a Christmas tree."
Ellen Brody: "Okay, but a small one this year."
We open with the wife of Martin Brody, Ellen Brody.
Little girl on the phone: "I can use the phone by myself!"
Ellen Brody: "I know you can use the phone by yourself, you're a big girl!"
Little girl on phone: "I'm five years old now, grandma!"
Ellen Brody: "I know you're five years old."
Sean: "Hiya Kiddo! How ya doin' down there in the sunshine?"
Little girl on the phone: "I'm fine, Uncle Sean."
Yeah, yeah yeah, where's the shark?
Random lady: "How come you get to leave early?"
Ellen: "Because my desk is closer to the door."
Okay, I guess the shark's got a while, so let's introduce the appetizers.
This is Sean, Ellen's son.
This is Michael, her other son.
Where's Roy Schneider you might ask?
Well...
He's right there!
Yeah, I guess they figure if they hold on this picture for a good 5 minutes, somehow that'll count as him making an appearance.
Sean: "That bad, huh?"
Actually they say that he died in between films.
And I have to admit I always find it weird when they kill off characters in between movies, when we clearly know the actor is alive.
Like with Sean Connery in the last Indiana Jones movie.
Indiana Jones: "Brutal couple years, huh Charlie?"
"First Dad, and Marcus..."
Oh, really? He died in between films?
Yeah, well I sure hope you kept that receipt for that CUP OF EVERLASTING LIFE.
Kinda false advertising, don't you think?
Lady: "There's an old dock pile drifting in the channel, stuck on a channel marker."
So Sean is called out to get rid of an old dock pile.
and of course to do this, he has to go on a boat.
Okay, how long until he gets it?
*Random People shouting their choice* *Nostalgia Critic Saying the choices*
Alright, all bets are off, let's take a look!
"It's a trap!"
*Screaming*
And the official answer is.....Two minutes! Well done everybody, well done!
Guy: "He's not quite dead!"
Shut up.
By the way, don't you love how there's blood already in the water even before he attacks?
Maybe he's so intimidating that people start bleeding before they even see him.
Sean: "Oh god!"
*More screaming*
Of course the shark bites him again and takes him under.
Leaving Sean's mother to deal with the bad news.
Some other guy: "Okay, will sombody tell Max Von Sydow to take off that wig, this is a serious moment.
So her other son, Michael, comes in to try and comfort her, but the pain is too overbearing.
Black Haired Lady: "She's been out there for hours."
"How's she doing?"
Oh, dancing on rainbows, singing show tunes. How do you think she's doing?!
"Thea! You're so grown up!"
Thea: "Uncle Sean is dead you know? Will he ever come back?
I don't know? If you can blow up a shark three times, I'm sure Uncle Sean has a shot.
But Ellen is convinced this is not your just your everyday shark eating, incredibly large boat incident.
There must be a connection.
Ellen: "It came for him..."
Micheal: "What?"
Ellen: "It waited all this time and it came for him."
Waited all this time? Where?!
Was he filling up on SNL cast members for practice?
Ellen: "I want you to get out of the water..."
Michael: "What?"
Michael: "Come on and sit down. We'll get there, it's alright."
Ellen: "I don't want anyone in my family anywhere near the water! Never again, never!"
Oh now, where is this coming from?
Micheal: "Can't belive that voodoo, sharks don't commit murder, they don't pick out a person!
Ellen: "It picked out Sean, it killed your father!"
Micheal: "Dad died from a heart attack."
Ellen: "He died from fear! The fear of it killed him!
Ahhhhhhhhh, so it's the 'Fear' of the shark that killed him!
Hmmmm, that's interesting, considering that how he kicked this thing, swam around it, and blew it up TWICE in two movies!
Yeah, I'm sorry, but that's really insulting to his character!
I mean look at this guy! He had more balls than any of us put together! He is fighting a shark!
And your actually going to say that he died of fear?!
Well... That's one hell of a delayed response, isn't it?!
I mean, what? Was he just sitting around one day saying...?
"Holy smokes, that was dangerous!"
*Heart attack*
So they go to Sean's funeral and...in a sort of bizarre scene, she starts laughing.
I guess she's thinking of all the good times they had but...Look at everybody! They're looking at her like she's totally nuts!
Priest: "A time to mourn and a time to dance..."
"Oh, I'm sorry! I just saw "Dick In a Box" for the first time!"
*Chuckling*
*Whispers* "Cut a hole in the box..."
So Michael offers his mother to live with him down in the Bahamas.
Hoping that being surrounded by even more water will somehow cheer her up.
Michael: "Okay....Airplane right? *Airplane Noises*
*Ellen Crying*
No no no, lady you got the reactions backwards. You're supposed to cry at the funeral and laugh when you're with the little girl. God, Didn't they you anything at Acting 101?!
So they fly down to the Bahamas with the help of their pilot friend played by Michael Caine.
Who you may remember acting alongside much more believable animatronics in the Muppet Christmas Carol.
He actually starts to befriend her and have a little bit of a romance going on.
*Sarcastically* Meanwhile, though, Michael has the incredibly exciting job of watching underwater snails!
*In a quiet voice* Woooooooo.
Jake: "You go away, you leave me high and dry, doing the work by myself, to come back acting like a zombie, it's Christmas Eve! We're working all the time because of you!
Micheal: "Hey!"
Jake: "I'm sorry about your brother, man."
What the...?! What is with the emotional transitions in this movie?!
They're all so sporadic!
Is the eastern seaboard just filled with bi-polars?
Oh, well, they try to look past their emotional awkwardness and still try to have a Merry Christmas.
Micheal: "Sharp shirt, Jake."
Jake: "Heeeeeyy, may your sex life be as busy as your shirt!"
Michael's Wife: "Thank you."
Nostalgia critic impersonating Sophia: "Mommy, what's sex?"
Sophia: "It has a tea pot and cups and saucers!"
Jake's Wife: "And a sugar bowl and a creamer!"
Nostalgia Critic Impersonating Sophia: "Yeah, it'll improve my sex life!" *hit sound* "OW! What?!"
But sure enough, even in the Bahamas, Ellen's sharky sense is tingling!
Micheal: "Kay'..."
Yes, you're seeing this right people.
The shark actually followed them all the way from the United States to the Bahamas!
Holy shit! How is that possible?
How can he find these people?
Is he like some sort of technologically advanced super shark?
*Airplane noise*
Shark:"Ha! You won't get away that easily!"
*Rocket sound*
"Batman theme song*
He attacks the ship and... oddly enough the crew looks less terrified and more annoyed.
Man: "Jesus Christ!"
Impersonating man: "Oh! That is so annoying!"
*Whispers* "We should report him..."
So rather than saying, "Holy shit, sharks can travel miles and miles solely fueled by grudge!"
Michael decides he wants to study the creature.
Jake: "Now we're going to do some real research, Boy!
Michael: "Do me a favor will ya? Don't say anything about this to my mom."
Critic impersonating Michael: "She would totally ground me! I mean last time I went out with a shark, I came back after my curfew, I was in so much trouble!
So, of course, like a dumbass, he continues to go out into the ocean, trying to tempt the shark.
Boy, Jaws's revenge plot doesn't have much focus, does it?
Critic Impersonating the shark:"I'll travel miles and miles, across the sea just to get my revenge...Ooo cow leg! NUMNUMNUM!"
"Well hey, you guys don't go around for the cheap stuff do yo- OW, you cock hole! Damn it! Eye's on the prize J-boy, Eye's on the prize!"
So to be honest, most of the movie is just Cane and Ms. Brody getting to know each other better.
While, once in while, they'll cut to a shot of the shark. That's it!
Yeah, it's like 'Terms of Endearment' if it was interrupted by, oh I don't know, A JAWS MOVIE!
But over time, Jaw's manages to get the dart off, I guess he had one of his undersea friends with opposable thumbs help em' out.
So, of course, they have a hard time looking for him but don't worry he finds them pretty easily.
Michael: *Muffled* "Jake!"
Jake: *Over com* "Michael!...Michael! Can you hear me!"
Oh my God, look at this, the roof is gone, he's completely in the open and yet....JAWS CONTINUES TO EAT THE METAL ON THE SHIP!
You know? For a movie called, 'The Revenge,' the actual 'Revenge' is extremely clumsy!
Dude! Just eat him! This is what you do!
This revenge should only have two steps!
Bingo!
But thank God just like in every Jaws movie, there's a sunken ship just a few meters away!
You know? He doesn't look as scary when he's just wiggling his way through tiny halls.
You ever see a really fat person trying to get through a tiny door?
Kinda the same reaction.
*Kool-Aid song plays*
Critic Impersonating Jake:"So, same time tomorrow?"
Actually, that's exactly what happens. He goes back into the water to fight this thing, but this time Jaws isn't looking for him!
Yeah, his ingenious revenge is now directed him to a beach a couple miles away.
Yeah, that's right, the guy is literally throwing himself at him and he's off at a beach trying to eat some kids!
I'm sorry, I really don't get Jaws' plan!
I mean, again, here he (referring to Michael) is out in the open and you're eating this banana boat!
I mean, okay, I guess you can make the argument that he was going for the granddaughter,
But, she's right there!
He literally ignores her and goes for this other chick!
What does she have to do with your plan?!
What, did she kick you when you were a guppy or something?!
I'm sorry! I know I'm dwelling on this, but I wouldn't concentrate on this aspect of the revenge if the movie wasn't called "THE REVENGE"!
And the fact that he traveled so far to pull it off!
I mean if it wasn't the revenge plot he was thinking of all that time? Well then what WAS he thinking of swimming to the Bahamas?!
*Double-Rainbow song playing in the background* *Jaws' singing along*
"Cross the sky...."
"Double Rainbow...."
"Cross the skyyy....."
But this time, Ellen decides the shark has gone too far!
It's time for Jaws to face his greatest opponent yet!
An aging, wrinkly, old blonde haired woman!
But everyone else decides, 'Hey! That's a fucking weak climax!'
So they get Michael Caine to fly them out to where she's headed.
Michael: "It'll find her!"
"What do you know about it?"
"She got the idea in her head, that the shark that killed Martin and Sean is following the family!"
"Hey! He's not talking about our shark, eh?"
"What do you do when your not flying people?"
"I deliver laundry!"
Peculiarly weird line...
But it seems like Jaws is getting closer and closer to his target and the clock is ticking!
Critic Impersonating Caine: "It's okay! Shark's are terrified of aviation! Everybody knows this!"
So they land the plane in the water, which means now Jaws has four people he can munch on!
But for some reason, he doesn't go after the people already in the water and decides, instead, he's in the mood for British food!
"Ah, shit!"
Okay, this movie might be worth it just for that one line.
"Ah, shit!"
I wish I could be so nonchalant about a great white coming after me!
Critic Impersonating Charlie Sheen: "Ch, Winning!"
Caine: "Give me a hand here, for Christ sake!"
Oh yeah, good thing an aging Michael Caine can outswim a giant killer shark without losing any of his limbs and coming out of the water almost completely dry!
Yeah, to quote what you just said earlier:
Ahhh, shit!
But it turns out, Jake might have an idea about how to fix the problem.
"This is all theory though, if it responds to external electrical impulse, it might respond to one coming from inside it."
Donatello: "According to the life force scanalyzer, these rampaging creatures are from Dimension X."
"If we rig an antenna on this, we got a slave unit that will shock the hell out of it."
Jake: "Right!"
Batman: "Sunlight could reverse the freezing process..."
Robin: "But it's morning in the Congo!"
"I'm rigging the receiver. If it works, we get it inside that bastard, and then we set it off!"
Data: "A positronic sub-processor detected high-frequency interfacing signatures from the organisms."
Yeah, the short version is a blinking light will make him mad, so that's what they try.
"JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"
Critic Impersonating Micheal: "I do my impression of a dolphin humping a goat for youuu!"
"AAAAAKE!"
Well because it worked so well the first time, they're going to try blinking the light on him again!
*Shark Roars (yes really)*
*Scoffs* Did that thing just roar?
*Shark roars again*(seriously, no joke)
Oh my God, that's Jaws roaring people! I wouldn't mind so much except I think I know where this roar came from!
This is the roar Jerry let out in a Tom and Jerry cartoon!
Seriously! Listen!
*Jerry roaring*
*Jaws' roaring again*
Well, gee, if you're gonna steal cartoon sound effects, there's a great boatload more you could of ripped from!
*Using the He-Man sound effect* "I HAVE THE POOWWWER!"
So Ellen, in a fit of rage, starts driving the boat towards the shark!
Not exactly sure what that's going to do? but let's find out!
Schnider: "Smile you son of a bitch!"
What the hell?!
He just... Blew up!
How the hell did the shark just blow up?!
Okay, all right, the other movies got bad but they at least had a reason why the shark blew up!
He didn't just spontaneously combust!
I mean, Jesus! Why are we so afraid of this thing if you if he could blow up this easily?!
It's like the worlds most sensitive shark!
*Little tap noise*
*Blowing up effect*
And get ready for dumb luck number two!
The black guy survives!
Yeah, look at him! Talking and everything!
You know what? I bet he actually feels better! I bet he actually feels better after getting eaten by a shark!
Micheal: "The hell are you doing alive, huh?"
Jake: "I tell ya, I tell ya, Uncle Jake's equipment don't crap out, eh?"
Well, I have no idea what you just said so we'll just say a wizard did it!
And that's it! That really is it! I don't know what makes the death of this shark more permanent than the the other three but it looks like this is finally, the last Jaws movie!
Thank God!
This is not only stupid, but it's mostly kind of a bore.
The set up is crazy, the characters are not interesting and it mostly feels padded out!
The shark's not as fake the third film, but it's still pretty damn fake!
And for a film called 'The Revenge,' it's a pretty lame revenge!
Trust me when I say, it's safe to go back in the water,
because anything is better than sitting in your living room and watching this piece of shit!
I'm the Nostalgia Critic... And I deliver laundry!