Big, big news for the 2020 presidential election.
The pool of Democratic candidates
just got another step closer to infinity.
Another candidate is joining
the 2020 Democratic presidential race.
New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand
took the first step last night
on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert.
I'm going to run for president of the United States
because as a young mom,
I'm gonna fight for other people's kids
as hard as I would fight for my own,
which is why I believe that health care
should be a right and not a privilege.
(cheering and applause)
Oh, boy, this is so exciting.
Another big name Democrat has joined the race.
And I'm-I'm really excited for Senator Gillibrand, right?
She's got a really progressive platform.
She's for universal health care,
campaign finance reform, paid family leave,
and she proved all those haters wrong
who said she would never run for president.
I like that about her. Yeah. Yeah.
Even if some of the best haters are yourself.
That was a powerful move there.
And, you know what, and as much as I love Senator Gillibrand,
I did think it was a little weird
that she said "as a young mom."
Because at 52, she isn't old...
no, but she also isn't a young mom.
Like, I feel like she just said that
to appeal to young mom voters, but-but it's still weird.
It would be like if Bernie came out.
He was like, "As a person of color,
I'm announcing my run for president of the United States."
And you'd be like, "What? Person of color?"
Be like, "That's right, Pinkish gray is a color."
And by the way, you know when Bernie announces he's running,
it won't be on, like, a hip show like Colbert, right?
He's gonna do it on an old people's show,
like Wheel of Fortune.
He'll be like, "Pat, Vanna, too many people in this country
can't afford to buy a vowel."
Moving on, YouTube: it's the place where we go
to watch people hurt themselves on video.
And, I mean, that's basically why we invented cameras, right?
The first movie was Thomas Edison
trying to skate down a railing and hitting his nuts.
A lot of people don't know that.
But now YouTube wants to put a stop to all of it.
YouTube is trying to save people from themselves
by banning videos that encourage dangerous activities
that could result in physical harm.
The decision comes amid reports of injuries sustained by people
doing the Bird Box Challenge inspired by the hit movie.
Okay, no. No. I'm sorry, no.
Censorship is a slippery slope, all right?
You can't ban these videos. It's like the old saying goes:
first they came for the Bird Box Challenge,
and I said nothing
because my mouth was full of Tide Pods, all right?
And by the way, YouTube,
if you want to ban dangerous things on your platform,
why not start with all those pro-Nazi videos, all right?
Or at the very least, make the Nazis do the stupid challenges.
Yeah. You can support Hitler
as long as you set yourself on fire.
Then we are all win. I like that.
(cheering and applause)
Moving on.
Since Jeff Sessions was fired
and returned to his home at the end of the rainbow,
the United States has been in need
of a new attorney general,
and yesterday President Trump's nominee,
William Barr, sat in front of senators
to say how excited he was for the job.
And now to the fight over William Barr,
the president's pick for attorney general.
He was on the hot seat on Capitol Hill yesterday
for the start of his confirmation hearings.
A number of my colleagues on both sides have asked--
and I'll bet you'll hear more-- questions along the line of,
"What would be your breaking point?"
Doesn't that give you some pause as you embark on this journey?
Uh...
it might give me pause if I was 45 or 50 years old,
but it doesn't give me pause right now, because, uh...
I-I had... I had a very good life.
"I had a very good life"?
Damn, that's a weird pitch.
Because it sounds like he's saying,
"I might as well work for Trump
"since I'm basically already dead.
I mean, it's all over now."
Oh, moving on to other hiring news,
Mike Pence's wife Karen,
or "Mother," as she's called
during their BDSM late-night kink sessions,
has just announced that she's going back to work.
REPORTER: Vice President Mike Pence's wife
is headed back to the classroom.
Karen Pence, who was a teacher for a number of years
in Indiana, also in Northern Virginia,
while her husband was in Congress,
will be teaching at the Immanuel Christian School
in Springfield. This job does not come without controversy.
The school bans gay and transgender students
from attending. The school also makes job candidates
sign a pledge that they won't condone homosexual activity.
I'm sorry, what?
No gay kids allowed?
How is that a school policy?
Like, did they just have an assembly one day
where the principal was like, "Listen up,
"at this school, we pound pussy.
"Am I clear?
"Hands up.
"Who in here is interested in the spring musical?
"Trick question! You're out, you're out,
you're out, you're out! You're all out!"
I'm not gonna lie. I think it's crazy
that if you want to discriminate against anyone in America,
all you have to do is say, "Oh, it's because of my religion.
I'm not discriminating." Like, I want to try that.
I want to just be like, "No short people allowed
"at my shows, because, uh,
"I want all my friends to be close to Jesus,
and you couldn't be further away."