- It's so good to see all of you.
I am happy to be anywhere that is not,
say it with me, my apartment.
(audience cheering)
We're having fun.
You all look so happy.
I'm just so glad I could see your faces.
(audience laughing)
I do wanna start by addressing
the elephant foot in the room.
(audience laughing)
The rumors are true.
I fully broke my foot.
My foot is broken.
I went to an indoor ski park in New Jersey.
(audience laughing)
Now, those words don't belong in the same sentence.
(audience laughing)
So that should've been a red flag for your girl,
but it wasn't for me.
(audience laughing)
(laughs) And I decided to take on the black diamond.
And let me tell you, it did not go well, okay.
But that is not how I broke my foot.
I broke my foot walking down the street. (laughs)
Isn't that grand?
(audience laughing)
I was fully just walking.
You know, some people forgot
like how to socialize during quarantine.
Me, I forgot how to move.
(audience laughing)
But I do have good news though for everyone.
I became an aunt this summer.
Thank you so much. (audience cheering)
Both my sister and my best friend had babies.
So Brooklyn, now is the perfect time for me to announce
to everyone here tonight,
my boyfriend and I have decided to adopt two kittens.
We're adopting two kittens.
Thank you. (audience cheering)
Thank you.
We adopted these two little black kittens.
They're brother and sister.
They're so cute.
I wanna give a shout out to Turbo and Coco
who are home watching right now.
Where's the camera?
Mommy loves you guys.
(audience laughing)
Mommy loves you.
Go to bed, it's late.
(audience laughing)
Get to bed, you guys.
(audience laughing)
(laughs) Yeah, we bravely came out as cat people
when our landlord told us
we could legally not be dog people.
(audience laughing)
So that was why that happened.
And we had to choose between like birds and cats
and I was like, listen, let me tell you something
right the fuck now, Brooklyn.
I'd rather die than be a bird person.
(audience laughing)
Would rather die.
You know who owns birds?
That kid from the third grade
who would flip his eyelids inside out.
(audience laughing)
He's a real bird man.
This guy knows what I'm talking about.
He's got a parakeet at home.
(audience laughing)
A real Toucan Sam vibe from you.
(audience laughing)
(laughs) I do love being an aunt though.
God, this is embarrassing.
(audience laughing)
I love being an aunt.
It's really fun.
I'm fun.
Like are good at it, you know.
Like my younger sister, I opted out of her baby registry
and instead I just got her like a ton
of baby Halloween costumes just for everyday use, you know,
because what's more fun: baby Kyler shitting his pants
or Wilson the Volleyball shitting his pants?
(audience laughing)
I almost couldn't get it out.
That's just so funny.
(audience laughing)
We had a drive-by shower for my sister
because of the 'rona, and I loved it.
I did because instead of having to like sit down
and explain to my nana why my younger sister
is having a baby before me, I just got to smile and wave.
(audience laughing)
You know, as she drove by in a PT Cruiser.
(audience laughing)
It's like, "Hi, Nana. What?
"I can't hear you.
"I love you too."
(audience laughing)
Toot too, beep beep, gotta go.
(audience laughing)
I think everything should be a drive-by.
I really do.
I think that's the way to go.
I want drive birthdays.
I want drive by weddings.
I hope my sister has a drive-by baptism.
(audience laughing)
I think that would be really fun, right?
The priest just drives by with a super soaker
(audience laughing)
and just sprays baby Kyler who's wearing the outfit
I bought him for the occasion, Jabba the Hutt.
(audience laughing)
(laughs) And the thing is like
I've thought about this a lot
'cause I've had only time to think lately.
Society views cat moms, like myself,
as being like embarrassing, right?
I think the medical term is sad aunt syndrome.
(audience laughing)
Okay, but guess what?
Society is dead fucking wrong.
Okay, I am winning.
I love not having kids.
I love it.
Okay, sorry I'm getting dicked down on the regular
(audience cheering)
but you can't because little Lucas
is having separation anxiety.
(audience laughing)
I'm sorry I can pee without an audience
and curse in my own home with reckless fucking abandon.
(audience laughing)
I'm sorry I don't have to hide my vibrators
in the medicine cabinet
and pretend they're for mommy's headaches.
(audience laughing)
I mean, and like look, I don't mean to mom shame, okay.
Moms rule.
Moms are the best.
I actually came from a mom.
(audience laughing)
But I just think we've got to rebrand the aunt, right?
And representation matters.
That is what I'm saying.
Like, I was holding my nephew other day
and he was a little cranky and so my sister was like,
"Oh yeah, he's just a little fussy.
"He probably just has to be changed."
And I was like, "Yeah, into a kitty."
(audience laughing)
Where's the camera?
Mommy loves you guys.
I'm serious.
Go to bed, it's a school night.
(audience laughing)
(laughs) I am at that age though where people are asking me
if I wanna have my own kids, right.
That age being 21.
(audience laughing)
I think the short answer, no. (laughs)
Boop. (laughs) Nope.
And my long answer would probably be something like,
♪ No no no no no no no no no ♪
♪ No ooh ♪
♪ No no no no no ♪
♪ No ♪
(scatting) No.
(audience laughing)
I just do that for a half hour.
That's the show.
No, I do not wanna have kids.
And that is sad.
That is sad because pregnancy would be so on-brand for me.
(audience laughing)
Right, like just when I thought I could not possibly
get any cuter, I imagine myself waddling.
(audience laughing)
Where's the lie?
That shit's adorable.
And like a grown man talking to my belly?
Sign me up.
(audience laughing)
Like I love that shit
but I'm not, I'm not built for motherhood.
I'm really not.
Like spoiler alert, I can be mad dumb.
I can be real dumb.
Like, I didn't realize Valencia was a place.
I thought it was just an Instagram filter.
(audience laughing)
You know, it amazes me how I have this organ in my skull
that is like faster than a computer, right,
yet on the way here I used it to Google,
"What animal is Donkey from 'Shrek'?"
(audience laughing)
He's a horse, turns out.
No, he's a donkey and I didn't fucking know that.
I also, you know, I don't follow through.
I'm a bit of a quitter.
I quit things.
Where are my quitters at?
They all left.
I quit.
They quit the night.
I'm a quitter, I am.
I quit college after 20 minutes.
Dropped out.
I quit acting school and I quit improv school.
Right, but in my defense, I do not respect improv.
(audience laughing)
I don't.
A bunch of fucking people spending thousands
to stand in a circle and play word games.
(audience laughing)
Right, how about zip, zap, stop, you're 40?
(audience laughing)
You're fucking 40 years old.
You know and kids just make you even more dumb.
They do.
Like, I'll explain.
Like, I went over to my friend Rachel's
and she has a toddler so he was there
'cause he still lives there.
(audience laughing)
And she got all excited like telling me like,
"Oh my God, Christi, like I'm potty training him.
"Like, this is what we do.
"Like, a take a Cheerio, you know like a cereal.
"Like, I take a Cheerio cereal and then I throw it
"in the potty and I get Maxi, little Maximilian,
"to aim at the Cheerio and he loves it.
"It's like a fun game we play.
"Isn't that great?"
And I was like, "Rachel, listen to yourself.
"You have a master's degree."
(audience laughing)
You have a literal master's degree.
You know, but if I do ever have a kid one day by accident,
I will tell you this.
(audience laughing)
I'm not gonna take out my phone and post pictures
and go live on my social.
Listen, I think people, hear me out,
need to pump the fucking brakes on posting pictures
of their newborns online.
It's silent.
Listen to me, hear me out.
Follow me on this journey.
(audience laughing)
Some of these fucking babies are halfway in.
(audience chuckling)
What, you can't wipe it off first?
I mean yeah, child birth is a miracle.
So is my lunch.
I wanna fucking keep it down.
(audience laughing)
I mean, think about it.
Really think about it.
I think it's fucked up.
Like sir, what would you do, think about this,
if somebody took a picture of you
the second you were forcibly evicted from your home?
That shit's rude.
You don't have to answer.
I'll answer for you.
That shit's fucked up.
(audience laughing)
And you know, I just don't understand what the urgency is.
You know, I don't.
It's not gonna go back in, Sheila.
(audience laughing)
I do fake a pregnancy though
(audience laughing)
from time to time.
I know don't judge me.
And you don't judge me, you have a parakeet at home.
(audience laughing)
I mean, stop, Toucan Sam.
Keep your judgements to yourself.
(audience laughing)
I do, I fake a pregnancy
and I do it so I could get a seat on the subway.
(audience laughing)
And like it works.
It hurts my feelings how much it works
(audience laughing)
and then I'll just sit there
and I will laugh and laugh to myself.
You know, like, yeah, I'm pregnant with twins,
Fettuccine and Alfredo!
(audience laughing)