- Sometime later, Jesus went up to Jerusalem.
There was in Jerusalem a pool near the sheep gate.
Under these arches, a great many sick people were lying.
Some of them were blind, some lame,
and some had withered limbs.
- Come, my children, and I shall heal you.
(coughing)
- My Lord, I have been stricken with leprosy.
- A terrible affliction.
- Indeed, Jesus.
You've healed it many times for others.
Surely you can heal me?
- Yes I have, but the condition,
it was already existing within you?
- Uh, I'm sorry?
- You had it before you came to see me today?
- Oh, well, yes, I did, but...
- The clinical term for leprosy is Hansen's disease,
which is a pre-existing condition.
You do not qualify for a miracle.
I'm very sorry.
Next.
(slow instrumental music plays)
- What ails you, my child?
- Jesus, my child, he was born with a heart condition
like Jimmy Kimmel's kid.
Please, Jesus, heal him.
- Didn't you hear what I just said to that last guy
about pre-existing conditions?
- Oh no, I couldn't hear.
My child, he cries.
- Well, since your baby was born with this,
there's not really anything I can do about it.
- But Jesus, you have the power to heal this affliction.
I've seen you do it with others.
Please, Jesus!
- Well yes, but those babies' parents had lots of...
- Jesus!
- I'm sorry.
That's just how the free market works.
Miracles are expensive.
Good luck.
- Really?
- I'm sorry. - Really?
It's a fucking baby.
- Who's next?
- Jesus, have mercy on me, for I have a pain
in my lower abdomen.
- Oh, na, na, na, na, na.
Not listening!
Abdomen stuff, that falls under women's health,
so you need to go talk to Mary Magdalen at her clinic,
Prophesied Parenthood.
- But Prophesied Parenthood was de-funded.
They closed.
- Oh, that's right.
My bad.
My hands were really nailed to a cross on that one.
You know how my base feels about abortion.
- Oh, but I'm not looking for an abortion.
I'm looking for basic miracle care.
- Okay, Look, lady.
Time is shekel, so you need to keep going.
Let's go.
Who's next?
Come on people.
- Please, Jesus, I'm dying.
- It's my father.
- How old is he?
- 62
- Maybe if he was 20 years younger,
I might be able to help him,
but as is, this is going to be like five times
more expensive, so...
I cannot treat your father.
You understand, though, don't you?
- Not really.
(crying out in pain)
- Christ!
Dear Lord, please bring him back!
You can heal the sick and raise the dead!
- Well there is a way
and that's if he pulls himself up by his own boot straps.
Hey, just be glad he wasn't in hospice care.
Talk about...
Okay, if you don't like it, you can move to Caininda,
just grab him and get outta here.
Okay, get out of here!
That's enough healing for today.
(crowd shouting)
Okay, okay.
Calm down.
I know that it looks like the plan is mean,
and I'm turning my back on the poor
and the elderly and children.
- You are turning your back on us!
- No, I'm just not giving you something now,
so that later you can get tax breaks,
if you qualify.
(crowd protesting)
And...
if you're in the right income bracket.
Oh, but then, once you get that sweet tax break,
you can use all the extra money
on all the miracle care that you want!
Don't you see it?
It's... It's genius!
Tax breaks!
Woo!
Fuck you!
Tax breaks for everyone, except not really!
Maybe for you? Maybe not!
I don't know!
AHHHH! Tax breaks!
(sound of choking)
Come get your tax breaks!
(laughing and screaming)
Tax breaks!
(screaming)
What are you gonna do about it?
What are you gonna do?
I own you!
Oh Jesus don't care.
Jesus don't care.
Oh Jesus coming.
(shouting in ecstasy)
- Hey, wait a minute!
This isn't Jesus!
It's Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell.
- Get 'em!
(feet trampling)
♫ It's Mitch McConnell,
♫ the time-traveling turtle,
♫ Goin' back in time to fix the past
♫ Wearin' pants or wearin' a girdle
♫ He hangs with hippies and he smokes grass
♫ Wee!
(uptempo music)