[MUSIC PLAYING]
Namaste, everybody.
Today we're going to be talking about
the vindictive narcissist.
And if you are divorcing a vindictive narcissist,
or if you're trying to leave a relationship
with a vindictive narcissist, I have some tips for you as well.
So we have to remember that narcissism
is all about hidden rage.
It's about hidden aggression.
In my opinion, it's about needing
to pull people into an abusive cycle, a cycle that
sets the victim up for being abused
so that the narcissist can act out
this hidden aggression within the dynamics
of the relationship.
Now, when you're dealing with a vindictive narcissist,
the earmark of vindictive narcissism
is the need to persecute somebody.
So if you've ever been in a relationship with someone
like this and it's gone awry, you
may have received terrible, terrible text messages,
you may have been smeared on Facebook,
this person may have stocked you,
this person may have even threatened to kill you.
This person just seemed hell-bent.
Out of nowhere, you suddenly become
a target for tremendous, tremendous aggression.
Try to divorce a narcissist.
Try to sustain a relationship or try
to sustain a working environment with
a vindictive narcissistic boss or a vindictive narcissistic
co-worker.
Try to be a part of a family with a vindictive narcissistic
sibling.
It's nearly impossible.
When I was going through my divorce,
I always knew that I had a dysfunctional relationship
with my ex-husband, but I was not
prepared for the onslaught of smearing,
for the triangulation that he tried
to create with my children.
Turning my children against me, lying in court,
lying to my friends.
It was the most painful time of my life.
The relationship was always difficult.
But coming to terms with the reality
that the person that I was married to
was hell bent on destroying me-- and, get this,
he even admitted it.
He even admitted it.
He told me one day, Lisa, I thought if I destroyed you,
you would come back to me.
Not a very cerebral narcissist, right?
This is somebody who is very somatic,
who acted out his aggression.
And it almost felt like all of the aggression
that he was keeping below the surface absolutely came out
during the divorce proceedings.
And it was quite scary, I have to tell you.
Their hidden aggression, their anger, and their shame,
their paranoia-- when this is triggered
you become their target.
And they will stop at nothing to make sure
that your life is a living hell.
So if someone like this, whether it's someone
that you're observing is treating someone like this,
pay attention because the minute you
don't acquiesce to this person for any reason,
they're coming for you.
My name is Lisa A. Romano.
I'm the Breakthrough Life Coach and best
selling author and meditation teacher
on Insight Timer and the creator of the 12 week breakthrough
coaching program that helps you heal
from codependency and narcissistic abuse
and create new programs, new vibrations,
so that you can create a new life.
If you want to read about my journey
with a vindictive narcissist and what the divorce looked like,
you can read it in my book My Road Beyond the Co-dependent
Divorce, you can actually click the link below to learn more.
I'm going to give you some tips on how
I dealt with the vindictive narcissist in my life
and some of the things that I did wrong.
One of the things that I did wrong in the beginning
was I reacted to what he said.
So when he told a lie, or when he was smearing my name,
or whatever, making stories up, I felt triggered.
And I went right into, how could you
say that, what's wrong with you, why
are you trying to turn the kids against me,
what you're saying isn't even true, you know you're lying.
Why would you call my mom and say
I said I was going to commit suicide?
Why would you call my best friend
and suggest that I was an unfit mother?
Why are you doing that?
Why are you lying like this?
Why are you saying I did things that I didn't do, right?
I was highly reactive, and what I didn't realize
was I was giving this vindictive narcissist all
of my energy, all of my power.
And what it did was it created this scenario
where he was up here, and I was emotional, and I was down here.
I finally realized to go shutty, shutty, go gray rock,
go no contact.
So when he texted me an insult, I just closed my phone.
When he said something to the children, I said to them,
I'm so sorry that Daddy is saying these things.
I really am.
I wish these kinds of words didn't come out of his mouth.
I want you to know that I forgive Daddy.
I'm working towards forgiving Daddy.
Some days it was really hard to forgive Daddy.
But I wanted my children to feel like mommy
had her stuff together, that I was in control.
And at the same time, I was aware
that I had to teach my children not
to be triggered by somebody who was vindictive
because those people do exist.
The other thing that I didn't do was
I didn't keep records very early on.
So whether you're dealing with the vindictive co-worker,
whether you are dealing with a vindictive employee,
whether you're dealing with a vindictive friend
or a vindictive soon-to-be ex, write everything down right
from the beginning.
Try to keep your emotions out of it.
Write down what they said.
Copy all emails.
If they've ever praised you prior-- let's
say you're dealing with a vindictive narcissistic boss,
and they gave you a raving review like six months ago.
Bring that up.
Bring that into your file.
And now all of a sudden this vindictive narcissistic boss
or employee is talking badly about you
and is writing negative things about you.
Bring them together.
So you want to start creating a file.
Everything the narcissist has ever said,
anything the narcissist has ever done,
if the narcissist shows up your house, drives past your house,
write it down.
If the narcissist texts you after you've said,
please don't text me anymore, write it down.
If you get a Facebook comment, write it down.
If someone tells you that they're smearing your name,
they're defaming your name, get a copy of it.
Keep it in your file so that you have proof that there's
defamation happening.
Do what you can to be very logical and reasonable
about needing to arm yourself in case
you need to defend yourself at a later date.
The other thing that I can suggest that I was not
prepared to do was you have to be prepared
for when the vindictive narcissist starts
smearing your name and what that feels like.
It is so difficult to be somebody who would not
treat someone vindictively and then
to know that there is someone out there lying about you,
especially someone that you had children
with, or especially someone that you had a working relationship
with, or especially someone that was
your friend, or your sister, or your brother.
It boggles your mind when you begin
to realize that there are people out there that
are totally OK with trying to smear your name.
So I wasn't prepared for that.
It kind of knocked me off my feet.
I couldn't believe the things he was saying.
I had secrets about him that I would never tell anybody,
believe it or not.
It's true.
There are things about my ex-husband
that I would not reveal to another soul
because I know the pain that that would cause him.
And I imagine if someone did that to me,
and I don't want to put that energy out in the world.
I don't want that type of energy in my body.
The energy that we put out into the world, every thought
that we think, creates a vibrational blueprint
in our atomic structure and our physical being.
I think that's what aging is tied to,
these negative frequencies.
If you're dealing with someone who's persecuting you,
rest knowing that that energy is within them.
Because you can't give something you don't have.
So if someone's trying to hurt you--
I finally let go because I realized my ex-husband,
for him to be able to behave this way,
that energy was in him.
And that made me feel very sad for him.
I didn't have a lot of spiritual tools
at the time, a lot of emotional tools,
and I got very sucked into this drama.
I didn't realize at the time that my abandonment
trauma was being triggered.
My own shame as a co-dependent was being triggered.
And that was the hook.
And the more I healed myself, the more
I healed from co-dependency, the more
I learned to pull away from the outside world
and turn within and send people love, and radiate love
to everybody.
Because that's what we need.
The world needs love.
The more I learned to do that-- and that
was a long, difficult process.
I'm still learning, by the way.
But the more I did that, the less hooked
I was when my vindictive narcissistic ex-husband
smeared my name.
If you're in a custody battle with a vindictive narcissist,
do what you can to make sure that you
hire an attorney that understands what narcissism
is all about.
The more your attorney understands
what you're dealing, with the less frustrated
you'll feel when you go and you meet with them
and you try to explain what's happening in your life
and the tactics they're using.
The passive aggressive comments, the driving past the house,
the not picking the kids up, leaving the kids
in the street crying like my ex-husband did.
I'm not even kidding.
Taking one child and not taking the other two children
so that you can't be alone.
Or taking one child and not taking the other child
because the other child didn't make the narcissist
feel good about themselves.
Or one of the children actually said something
to the narcissist about them that
was true that triggered them.
A vindictive narcissist during a divorce proceeding
is going to pull you through the wringer.
It's not going to be an easy process.
You have to prepare yourself for this process
and make sure you don't get caught up thinking,
oh, it should be over by now.
Because that's pain versus pleasure.
Once your brain thinks. this should be over by now,
and when it's not, when it's outside your control,
you're going to suffer.
So do what you can to recognize that divorcing
a vindictive narcissist is not like divorcing somebody
that you have an amicable relationship with.
A vindictive narcissist is not going
to be concerned about what your children think or about what
your children feel.
A vindictive narcissist is only going
to be interested in making your life hell.
And if they have to use your children to make your life
hell, they will.
Whether you're divorcing a female narcissist
or you're divorcing a male narcissist, it's the same.
The agenda is the same.
The agenda is to punish you for triggering them,
for leaving them, or for suggesting that they
are wrong on any count.
When you're dealing with a vindictive narcissist
you have to understand that rational thinking
and fair-minded thinking does not work.
You have to protect yourself.
You have to get all of your papers aligned.
Any evidence that you have that they've stalked you,
harassed you through email or whatever,
you have to gain that.
Because this is what you will use against them
if you need to.
Narcissists just want to push you around.
They want to see how far they can push your boundary.
Inside, they're very, very frightened people,
and with good reason.
They have a narcissistic injury, but you're not
responsible for that.
And what our job is on Earth is to learn
to heal our old selves so that we
don't have to play this stuff out with other people.
But in my opinion, the number one earmark
of a vindictive narcissist is a need to punish and persecute
you when the relationship ends.
It's important to remember that when you're
dealing with somebody who is a narcissist, especially
a vindictive narcissist, right there is all this hidden rage,
this hidden hate.
And they believe everyone is as mean, and as cruel,
and as willing to punish people as they are.
So yes, they're paranoid.
So the slightest thing that you can do they
can see as an absolute threat, and they go right
into defense mode.
Another very important thing to do is to find support.
Narcissistic abuse is one of those things that
make you doubt your reality.
It can make you feel like you're living in constant fear.
It's a terrible way to live.
You can get stuck in fight or flight.
Inflammation begins to take over your body.
Fibromyalgia, infertility issues, migraine headaches,
you name it.
It's no way to live.
I personally believe that one of the greatest things that we're
supposed to be doing here on planet Earth is overcome fear.
We're learning to overcome the need
to live in a life of constriction.
We're trying to find the source of abundance.
But when you're dealing with a narcissist,
sometimes you feel like you're always in fight or flight
because they're always threatening you.
Especially when you're trying to leave a vindictive narcissist.
It doesn't take much to tick a vindictive narcissist off
because they're so wounded inside themselves
that anything that you say and anything that you do
is considered a threat.
You can say hello, and they can accuse you
of threatening to kill them.
I mean, it's craziness.
It's absolute craziness.
So make sure that you get support.
Make sure that you're taking care of your body.
Make sure that you're sleeping.
Make sure that you're meditating.
Make sure that you understand that your mind may want
to go into loops and loops of fear, but at all costs
try to avoid doing that.
If you have children, do what you can possibly
maybe to get them into therapy.
Make sure that you're in control of your reactions
when you're around your ex.
If you have to find another place
to drop the kids off so that the ex can spend time with them,
consider that.
But let me tell you something.
I was afraid to go to court.
It took me four years to find the strength to go to court.
I was terrified, absolutely terrified.
And then someone told me, unless you push this person back--
and this isn't the case with all narcissists, absolutely.
There are some narcissists that you
don't want to take to court.
You just kind of want to back out as slow as you can
and acquiesce them until this thing is all over.
When I finally got the courage to really stand up for myself
and say, enough is enough, and I went to family court
and I showed the judge some of the things
that my ex-husband was saying, they were mortified.
They couldn't believe that I had tolerated so much.
I went before a female judge who read me the riot act.
I mean, she was so annoyed that I
had put up with so much stuff.
I was just so afraid to push back.
I wasn't sure what he was going to do next.
But speaking from experience, what happened in my case,
when I finally went to the police, when I finally started
filing police reports, when I sent him
an order of protection, when he had to come to court,
it was a completely different issue.
I was fortunate.
The judge saw right through the lies.
The judge saw right through all of his antics.
And the judge actually said to him, I see people like you
in this courtroom every single day.
You have no idea the experience I
have after being a judge for over 20 years.
She is not your property.
You don't get to use your children against her.
Do you understand me?
And I was shocked.
I was so happy that somebody saw what I saw.
Because my ex-husband was very good at convincing people
that he was the nicest person in the room.
But yet below the surface, the kids and I
felt his rage, especially when we
didn't do what he wanted us to do, especially
when we confronted him, especially if we told him
that we weren't happy with something.
It was a completely different story.
That's when the rage began to surface.
So this video is for anybody out there who's going through this.
I get letters every single day, hundreds of letters
from people who are trying to get out
of a relationship with a narcissist.
And even trying to end a relationship with a friend
or trying to go no contact with a narcissistic vindictive
mother or sibling, it is so difficult, especially
if you're somebody who is highly empathic,
who is highly intuitive, and who would never behave
this way towards someone.
It's very devastating.
But part of what we can learn from it
is how to let go part of what we can learn from it
is how to raise our vibrations and raise our consciousness
beyond living in fear.
At least those are a few of the things
that I've learned on my journey.
I don't have to react to fear.
I don't have to live in fear.
People are allowed to say whatever they want about me.
And they are allowed to say whatever they want about you.
Everybody sees the next person through their own lens.
If there's a trauma lens there, I firmly
believe where there is trauma there is drama.
So I hope some of the personal experiences that I have gone
through have helped you feel a little bit more
confident in moving ahead.
Be sure that you learn to take care of yourself,
especially going through this type of drama.
It takes such an emotional, and physical,
and mental toll on you.
And it also affects your children.
So make sure that you're in therapy.
Find a therapist who understands this type of vindictiveness.
And do what you can to heal any codependency within you.
Make sure you're eating right, meditating, journaling,
and just really taking care of yourself.
This too shall pass.
I hope this has been helpful.
Namaste, dear ones.
Until next time.
Bye for now.