to understand why love matters one
should start by looking at its opposite
loneliness
frequently we leave the topic of
loneliness unmentioned those without
anyone to hold feel shame those with
someone a background degree of guilt
but the pains of loneliness are an
unembarrassing and universal possibility
we shouldn't on top of it all feel
lonely about being lonely
there are few greater experts on the
importance of love than those who are
bereft of anyone to love
it's hard to know quite what all the
fuss around love might be about until
and unless one has somewhere along the
way spent some bitter unwanted passages
in one's own company
when we're alone people may well strive
to show us kindness there may be
invitations and touching gestures but it
will be hard to escape from a lingering
sense of the conditionality of the
interest and care on offer
we're liable to detect the limits of the
availability of even the best disposed
companions and sense the restrictions of
the demands we can make upon them
it's often too late or too early to call
in bleak moments we may suspect we could
disappear off the earth and no one would
much notice
or care
in ordinary company we can't simply
share whatever's passing through our
minds too much of our inner monologue is
overly petty or intense random or
anxiety laden to be of interest
our acquaintances have an understandable
expectation which it would be unwise to
disabuse them of that their friends
should be normal
we must operate with a constant degree
of politeness as well no one finds rage
or obsession peculiarity or bitterness
especially charming we can't act up or
rant a radical editing of our true
selves is the price we must pay for
conviviality
we have to accept to that much of who we
are won't readily be understood some of
our deepest concerns will be met with
blanking comprehension boredom or fear
most people just won't give a damn our
deeper thoughts will be of scant
interest we'll have to subsist as
pleasant but radically abbreviated
paragraphs in the minds of almost
everyone
all these quietly soul-destroying
aspects of single life love promises to
correct in the company of a lover there
need be almost no limits to the depths
of concern care attention and license
we're granted we will be accepted more
or less as we are we won't be under
pressure to keep proving our status it
will be possible to reveal our extreme
vulnerabilities and compulsions and
survive it will be okay to have tantrums
to sing badly or to cry we'll be
tolerated if we are less than charming
or simply vile for a time
we'll be able to wake them up at odd
hours to share sorrows or excitements
our smallest scratches will be of
interest we'll be able to raise topics
of awe-inspiring minuteness
it won't have been like this since early
childhood the last time kindly others
expended serious energy discussing
whether the top button on our cardigan
should be done up or left open
we will feel immense gratitude to this
person who does something that we had
maybe come to suspect would be
impossible know us really well and still
like us
we will have escaped from that otherwise
dominant and devastating sense that the
only way to get people to like us is to
keep most of who we are under wraps
we will start to feel like we exist our
identity will be safe we won't be the
only guardians of our story when the
world's disinterest chills and erodes us
we'll be able to return to the lover to
be put back together again reflected
back to ourselves in terms that reassure
and console us
surrounded on all sides by lesser or
greater varieties of coldness we will at
last know that in the arms of one
extraordinary patient and kindly being
worthy of infinite gratitude we truly
matter
at the school of life we believe that
confidence is a skill we can all learn
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