[music playing]
[bell]
Hello, class, thanks for coming.
Although you really had no choice,
since if you don't come to school in America,
your parents get arrested.
Today we're going to learn about some
of the great Asian veterans in US history.
Because Asians have served in the US military
for almost as long as America has fought in wars, which
is basically the whole time.
America loves war so much, it wants to have its babies,
and then send those babies to go fight in the next war.
Anyway, first up is Augustin Feliciano,
who fought in the War of 1812, which happened in--
see now, let's see here-- oh, huh, the teacher's guide
doesn't actually say, so nice going, morons.
Feliciano was the first Filipino
to serve in the US Navy.
But before he sailed with the Navy, he sailed with pirates.
That's right.
American history has Asian veterans and Asian pirates.
I'm blowing your frickin' mind today.
What's next, Asian werewolves?
No, that's beneath us.
Let's fast forward to America's Civil War, the first one,
not the one currently happening every day
in your Twitter feed.
The Civil War is where Chinese-American soldiers
began to make their mark.
Of the roughly 200 Chinese-Americans
living in the Eastern US at the time, 58 of them
served in the war.
That's 58 out of 200.
Can you calculate the percentage from that number?
It's easy.
You just cross out the zeros.
You move the decimal point over.
You flip the whole thing. You multiply by 100.
And you plug your [bleep] phone and use a calculator.
Math is easy, especially for me, a teacher.
One of the most distinguished Chinese Civil War vets
was Joseph Pierce.
He rose in the ranks to corporal, the highest rank
of any Chinese-American in the Union Army,
which I can also relate to because I
am the highest ranking Asian at The Daily Show.
Though, sadly, I do not have as many confirmed kills.
And, yeah, there were white soldiers
in the 1800s who were taking orders from an Asian guy.
Because those guys were #allies.
And they didn't even need to brag about it on Instagram.
All right, Julia, we get it.
You taught your dog Cantonese.
But not every veteran got what they deserve.
Edward Day Cohota was a Chinese immigrant
adopted by an American ship captain
who found the Civil War, and then
served for another 26 years.
But get this-- America still refused to make him a citizen.
Do you believe that?
I mean, this guy risked his life in the military
for almost 30 years.
Most citizens never do anything close to that.
They automatically get citizenship
just by getting pooped out of their mom's butt.
That's right.
I threw in some sex ed for free.
You're welcome.
Let's move on to World War I and one
of its greatest Asian-American heroes, Lau Sing Kee.
He was a runner, which means he ran messages to the front line
all while dodging gunfire and flamethrowers.
That's right.
This guy risked his life to send messages.
I hope this makes you grateful for texting.
In fact, I wish this was still how we had to send messages.
You'd probably think twice if you
had to run across a battlefield to get someone
a picture of your dick.
Now let's turn to World War II, which
saw Asian-American heroes like Daniel Inouye, who fought
in the 442nd Regiment, a unit made up completely
of soldiers of Japanese descent and one of the most decorated
regiments in military history.
During a combat mission in France,
Inouye escaped death when a bullet to his chest
was blocked by two silver dollars.
Try doing that with Bitcoin, you crypto bitches.
Daniel Inouye is why I carry two silver dollars in
my breast pocket at all times.
Wait.
Where are they?
Oh, yeah, I got that vending machine Coke.
OK, nobody shoot me until I can get to the bullion exchange.
Even after his military service,
Inouye went on to serve 50 years in Congress.
So congrats to him on finding the only job
worse than combat.
But maybe the biggest Asian badass
to come out of World War II was captain Nieves Fernandez,
a Filipino schoolteacher who became a guerrilla warfare
fighter and led a squadron that killed
over 200 Japanese soldiers.
You hear that, class?
Schoolteachers can become guerrilla assassins.
Do not mess with us.
Ow, goddamn, that's sharp.
The last veteran we're going to learn about today
is a living legend, and not how that term is usually used,
like if your friend Jake wins a stupid flip cup tournament.
I mean, an actual legend, Tammy Duckworth.
She served as a Blackhawk helicopter pilot in Iraq
until 2004, when her aircraft was hit
by a rocket-propelled grenade.
She lost her legs and partial use of her right arm.
For her sacrifice, she was honored with a Purple Heart.
I don't know why it's purple.
I guess whoever designed it was a huge Prince fan.
But her service didn't end with the military.
She went on to become the first Thai
American woman and disabled woman elected to Congress.
She also became the first woman to bring
a baby onto the Senate floor.
Although it definitely wasn't the first diaper.
Those dudes are old as shit.
So, class, in conclusion, from now on, when you think
of Asians in American history, don't just
think of railroads and that [bleep] guy
from Breakfast at Tiffany's who isn't actually Asian.
Think of Tammy Duckworth, Lau Sing
Kee, and Nieves Fernandez, who Kill Billed half an army.
Speaking of which, I got to go tend to this neck wound.
Knowing how cheap these school districts are,
I probably have lead poisoning.
Class dismissed.
[cheering]