Or you know, the black widow, she mates with her male mate
and then she snuffs them.
So I'm working on this estrogen thing heavy,
it's going to be part of that Geiger counter thing.
I, okay, embarrassment, I'm 56 years old and I'm a virgin.
I'm sorry-
Technically, but has the bell gone off yet?
The bell has not gone off
but testimony should be relevant to the item before.
Officer Carr, you remember when you voted?
And you can answer this after I sit down.
Three minutes.
Your time is up.
There are some folks in little Austin town,
don't have a lot of dough.
They're not using all your gasoline,
they like to go real slow.
My legal name is Greg Gay. I was bullied.
I had my head shoved in the urinal.
Lance, you were the one that shoved my head in the urinal.
Thank you.
Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks.
Look on these nuts and suck the dick.
That's Snoop Dogg.
I am not a sexually active person. I do no sex.
There's a movie called A-R-R-O-Y-O 2014.
Get up and watch it.
And guess what, I'm not the rancher.
Not the rancher's wife, not the rancher's kid,
not that I couldn't have been.
That's not the path I chose, was it?
My ex-husband's the killer. And news flash, he's not dead.
I have two boobs, not six.
I have six butts because when you guys are talking about me,
you have no idea who knows me.
Sane people know that showing up
at their local city council meetings
will accomplish nothing. That's why I asked you
to send me any complaints about your community
and I will give them the national platform
they don't deserve in a segment I'm calling, local twissues.
First, in my town of Glen Cove,
my neighbors believe that they own the street
so they put out cones to reserve parking spots.
One neighbor in particular doesn't like his cones touched
so he goes off whenever someone moves his cone
or his recyling bin he uses as a third cone.
Oh ho, I recommend settling this with violence.
The Steak N Shake in Cape Girardeau, Missouri,
closes at 10PM.
That's too early. Please help us.
Tucker, I hear you, but you really shouldn't
be eating steaks or shakes after 10PM.
Now, if you have to, buy a heat lamp.
Then pick up your food at 10
and keep it warm until you're hungry.
My city, Clayton, Missouri,
banned golf carts on the streets.
I've been driving my golf cart on the streets for years.
The surrounding cities allow it,
but I have to drive illegally to get out of Clayton.
Help me.
Okay, now here's what you do, buddy.
Carry a golf ball with you at all times,
then when you get pulled over,
you tell those do-nothing sons of bitches running Clayton,
that you're playing your ball where it lies.
There's no Wifi in my high school
and they make us use our phones
for a bunch of things, wasting data I can't afford.
Also, they opened up a second cafeteria
in recent renovations called, the internet café,
but they don't allow students to connect to the wifi.
Better be careful writing with all caps,
they're gonna put you on a list.
I'm tired of these spandex wearing cycle freaks
parading around in their bicycle gangs,
slowing down traffic in Gwinnett County, Georgia.
We need to introduce lions to the local population
to cull this Lance Armstrong herd.
I like where your head's at.
I fully endorse releasing lions in the streets of Georgia.
I'm just surrounded by idiots. Kalkaska, Michigan.
Well, sure you are, you live in Kalkaska.
The principal at our high school in Wisconsin
has slept with multiple faculty members
and even had a pregnancy scare with one of them.
And no, I'm not talking about his wife,
who is also a faculty member at the same high school.
All right you little snitch, you mind your own
God damn business.
And let adults do what adults do.
Tell Travel Magazine to stop naming
Charleston the number one city in the country.
It's driving all the Ohioans here.
You'd have to live in Ohio your entire life to believe
Charleston is the number one city anywhere.
What is this, Beverly Hills?
No, this is Charleston, South Carolina.
This looks just like Malibu. No, Charleston.
Is this South Beach Miami? No, no, it's Charleston.
Is this New York City? Oh, look at all this energy.
No, it's Charleston, South Carolina.
Hey, is this the windy city, it was such great food.
No, no, you're in Charleston. Charleston, South Carolina.
How many other ... Austin, is this Austin?
So much culture, so much good music.
No, no, this is Charleston, South Carolina.
You can tell because we still have
one of our old slave auction blocks.
I don't think I'm far off.
Vandalia, Ohio.
There are no sidewalks connected to the middle school for kids.
Well, it's probably for the best,
we can stand to have a few less middle schoolers.
Same sex couples can't go to prom together.
Commerce, Oklahoma.
You guys got one of those boring ass cis proms?
You should at least be allowed to use the back door.
You get it?
Sherwin Williams has dumped toxic waste
from their paint in Gibbsboro, New Jersey,
and now it's causing a lot of health issues for the residents.
It's classified as a cancer cluster
and the residents have mental health issues.
The land, water, and air are toxic.
This sounds like it might be more of a Netflix docu-series
kind of problem.
We need a damn Popeyes Chicken in Stillwater, Oklahoma.
Do the Lord's work, Daniel,
bring me some of that finger licking goodness.
Okay, first of all, finger licking goodness is KFC,
you confused Okie.
I live in Maplewood, Minnesota,
and it's shaped like a bunch of cities were glued together.
It sure is, I am all for re-drawing all city lines
until everything looks like a perfect square.
Hashtag squarey-mandering.
Our neighborhood has a sewer problem in Orange, Texas.
It's the Nottingham neighborhood off of highway 87.
The slightest rain and nobody can flush.
Help us fix this please.
You sure it's not all those husky brisket
dumps you guys are famous for?
Warwick, Pennsylvania. Our school district
still doesn't offer full-day kindergarten
but somehow expects children
to walk into first grade being able to read.
It forces working parents to have to pay for private daycare.
Most of other surrounding districts
already offer full day kindergarten.
Okay, let me tell you something.
How dare they make you spend more time
with your shitty, illiterate children.
Who needs kindergarten in Pennsylvania, anyway.
You're just gonna end up working in a coal mine.
Kalamazoo, Michigan.
Pair of shitty panties, water bottle,
and a pack o Newports
on the corner of our busiest road, been there for weeks.
You sure it's not a roadside memorial for some light lizard.
Pay your respects just to be safe, then pick it up.
Sometimes, my fish tacos aren't hot enough.
Honolulu, Hawaii.
Well, mahalo for your patience, Hawaii.
Go outside, hold it over your lava for 30 seconds.
You'll have all the heat you can handle.
Twitter has ruined America.