Have you ever wondered if a narcissist actually apologizes?
And if so, if they actually mean it?
By the end of this video, you're going to know all about those narcissistic apologies.
Hi, I'm Rebecca Zung, top 1% attorney and the bestselling author of the books Negotiate
Like you Matter and Breaking Free: A Step by Step Divorce Guide.
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So let's talk about that narcissistic apology.
Do narcissists actually apologize?
And if so, do they actually mean it?
So let's talk about what's going on with a narcissist so that you can understand if they
do apologize, what's actually going on with their apology.
So remember that a narcissist has no inner sense of value.
As I've said in many of my other videos, they're like the hollow chocolate Easter bunny.
They look nice on the outside, but there's nothing going on in the inside and especially
covert narcissists, and if you haven't learned much about covert narcissists, you're going
to want to check out some of my videos like covert narcissists in relationships and the
covert passive aggressive narcissist.
But the covert narcissist especially is really great at making themselves look wonderful
on the outside, but they have no inner sense of value.
No narcissists do.
And so they try to make themselves look as good as possible, but they also are sucking
supply from everybody around them.
And what supply is, what narcissistic supply is, is yes, it's money, compliments, adulation,
respect, all those good, nice things.
But supply also has a dark underbelly.
Supply is also the nasty things, the bad things that narcissists do, the devaluing, the degrading,
the debasing, the treating you poorly, the controlling you, try to gaslight you, manipulate
you, lie to you.
That's all stuff that comes back to giving the narcissist supply as well, because it
feeds their ego.
Their ego needs an endless amount of supply.
It's their food, it's their oxygen, it's what they live on.
They honestly feel like they're constantly in a state of survival.
And if they give away anything, then they're actually giving away a part of themselves.
They actually feel like they're exposing themselves in some way that they're actually the scared
little children inside that something happened to them as children where they started to
believe that the world was a bad place.
And that the only way that they would actually survive is just all for themselves.
They're just really not fully formed.
They're still toddlers that are inside that just really believe that in order to live
and survive, they have to try to get as much as possible.
And they can't give anything away because somehow if they do, it means that they don't
survive.
And it sounds really, really dramatic, but it's really true.
They're really just after that one thing, the only thing that they can focus on.
You kind of have to think of it as like if you have a really, really bad toothache, and
I don't know if you've ever had a really bad toothache, you know, it's like all you can
think about is the pain of that toothache.
And if somebody is trying to say something to you or ask you for something, you kind
of hear it and you sort of see it and you sort of know what's happening, but all you
can think about is that pain that's going on in your mouth right at that moment.
And that's what's actually happening with narcissists.
They don't have the ability to think about your pain or what's going on with you because
they're just only focused on feeding their own pain and taking care of that.
So that's why they just look for this endless amount of supply.
So when it comes to apologizing, you have to remember that to apologize, you have to
have a certain amount of feeling about yourself that you are a valuable human being regardless
of whether or not you're wrong or whether or not you are hurting somebody else.
You have to be able to be whole enough inside and healthy enough inside to understand that
if you apologize to a person or you say sorry for hurting them, or that you did something
wrong, whether you screwed up in something, that doesn't mean that you are taking away
from your survival in some way.
And so that's why most narcissists don't apologize.
They have a really hard time taking away from themselves because somehow it means that they're
being exposed as not being perfect, that they're being exposed as being less than amazing in
some way.
And they just cannot bring themselves to do that.
So you normally don't see an apology from a narcissist and that's exactly why.
Covert narcissists sometimes apologize, but do they actually mean it?
And here's where you come down to do they actually mean it.
Narcissists often use apologies as a method of manipulation.
Go figure.
So sometimes they think, "Okay, maybe I have to apologize just to get them to do what I
want, just to get them back under my purview of control, get them back into my web."
So they'll say what they need to say.
Because remember, narcissists are great at love bombing, and that's what they're doing
in the love bomb stage.
They're trying to get people to be under their web of control.
And if you want to know more about love bombing, make sure you check out my video on love bombing.
If that's what you're dealing with, then saying they're sorry is something that they are only
going to use as a means of manipulation.
So do they actually mean it?
No, and if this is sounding familiar to you, give me, "I've seen it," in the comments.
If the narcissist apologizes, it's really only because it's holding them back from getting
what they want in some way.
Maybe it's you continuing to give them the supply source they want, maybe it's something
else that they want.
Maybe it's a promotion in a job or something like that, but they're only going to use that
apology as a means of manipulation or as a means of getting what they want, they need
to get that supply back somehow.
So they'll say what they need to say, but then down the road, if it doesn't behoove
them to stick to whatever it is that they promised that they would do during that apology,
you'll see that they're not continuing to do that.
They just said what they needed to say in order to get you to do what they wanted to
do or not to do what you said you were going to do, or if you were threatening to leave
them, they might apologize just to get you back.
That sort of thing.
A narcissists apology might also be what we call a pho apology, which is like, "I'm sorry
that you feel that way.
I'm sorry that you took it that way," something like that, where it doesn't really feel like
an apology or they might say, "I understand that you wanted an apology, so I'm sorry."
Or it might be like a manipulative apology, "I'm sorry.
I guess I'm just a horrible person.
Everything about me is awful."
Something like that.
So again, that doesn't really feel like a sincere apology.
If you are getting a narcissistic apology, it might come in one of four ways.
Number one, that they are truly, sorry.
Well the real thing that's going on is that they're not truly sorry and you're going to
see that right away down the road.
They are managing your relationship and their own appearance to others.
Number two is that they say they won't do it again.
And then reality is that they're going to end up doing it again over and over and over
again.
Number three, they'll say that what they did was wrong.
But in reality, what you're going to see is they're going to do whatever that was again.
And they believe that they're above the law or above the relationship or invincible in
some way.
So they'll just ignore whatever that was.
Number four, they'll say things will get better, and in the long run in reality, what you'll
see is things stay exactly the same.
So what you will see in these relationships is you will maybe see an apology.
Some narcissists can't even bring themselves to apologize at all.
Others may apologize, but if they do, it's just a manipulation.
And so you will know as time goes on if they actually meant it, you'll be able to feel
it, you'll be able to tell because their behavior won't change.
So if you are seeing this and you are dealing with a narcissist, understand that they will
not change, there's nothing you can do to rehabilitate them.
So definitely try to start planning your exit and getting out of that relationship.
So if you are dealing with a narcissist, I send you light and I send you strength and
I send you peace.
And if you're getting ready to negotiate with the narcissist, make sure you download my
free Crush My Negotiation prep worksheet.
It's basically an ebook and it's totally free.
You just can grab it from the link below, or you can go to winmynegotiation.com and
grab that as well.
And if you're dealing with a narcissist and you want to connect with others who are dealing
with narcissists, you can join my free private Facebook group, which is called Narcissist
Negotiators with Rebecca Zung, and I will drop a link to that below as well.
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