[Dramatic Music Plays]
[Barbara plays the cat keyboard]
♫♪ Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow♫♪
Y-yeah, thanks for helping me out with this, man. Beards are not all sunshine and roses.
Yeah, well ya know, it does look really nice. I gotta say.
[pleased] Yeah, it does. Yeah, it does.
Hey, uh, you think, uh, you think maybe I could get one of those oneday?
No, no, no.
You know, with time. And stuff.
No.
[dejected] Cool...
Michael: Can we talk about this later?
Later when? Like after you die and your will leaves me with, let's see - $57.81 in GameStop store credit?
Lindsay, it's $57.81 now, but imagine what that'll be with investments and shit.
...At least you have good Life Insurance.
[pleased] Nice.
[Glass Breaking]
Chris, you are aware this is a formal party, correct?
Yeah, th-that's why I wore a tie.
Yeah, but you wore a Hobbit outfit around that tie.
So? Some people think I look handsome in it.
Goddamn it, Chris. You pulled the same shit at my Quinceañera.
You're just tripping all over the place with those stupid Hobbit feet on.
Why don't you go wander in front of a herd of oliphaunts and get trampled to death?
I'm sure you'd love that wh-when one of your best friends is dead.
You're right, I'll feel good.
I mean, Gus, you know, "not all who wander are lost"?
- Tolkien?
"Not all who work here are fucking nerds." - Sorola.
[mumbled] Well, Sorola didn't write an epic trilogy...
Ryan.
Gavin.
Ryan.
What the Fuck?!
Burnie, you said no plus-ones....I wanted to bring my Nana.
Gavin! I told you no plus-ones.
Do clones count as plus-ones?
We could compromise. Say they're...three fifths of a person...maybe?
Wow, solid racist. Gavin, stop bringing one and one-fifths more people to this party than you're supposed to.
[together] Sorry.
[whispered] I swear, sometimes I could just murder you all.
[Loud Throat Clearing]
[Not-So-Loud Throat Clearing]
Oh, speech!
Speech. Here you go, man. Have a good speech.
Oh, thank you.
Maestro?
♫♪ Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow♫♪
Goddammit, Barb, that mean stop!
♫♪ MeowMeowMeowMeowMeowMeowMeowMeow♫♪
[Cat Music Stops]
I have a special announcement. If everyone would please look under their seats, you'll all find an envelope.
Aw, sweet, Oprah car.
Aw, Burnie, are we getting bonuses?
Hahaha, absolutely not.
Michael, what the hell is this?
That's right! Look upon your sins.
Uh, this is actually just a picture of dicks...
Oh, that's where that went.
Shit, I knew I had one extra.
Miles: Thank you.
You've all got blood on your hands. And now you're all going to pay.
This is just more dick doodles. I don't....
Oh, that's a companion piece.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
That's not fair! Baby Gus was an accident! The fork slipped, the Judge acquitted me. You're not allowed to talk about that!
Yeah, and Shannon died for Science. That's like one of the top three or four ways to die.
I don't care why you did it!
The point is, that I'm gonna get filthy fucking rich from turning all you assholes in.
So fuck you.
And fuck you.
And fuck you!
And fuck all of you.
Hey, why don't you go suck a dick?
Why don't you suck two dicks?!
No, you! But FIVE dicks!
You're sucking eight dicks from every direction just like an omni-directional dick suck fest!
O-KAY, we get it! Can you guys stop trying to one-up each other on the dick sucking quotas?
Why don't we just all agree as adults that we all suck a lot of dicks. And we Love it.
I like the taste.
I'll suck them.
Yeah, okay. I like it. Obviously.
Alright, Michael, what's to stop us from just killing you and then burning the body?
First of all, Ryan, I have this.
[Shocked Exclamations]
And second of all, while all of you have killed - only one of you is guilty of cold. blooded. murder.
And if that person tries to kill me -
[Choked Coughing]
If they -
[Choked Coughing]
If they try to -
[Choking]
We can't understand you. Stop choking so we can understand you.
[Choking Intensifies]
Michael, my boi!
Micheal, stop drop and roll!
My boi! Michael, no!
[choked rasp] Ugh, Gavin.
Oh no! Get the gun away from you, no not me either! Michael!
[British Sound of Concern]
He's properly dead! Gus, you killed him!
What?! No!
Well, you gave him the drink!
Yeah, but look.
There's beard hairs in this. The only person it could have been is Gilby!
Hey! I don't need your beard profiling, man! It's hard enough that I can't be a professional swimmer.
And if I was the murderer, I wouldn't go rubbing my beard all over the murder glass.
Burnie: Wouldn't you!?
I wouldn't.
[group mumblings] Okay, well, yeah, that was the right answer.
Barbara: Uh, why don't we get the hell out of here?
Shit-tits, dude. We're trapped. We're trapped with the killer!
Hey, what is this? Ten Little Roosters?!
Gus, what did I tell you about hanging your poetry on the walls? Nobody gives a crap about your inner goddess!
Hey! I'm a beautiful budding flower, asshole! And, that's not mine.
What?
Uh oh. This looks like some kind of ominous omen for the rest of the evening.
Ten little roosters all gathered to dine.
One choked on his rage and then there were nine.
Nine little roosters now running from fate.
One tripped over themselves and then there were eight.
Eight little roosters, two others in heaven.
One was martyred and then there were seven.
Seven little roosters, one liked to draw dicks.
Aw, sweet, final six!
Goddammit, Barb! Shut up! You keep messing me up.
Life imitated art and then there were six.
Six little roosters, often streamed live.
One died to scale and then there were five.
This is crap. There's no way it's going to be the people you keep showing.
That would just be too easy, wouldn't it?
Well, unless we thought of - UNLESS WE THOUGHT OF THAT FIRST!
That'd be mental.
Five little roosters, one trapped in the floor.
One ran out of air and then there were four.
Four little roosters still trying to flee.
One got what they wanted and then there were three.
Three little roosters, one died of a pun.
The killer was killed, and then - there was one.
Hey, why were you on me for that killer line?
You do keep farm animals in holes for fun...
Yeah, this order doesn't make any sense. Everybody knows Lindsay's gonna be the first one to die.
Hey!
Sorry, second. The second one to die. Forgot about the husband.
At least you're single!
How do we even know there is a killer?
Lindsay: Whoever this is has a real God Complex.
Chris: Guys!
My sword only glows when there's evil nearby so, one of us IS the killer.
Man, I don't have time for this. I need to go back to work.
No! No one's going anywhere until we find the killer!
Yeah, Barb's right.
Hey, guys, guys look! Look! My sword stopped glowing when I stepped away from everyone, okay? So.
Okay, obviously I'm NOT the killer, but one of you guys is so everyone walk forward one at a time
and when the sword glows, we know who the killer is and, you know, I'll give 'em a stab...
Yeah, no, that's good. I like this. This is a good plan, yeah! I'm on board with team Chris. I say we go for it.
Okay, Miles, you come forward.
Wait, wha, me?
I don't know, you're closest and we're like, best friends.
We Talked about getting lunch Once.
Well, I-I'm only gonna stab you if the sword glows.
Miles: Only if it glows.
Chris: Or-
I'm sorry, what?
I said I'm only going to stab you if the sword glows.
Okay.
Chris: Or-
Mm. See, you did it again. Did you hear that? He did it again.
You said 'I will only stab you if it glows or'.
I didn't say or.
Yeah, but you did, though. I heard you say 'only if it glows or'.
No, I was saying -
Okay, just don't say 'or'. Just say you're going to stab me if it glows.
Chirs: Or.
I'm just going to stop, at this point. Just to get past the bullshit. Alright. Okay. Goddammit.
Chris: One, two, three, four.
[People Screaming]
Are you frightened?
Yes.
Not nearly frightened enough. I know what hunts you.
Stop talking to yourself, Chris. That's why no one likes you. If you stopped talking to yourself then people might like you.