-Welcome back to "Late Night."
A lot of stories come across my desk that I have absolutely
no interest in addressing --
meaningless headlines in a sea of important news.
But one of my writers thinks that shouldn't stop you from
having to listen to them, and I guess sometimes,
we just need a distraction, so here's a new segment
called "Stories Only Dina Deems Important."
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Seth, I'm going to get right into it.
No time for pleasantries.
I was scrolling through my curated newsfeed
and came across this article.
"Cockroach sex has taken a strange turn."
Now, you may have bristled at that headline
or just read something else, but get this.
When a male cockroach wants to mate with a female cockroach,
he will scoot his butt toward her, open his wings,
and offer her a homemade meal.
[ Light laughter ]
The meal he makes for her is made of
the two best ingredients -- a mix of sugars and fats.
And as the female cockroach nibbles her meal,
the male locks on to her with one penis
while another penis delivers a sperm package.
[ Laughter ]
Seth?
-What? No!
[ Laughter ]
Don't "Seth" me. I don't want to be a part of this.
I didn't want to be a part of it before, and now that I know
what it's about, definitely no.
-Fine, let's just recap here.
Before the male cockroach even approaches the woman,
he makes her dinner.
He cooks for her.
Then the male roach offers up, not one, but two penises.
[ Laughter ]
And if everything goes smoothly, guess how long he can go?
-I couldn't tell you.
It has never even crossed my mind.
-Around 90 minutes.
[ Audience ohs ]
Yeah. You know what lasts 90 minutes in bed with a human man?
-I don't.
-Neither do I!
[ Laughter ]
Seth, look at this video.
Look how tenderly and sweetly the male cockroach
treats the woman.
[ Laughter ]
This is my favorite part.
[ Laughter ]
True intimacy.
-Dina, we get it.
But, like, what's the problem or, like, the point here?
-Well, because of the pesticides we humans use,
many female cockroaches have lost their taste
for the sweet stuff the males make,
and that could change how they mate and multiply.
-Yeah, but wouldn't that be a good thing for us?
Less roaches?
-You're missing the point, Seth.
If the female cockroach doesn't pick up what the male cockroach
puts down, she's not sticking around.
She's out.
No couples therapy, no writing sappy letters
or texts to each other.
No one hovering, checking in from time to time
with an obscure picture of that trip you both took
to the Berkshires and got so buzzed you forgot
where you parked the car.
She doesn't have time for that.
If the female cockroach isn't getting exactly what she wants,
she is done.
For good.
Seth?
-Was that a question or a cry for help?
Dina, what are you trying to tell --
-Ladies!
Ladies, ladies, ladies.
We have to be more like these female cockroaches.
If he's not giving you exactly what you want,
you need to let him go.
Maybe --
[ Cheers and applause ]
Look, maybe if we were treated like female cockroaches
and got what we deserved, we'd live forever, too.
So next time you see a roach in your studio apartment
above Penn Station, don't scream.
Just take a moment to think,
"Maybe we can learn to be more like them."
Knowing your worth means getting what you want.
No bull [bleep].
Just like the female cockroach.
Now, Seth?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Now back to you, Seth -- for real this time.
-All right, well, Dina -- wait, did you say this story
came across your curated newsfeed?
-I'm Dina, and yes, these are the stories I deem important!
Tune in next week when I break down why vegan shellfish
live a long, fulfilling life.
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]