Hello and welcome back. This is the first video out of six videos I'm about to
post on social anxiety, and I want to be discussing a bunch of topics such as:
social anxiety versus shyness versus introversion, a list of all the social
situations that might cause anxiety, what therapy might look like, a model of how
anxiety... social anxiety works - something that a therapist might create during
a therapy session, ways to cope with social anxiety, and how therapy changed me,
not just in regards to social anxiety, but also as a human being in general
and the way I deal with people and relationships. As always, I need to stress
that I'm not a therapist, I'm not a psychiatrist, all of this is based on my
own experience as someone who has been struggling with social anxiety for
the past 15 years, at least... I think. And yeah I went to about 50 therapy sessions so...
all of this is based on my experience and on my research. So please, don't ask
me to do something similar about a different mental disorder, because, as
I've said many times before, I do not suffer from any other mental disorder
than social anxiety, so I simply cannot speak about something I don't really
know in detail, because I have not experienced it. I want this series to be
helpful, there will be a lot to learn, but I really wouldn't want this to be
a replacement to therapy. I would really prefer if you actually went to
a specialist and, you know, got properly diagnosed. Okay, so now that we've got
the housekeeping out of the way, we can finally move on.
Social anxiety, shyness and introversion. If I was to put these on a spectrum, then here would be someone
who experiences no to very mild anxiety or shyness.
Here is someone who experiences shyness, and here would be someone who suffers
from social anxiety. But you have to remember that it's still a spectrum, so the
severity of anxiety might vary. Introversion is completely someplace
else and it's different than all of the above, but all of these definitely may mix,
Most of the time, people with social anxiety are both introverts and consider
themselves shy. However, there are some exceptions, so you could have someone who
considers himself to be an extrovert, but he or she would have
social anxiety. And you could also have someone who suffers from social anxiety,
but does not consider him or herself shy. I know that both of these sound
counter-intuitive, but these actually happen a lot more often than you might think.
And now, I want to go into detail about the differences between social
anxiety, shyness and introversion. The first difference is that social anxiety
results in a highly impaired quality of life, while shyness doesn't really affect you
that much. When you are just shy, you might experience some anxiety from time to time,
but it'll never stop you from engaging in various activities.
Social anxiety will. As an example: I got an opportunity
to work on a short film abroad. So basically... you know... nice script, a well
paid job, a dream come true, but I instantly said no because of my social anxiety.
One - I was terrified of working on a real film set with professionals
watching me and two - I was terrified of having to use English. So to sum up:
even if it's a dream come true, social anxiety will stop you from doing
it because you will be terrified of all the ways things might go wrong.
Another example: I really wanted to try exercising at the gym, but I've avoided it for many, many years.
And yeah, basically... I was just... I think I was just scared I would
make an idiot out of myself, I wouldn't know how to use equipment and so on.
And only after a... year of therapy and with the help of a personal trainer, I finally
found the courage to go. And the last example: with social anxiety you will not
go out on a date with someone you fancy, even if they are the ones who asked you out,
so you know that they actually wanna go out with you. And with shyness,
you might be a little bit nervous beforehand, but all in all, you will be very excited
to go out with your crush and have some fun. These are just a few examples.
People with severe social anxiety might actually avoid all social situations.
So again, to sum up: with social anxiety you won't just feel anxious in various situations,
but you will avoid them altogether or endure them with intense distress.
Difference number two: the anxiety you feel with shyness usually goes away
after you expose yourself a couple of times to a specific situation, a stressor
or if you get used to someone. With social phobia, anxiety persists even
if you are continuously exposed to a feared social situation. Difference number three:
social anxiety gives you a lot more physical symptoms than shyness does, so:
all the sweating, all the blushing, feeling lightheaded, a blank mind, tremors,
shaking, heart rate going up, thoughts racing, and so on and so on. With shyness,
you might blush a little bit, you might have a mild stomachache, but you generally
won't have any difficulties with forming and releasing thoughts.
Difference number four: shyness happens occasionally and social anxiety is an everyday struggle.
Difference number five shy people are generally not that scared o f makinga mistake.
They are simply a little bit self-conscious and... you know... They are just worried about what others might think of them.
Social anxiety on the other hand is caused by a very specific set of underlying issues.
People with social anxiety are terrified of any form of judgment. They are terrified of making
a mistake, so they have to be perfect all the time. If they do something wrong, they
assume that people will just remember it for eternity and laugh until they die.
They are scared of eating in public places, they are scared of typing
in front of someone. So basically, the difference here... The other difference
here is that while shyness is generally... Generally only happens when you have to
have a conversation with someone, social anxiety can occur even if you
don't really have to interact with anyone. Difference number six:
people social anxiety overanalyze everything they do. They overanalyze what might
happen before a social event and they overanalyze what happened during
the event after it ends. So basically, they will start thinking about every single
word that left their mouths. They might sometimes spend a whole night thinking
about what they could have said differently in a conversation... during
a conversation that took place three years ago. And shy people don't usually do this.
Shyness is more of a "in the moment" thing. And difference number seven, so the last thing
that comes to mind is probably the amount of planning a socially anxious
human does. So... I would plan... I used to plan everything. I would plan how
a simple conversation might go at a restaurant. All the different ways...
All the different things that the waiter might ask me. I planned what to say,
planned where to go... And if I had to make a phone call, if I really had to make
phone call, I would write everything I wanted to say down, in full sentences,
which is insane, I know. But there's more: when something did not go according to plan,
and someone would ask me a question I was not prepared for I would fully panic,
and I just didn't know what to say. With shyness you might get a little bit
nervous before an upcoming event, but you won't plan it with such detail.
You'll just head out and tackle things as you go, and even if you do plan, with shyness
all of the planning will help reduce the anxiety. And with social anxiety,
no matter how much you plan, no matter how detailed a conversation might be in your head, it does not reduce the anxiety.
Now moving on to social anxiety versus introversion.
And to explain the differences here I will use the party example.
If you're just an introvert, you choose to stay at home at a smaller
party with your friends, because that's a preference, you're not scared of judgment.
If you have social anxiety, you might not necessarily be an introvert, but you will
still choose the smaller, home party, surrounded by your friends, because you
will be scared of judgment and it's not really a preference. And again, if you're
just an introvert, you will choose to leave a party, because you WANT TO leave it,
because you're tired of human interaction, and you need to go home and refuel.
Now, when you're socially anxious, you will choose to leave the party,
because you're terrified you're scared of human interaction, not just tired of it.
With introversion, you often don't speak in front of others,
because - again - it's a preference. You would rather sit back and
just listen and chill. But if you actually want to join the convo, nothing
will stop you from doing it. With social anxiety, you never speak up, because
the fear of saying something stupid holds you back.
To sum up, with introversion you don't really have any negative thought
patterns. There is no overthinking. And with social anxiety, there are plenty of those.
Introversion is a character trait. It's something you're born with.
Social anxiety on the other hand, is made. It's made through upbringing, through
traumatic events, through cognitive distortions and very often through
a life of avoidance where you avoid social situations, you don't really put yourself
out there... And the social anxiety monster seems to be a little bit scarier
than it actually is... Because you have no experience in tackling social situations.
To end this video I want to describe what's it like to be a shy, socially
anxious introvert. A deadly mix... Because I feel like not many people understand how we work.
These people never talk first. They don't talk much. Even with their friends,
when they don't get a reply, they instantly judge themselves and they
instantly back out, because they don't want to be a burden. Yes, even to
their friends. They generally prefer to listen and they get tired when they are
around people for too long. They enjoy being alone, but as I've said before,
alone can turn into lonely pretty fast. On the other hand, if they truly feel
comfortable around someone, they will open up, but only to a certain extent.
Because... unfortunately, it turns out that most people don't really listen.
They just wait for their turn to speak so they don't
really see the point of sharing anything, because the conversation would be one-sided anyway.
They let people in very rarely,
but when that wall finally comes down, they are totally different than what they seem at first glance.
Unfortunately, they usually come off as quiet, rude or uninterested,
but that's not who they really are. They wear all the good stuff
on the inside and it takes a lot of time to open up to someone. And most times,
in the end, they never fully do, because not many people have the patience to fight
through the initial apparent coldness. Which is sad, by the way, because socially
anxious introverts lead incredibly rich and interesting inner lives and
the world is missing out on all that honey, since it's not well-suited for those who bloom slow.
So yeah, that's it for today's video. I'm pretty sure I didn't really
cover the whole topic, so if there's anything you like to add, feel free to do
it in the comments below... And yeah, thank you for watching. Remember you can follow
me on Instagram. And I will see you in my next video. Bye!