(energetic music)
- Thank you guys for coming out.
I appreciate it.
Very excited.
I tried to...
I'm always trying to lose weight and then you think,
"I'll tape a special, that will, you know, that'll do it."
And then you just kinda... next thing you know,
it's already started.
So...
(audience laughing)
I had a thing that happened that I do...
and it's like, "I gotta get it together."
(clears throat)
I like to golf.
And so, I was gonna bring clubs and I'll golf on the road.
So I was in Florida and we go golfing.
It's very hot, humid, gross.
You get kind of, feeling gross.
So I wanted to change shirts before I drove back
and I go to the trunk of my car
and I take my shirt off, standing there, no shirt.
And this old man walks up and goes, "Olivia?"
(audience laughing)
I had to turn. I was like,
"I'm sorry, what'd you just say? I'm sorry."
And he was like, "Oh, sorry, honest mistake."
And I was like, "I don't know."
He was looking for his elderly wife,
And saw me...
with no shirt on,
and thought that could be Olivia,
at a car that he does not recognize.
None of this is making him not,
he's like, "I don't know."
"That's a dead ringer for Olivia."
(audience laughing)
I don't know who he disrespected more,
me or Olivia.
To be honest, we could both have a word with him.
- I don't think I'm old.
I just know I'm not young.
That's the difference.
There is a difference.
There's usually an event
in a man's life where he just
he can't be in denial anymore.
He just has to realize, I remember when it happened to me.
I remember when I realized I wasn't a young man anymore.
Here's what happened.
I was having sex with my wife and in the middle of it,
I actually had to take a knee.
(audience laughing)
(heavy breathing)
I had to go down, man.
I had to stay down.
I stayed, I wasn't protesting anything.
I was, you know what I was doing?
I was running the clock out on my wife.
(audience laughing)
This is the hard part.
(Ray grunts)
And I, by the way, I'm not bragging.
It's not like we were doing a lot.
It's not like we were working up a sweat.
- There was one big change.
I will give 50 this.
The one big change for me was all of a sudden,
my breakfast cereal became deadly serious.
Like over night.
I remember recently my breakfast cereal was fun.
The boxes were bright and there were words
like sugar and power and crisp in the name.
And then there was like an animal mascot screaming
next to a bowl, full of colors, insulting to nature.
Nothing in the visual spectrum,
went into my body in my twenties and thirties.
And you turn the box over and the fun didn't stop.
You turn the box over.
And there was a word find or a maze.
A maze helped sugar bat get to his insulin.
And now,
(audience laughing and clapping)
All of...
- All of my breakfast cereal.
First off, the box is white.
Hospital white.
And there's a beige bowl.
A color of beige.
I like to call, bargaining beige.
Like how many bowls of this do I have to eat,
so I can have one cool ranch Doritos at three o'clock today?
That many?
And inside the beige bowl, brown cereal.
Not chocolatey brown.
Not fudge brown.
As brown as the dirt in the grave that awaits you.
(audience laughing and clapping)
And there's no sugar or power crisp in the name.
The name is very serious.
Sorghum Farms.
Sorghum Farms, Amaranth Flakes.
(audience laughing)
And you turn the box over.
Is there a word find?
Is there a maze?
No.
But there is a short novel about
that hippie organic cult farm,
where they're growing my amaranth flakes
paragraph after paragraph
of everything you never wanted to know about Sorghum Farms.
- My mom was a girly girl,
and she wanted me to dress more feminine.
So she started shopping for me.
And for whatever reason, she started putting me
in these power suits.
(audience laughing)
Like a pants suit, which is just an older version of gay.
(audience laughing)
I looked like a 50-year-old woman lawyer
just going to court in my power suit.
Like, who's ready to litigate, ladies?
(audience laughing)
Even my teachers would ask,
"Did you win your case?"
(audience laughing)
And this was a time in fashion history
when shoulder pads were all the rage.
Giant shoulder pads.
Which is still something I don't understand to this day.
Were people just like,
"Oh, your shoulders hadn't come in yet."
"Let's get you some pads."
(audience laughing)
Like, was this the ideal shoulder height?
(audience laughing and clapping)
Oh, yes. Now you are a woman!
In Europe, power suits.
And if I wasn't in these powers suits,
my mom would shop at Lane Bryant.
(audience laughing)
She put me in these really long dresses
with doily bibs and floral prints.
I looked like a sister wife.
(audience laughing)
I looked like a 13-year-old sister wife,
just going to the Chili's by my husband, Jebidiah.
(audience laughing)
That was me, a corporate attorney by day.
Child bride by night.
(audience laughing and clapping)
- I recently bought the Zumba DVDs.
Now there's a Zumba DVD set that comes with maracas.
Like the little weights, right?
So that you can keep the beat along with them.
You know,
(making maracas sounds)
Other days, you guys.
I popped it in.
Oh, wish you had been there around.
I was killing it, you guys.
(making maracas sounds)
I was like sweating.
I was like,
"Oh my God, It must've been 20 minutes."
Four minutes.
(audience laughing)
Four minutes.
Four.
Quatro.
(audience laughing)
I got tired.
I go into the kitchen and get a glass of water.
There was a bag of popcorn right next to it.
And I was like,
"Oh my God. I look so good."
So I popped the bag of popcorn.
And I go back into the living room with my popcorn
and my water.
And the DVD's playing.
And I'm like,
"Oh my God, I'm working out."
(audience laughing)
So what do I do?
I sit down and I watched the DVD like it's a movie!
(audience laughing)
I love Zumba.
(audience laughing)
- Speaking of weight.
I actually lost a decent amount of weight recently
I was...
(audience cheering)
That's right.
I was in a weight loss contest
with the fattest man on earth.
And... (audience laughing)
Yes. You may have seen him.
His name is Brent Crystals.
(audience laughing)
I beat him in this contest because I'm a better person.
But that's not what I wanna talk about.
I lost about 50 pounds and you know,
maybe you're out there right now.
And you're thinking like,
"Hey man, if you can do that, I can do that."
Probably not.
I mean, look what I'm doing right now.
Can you do this?
I fucking don't think so.
I'm just an awesome guy, but...
(audience laughing and clapping)
You know it sucks when you lose weight on a public platform.
Like, you get all these messages?
I get so many messages.
People are like,
"You inspired me."
And I'm like,
"Oh, I didn't mean to."
(audience laughing)
People ask me like,
"Will you coach me into weight loss?"
And I'm like,
"Absolutely not."
(audience laughing)
I hit me up like 50 times.
"Please give me a message to get this thing kick started."
And I was like, I'll give you a message.
When you look in the mirror, do you say,
"I fucking hate you"?
Then you're not ready.
Cry more and eat less.
Send.
That's my message.
You asked me.
- But the way it has to happen,
the way it happens to exercise really is like,
you have to be seized by the need to do it in a moment.
Like, this spirit has to move.
You just sort of like,
"I gotta go, I gotta do it now!"
And you do have to do it right then.
Cause that's your portal.
That's your window back into doing it.
You've gotta do it when that hits you.
And it hit me.
It was 2:30 in the afternoon,
and it was 102 degrees outside.
Now I didn't, I hadn't run in like two years.
I didn't let that stop me.
I'm like,
"I can do it."
"I can run."
So I put on my magic shoes,
and I grabbed my driver's license for easy tagging.
I don't know about you but,
I always take the driver's license.
I got my iPhone.
I'll get outside.
If I go shit, I get the license.
If I go down, cause they're not gonna crack an iPhone
for a terrorist cell.
They're not gonna do it for a mid-level celebrity
dead on a hill.
(audience laughing and clapping)
Better take the driver's license.
So I'm out there running the hills.
I'm doing the hills.
I've been out there.
I don't even notice how hot it really is
'cause it's so hot.
Like these sweats, not even building up.
I get about 10 minutes in,
and all of a sudden, my hands go numb.
I'm like,
"What's happening."
And then all of a sudden can't feel my arms.
And I'm like,
"This isn't good."
And then my heart starts going,
(beat boxing)
And I'm like,
"Holy shit."
I had to take a knee.
I had to take a knee outdoors.
And appeal to a God that I don't have,
(audience laughing)
and say,
"This doesn't happen here."
"This doesn't happen outside."
"It's an indoor thing, and it's quick."
"Not outside."
"In a bathtub, in my sleep, something like that."
"Not out here."
- See, what had happened was,
(audience laughing)
I had stopped smoking cigarettes like 10 months ago.
(audience cheering)
Thank you.
I stopped smoking cigarettes,
And I started to eat.
(audience laughing)
My inheritance started to kick in.
You know how most people they get houses,
cars, things like that.
Well, you know, my inheritance was dead DNA.
I inherited this ass.
(audience laughing)
I don't lie to you, I like my inheritance a lot.
(audience cheering)
What a [indistinct]
(audience continues to cheer)
But I knew that,
it think it's getting a little out of control.
When I walk around the house with no panties on.
And I will hear a round of applause.
I will hear claps.
I'm like,
"Who is clapping in here?"
"Who is, who is clapping in here?"
It was my ass.
(audience cheering) It was my ass.
You know what's crazy is,
Ms. Tina Knowles-Lawson.
Beyonce mama.
She had invited me.
I had got invited to her birthday party.
But she didn't invite me.
Somebody else had.
They didn't know I was gonna be there.
So what happened was-
(audience laughing)
I was at the birthday party.
And Beyonce had came in, and her suit was banging.
I was like,
"Oh my God, this suit is amazing."
She said the suit was from Christian Siriano.
I was like,
"Christian Siriano made that suit?"
"Oh, I know Christian Siriano."
"I'm gonna ask him to make me a suit too."
She's like, okay.
So then-
(audience laughing)
When he sent me the suit,
he gave it to me fresh off the runway.
It was just, it couldn't even pull up on my thighs
or nothing, it didn't fit.
So I was like kind of devastated.
So then I thought to myself,
"Let me call Beyonce mama, just take a shot in the dark."
"See if she'll let me borrow this."
All right, so I called Beyonce mama, I say,
"Hey, Ms. Tina. How you doing?"
"You know that suit Beyonce was wearing?"
"That night at the party?"
"Do you think that Beyonce would let me borrow it?"
She was like,
"You know what's crazy?"
"She was talking about gifting that to you."
"But I don't know if you're gonna be able to fit it."
"You know, Beyonce had three kids and you didn't have none."
I was like,
(audience laughing)
"Well..."
"We'll see."
(audience laughing)
We'll see.
Girl, I [indistinct]. Don't worry about that.
- 'Cause you know,
if you're in a happy, healthy relationship,
And you've got a healthy sex life, at some point,
one of you will turn to the other and go,
"We should record ourselves."
(audience laughing)
"You know, while we're..."
(tongue clicks)
And you will.
If you're going,
"We'll never do that."
Your partner's probably already doing it.
(audience laughing)
You might as well get involved.
This whole genre of porn, of you not being in porn.
So you might as well.
(audience laughing)
And then you're gonna go,
"Okay, fine."
And you're gonna take your smart phone,
and you'll prop it up somewhere in the room.
And then you go out, on hammer and tongs, right?
Like you give it your eye game.
'Cause you're now, you're recording yourself.
And then afterwards you go,
"Okay, go get it."
(audience laughing)
He rolls off you, he goes and he gets it.
Comes back and you're excited.
You're like,
(audience laughing)
"Oh, this is going to be good."
(kissing sound)
"I love you."
(audience laughing)
You hit play.
(Urzila puking)
(audience laughing)
"Why's my asshole so dark?"
(audience laughing)
"Why is it so hairy?"
(audience laughing)
It looks like a tarantula crawling out of a cave!
(audience laughing)
You look at your body at an angle
you wouldn't normally see.
Performing an activity you wouldn't normally
see reflect back in the shop front window.
(audience laughing)
You see things on your body that you wouldn't normally see.
You look at that footage it's not natural.
It's your fat, [indistinct] ass, white body plowing at pace.
(audience laughing)
Into another fat [indistinct] ass white body.
Meeting abruptly in the middle.
It doesn't even sound good.
Like in the heat of the moment, you don't hear anything.
But when it's silent and you're just staring
at your white body with an extra nipple on a little screen.
All you can hear are,
(lips puckering)
Like, "What is that noise?"
"Oh, it's your balls on my tummy."
(audience laughing)
You look at that and you go,
"Why am I fucking you?"
(audience laughing)
"Why are you fucking me?"
"Let's never do this shit again."
And then you go,
"Delete it."
(audience laughing)
And he goes,
"I will."
"No, you're fucking doing it now!"
(audience laughing)
He deletes it.
You double check, it's deleted out of the recently deleted.
That couple then take that phone together.
Walk it out to the sheet.
Take a hammer.
Smash until all there's only powder left.
Take a brush.
Into a little plastic bag.
You drive from the top of the country
to the bottom of the country.
And at every public toilet you stop,
you put some of that dust in.
(audience laughing)
And then you're flushing,
just in case some IT genius
is about to crawl out of his mother.
Put that shit back together again
and share it with the world.
We are very careful.
Job done.
(audience laughing)