- I am so happy to be here.
For those of you I don't know, it's a birthmark.
That's what it is.
It doesn't lower my self-esteem enough for me to fuck you.
(audience laughing)
Although sometimes people do stare,
and I am like, Hey buddy, eyes down here.
(audience laughing)
When I wear a mask,
my mask sits right here and covers my birthmark,
so I'm just walking around as one of you, ugh.
(audience laughing)
I meet new people while I'm wearing a mask
all the time, right?
And eventually I take my mask off
and they see my birthmark for the first time,
and every single time, the reaction is the same.
It's always exactly like
when you see a man take a his hat off
and you're like that hairline is not
where I thought it was going to be.
(audience laughing)
Well played.
I dated a guy.
Okay, I dated a guy who wanted to try roleplay in bed,
and that is difficult for me
because I have to establish my birthmark
as a part of any character that I play.
(audience laughing)
Because if I don't, here's what happens.
I start the scene and I'm like,
hi, I'm your hot nurse Chloe
and I'm here for anything you need.
And my boyfriend would be like,
Hey, nurse Chloe, say what's that on your face?
And I'd have to be like, what the hell, Jeff?
Why are you talking about this right now?
You see my birthmark every day.
And he'd be like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But in this scenario,
(audience laughing)
we don't know each other.
And I have to be like, okay, sure.
Maybe you don't realize,
most strangers never mention my birthmark, right?
Nobody's quite that forward.
And he'd be like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But in this scenario, my character doesn't have a filter.
And I'd be like,
okay then my character doesn't want to fuck you.
(audience laughing and cheering)
My character is suddenly just tired.
We disagreed on something else.
My ex still thought
that we could take each other's clothes off in bed.
That's wrong.
That's not how it works, right?
He'd be like, babe, if we do it together, it's sexy.
It's passionate.
There is nothing less sexy or passionate
than pulling my skinny jeans inside out
until they get stuck on my ankles.
(audience laughing)
I was wet, now I'm just sweaty.
Also, it can't be good for the person
doing the pulling either, right?
Now we're locked in a power struggle.
Are you gonna get your thumb under the hem?
Am I gonna point my toes?
Just let me do it myself.
(audience laughing)
Right, you don't know!
You don't know that if it's cuffed at all,
you're fucked forever.
You don't know!
Just let me do it.
My ex was still thinking like in the movies, right?
He thought that if he took my panties off,
my panties would drop perfectly to the floor.
It's beautiful, it's not real life, right?
In real life, my thong rolls down my thigh
into a little turd
that I have to kick under the bed
'cause it's not sexy to look at,
and then afterward I gotta like squink it out with my toe.
I gotta shake it so I can step back in
'cause if I'm not gonna shower,
I'm not gonna waste a pair of clean panties.
(audience laughing)
Just let me do it myself.
And let that be the only thing I have to do myself.
(audience laughing and cheering)
That was a cum joke.
And it took a little while
and it didn't happen for everybody.
(audience laughing)
And that was another.
I don't need a man to get creative in bed, right?
What do you think we're gonna fuck on the counter?
Absolutely not, it hurts my tailbone.
No, you're gonna set me down on a fork.
You see that!
You see countertop sex in movies, right?
They come and they're so passionate.
Oh, we love each other so much
we can't even make it the 12 feet
through this one bedroom apartment, sure,
have sex in the kitchen.
But that's, before it happens,
inevitably one person does a full forearm sweep
of the kitchen counter.
That was the $9 Crate and Barrel wine glass
Do not break my shit.
(audience laughing)
Also, here's okay.
Men, you've probably never been
the recipient of countertop sex.
I have a little fun fact for you.
It doesn't matter how tall you are,
your dick is not high enough.
(audience laughing)
It's not.
So I'm doing this like horrible ab workout
to get the angle right,
the edge of the counter is in my ass,
the upper cabinets are in my back.
Just take me to the bed and fuck me missionary.
It's all I want.
(audience laughing)
I don't need a man to be creative in bed,
I need him to be consistent.
One motion, one spot, do not change.
I know it is very exciting, but I need you to stay calm.
I do still fuck men.
I know it's a bad look in 2022.
(audience laughing)
Believe you me, if I could change it, I would.
But I am, I'm dating, I'm dating in New York,
and I've noticed a thing that I do in bed with men.
I try to trick the men that I'm in bed with
into thinking that I'm hotter than I am,
and I think, yeah, I think everybody does this right.
Men, when it doesn't matter,
this is why candles are still around.
We don't need candles anymore.
But I do it about one very specific part of my body
that I feel self conscious about,
and that part is my boobs.
And you can look, my boobs look great in a bra.
Out of a bra, my boobs are out of the frame.
(audience laughing)
Are we? Yeah.
Gravity takes over, right?
When I lay on my back without wearing a bra,
my boobs are on either side of my body.
I can't blame them for that.
They've spent all day together.
(audience laughing)
They need a little time apart
But I feel self conscious about how they look,
and so what that means
is that I spend a lot of time in bed with my arms crossed.
Right? 'Cause that's the scam.
So I'm in bed and I'm like,
oh no, it's just so chill in here,
and that makes me mad
Uh blow the candle out.
But I had a revelation.
It hit me finally that you can't hide what you look like
when you're naked, right?
Of course you can't.
I can't trick this man into thinking
my boobs are perkier than they are.
He's the one who just pulled one from behind my ear.
He knows, right?
He knows and he's fine with it,
and ever since then, I've been so much more confident naked.
Now I'm walking around naked all the time,
wapping my boobs around.
Look what they can do, they can turn circles,
they can clap, it's very fun.
Anything you can do with your dicks, I can do better.
(audience laughing)
A month ago, I got curious about sex toys
and I bought a dildo.
I bought a stainless steel dildo.
I went from zero to industrial.
I don't know if you've ever thought
about a stainless steel dildo,
but there are two words to describe it,
and those words are cold and heavy.
(audience laughing)
It's about the weight of the baby that I don't want
if that puts it in perspective.
And I keep it on my bed so I realize
that I have replaced a baseball bat with a sex toy.
Right?
This thing is good for G spotting
and knocking out intruders.
Can you imagine if a man broke into my home
and just found me brandishing a stainless steel dildo?
I think he'd be like, keep your TV, you have a good night.
Stay safe out there.
Look, I have never owned a gun,
but I do feel like with this by my bed,
I can now empathize with gun owners
because with this by my bed, I feel powerful,
I feel safe, and it replaces a big dick.
(audience laughing)
That's what guns are for.
And I'm treating it like a gun, I am.
I'm like, yeah, you can take this from me
when you pry it from my warm wet hands.