many people
after they've been in a couple for some
time will privately admit
that they are in many ways frustrated
and disappointed
by the person they've chosen to share
their lives with
if pressed for details they will have no
difficulty coming up with a list
their partner they might complain is too
loyal to their irritating family
or doesn't share their views on the
layout of the living room or
never wants to go on camping holidays or
plays tennis every wednesday evening no
matter what or
doesn't like moroccan food or doesn't
share their enthusiasm for 19th century
russian novels or
has a habit of adding actually to every
second sentence when it's actually
redundant
as the list gets longer they sigh they
still love their partner
and they long to be happy together it's
just that it seems impossibly
complicated
to make this relationship work what's
driving the frustration
is not that they've sadly fallen for an
idiot as a mate
it's rather that we have all inherited
needlessly complicated ideas
of what a relationship is supposed to be
for
we are told that love is meant to
involve the almost
total merger of two lives we expect that
a loving couple must
live in the same house eat the same
meals together every night
share the same bed go to sleep and get
up at the same time
only ever have sex with or even sexual
thoughts about
each other regularly see each other's
families have
all their friends in common and pretty
much think the same thoughts on every
topic
at every moment it's a beautiful vision
but a hellish one too because it places
an impossibly punitive burden of
expectation
on another human we feel the partner
must be right for us in every way
and if they're not has to be prodded and
cajoled into reform
but there is another perspective
relationships don't have to be so
complicated and ambitious
if we keep in view what in the end
actually
makes them fulfilling if we boil matters
down they might really just be
three essential things that we want
from a lover firstly kindness
a partner who is gentle with our
imperfections and can good humidly
tolerate us
as we are secondly shared
vulnerability someone with whom we can
be open about
our anxieties worries and the problems
that throw us off balance
someone we don't have to put on a good
front for someone around whom we can be
weak
vulnerable and honest and who will be
the same around
us thirdly understanding
someone who is interested in and can
make sense of
certain obscure features of our minds
our obsessions preoccupations
and ways of seeing the world and whom we
are excited to understand in turn
if we have these three critical
ingredients to hand
we will feel loved and essentially
satisfied
whatever differences then crop up in a
hundred other
areas perhaps our partners friends or
routines
won't be a delight but we will be
content
just as if we lack these emotional goods
and yet agree on every detail of
european literature
interior design and social existence we
are still likely to feel
lonely and bereft by limiting what we
expect a relationship to be about we can
overcome the tyranny
and bad temper that bedevils so many
lovers
a good simpler yet very fulfilling
relationship
could end up in a minimal state we might
not socialize much together
we might hardly ever encounter each
other's families
our finances might overlap only at a few
points
we could be living in different places
and only meet up twice a week
conceivably we might not even ask too
many questions about each other's sex
life
but when we would be together it would
be profoundly gratifying
because we would be in the presence of
someone who knew how to be kind
vulnerable and understanding a bond
between two people
can be very deep and important precisely
because it's not played out
across all practical details of
existence
by simplifying and clarifying what a
relationship is
for we release ourselves from overly
complicated conflicts
and can focus on our urgent underlying
needs
to be sympathized with seen and
understood
deciding whether to stay in or leave a
relationship
is one of the trickiest and most
consequential decisions we can face
our stay or leave card game can help us
towards an answer
click now
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