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what is codependency and why do you not want to be codependent Google defines
codependency as being in a dysfunctional relationship where one person relies
entirely on the other person for all of their emotional and self-esteem needs
for these relationships the person who is codependent is usually codependent
with someone who is either a narcissist or who has narcissistic tendencies this
is not always the case but it often is the case that a narcissist will find
someone to be codependent on them which is why that person whose codependent
will often take a lot of crap from someone because they feel like they get
all of their emotional and self-esteem needs met with this person so even when
they get trashed and put down they're still hoping to get back to that place
and they're too afraid to walk away from the relationship because they feel like
they'll be completely giving up their self-esteem and all of their emotional
needs because there can only get it from that one person and the narcissist is
usually pretty good at making them feel that way that there they are the only
person who can give that to them so this isn't a video about narcissism but I did
do a video on narcissism and I will link that here just check the corner right
here click the card in NLP there is something called perceptual positions
also known as triple description there is first position there is second
position and then third position also known as self other and Observer so if
I'm in first position also known as self position that means that I am fully
associated into my body and seeing everything through my own eyes and
hearing through my own ears so if I'm remembering something I can associate
into that memory as if I'm actually there or I can see that memory as a
movie now if I see that memory as a viii then I'm seeing it from an observer
position so I'm seeing myself in it I'm seeing everyone else in it that would be
what we would call observer position or third position so if you think about and
a storytelling first person and then there's second person and third person
third person is that narrowed that narrator who's not involved in the story
and then we have second position or other position so that's the other
person and sometimes we do that we sort of drop into someone else and take their
perspective and look back at ourselves okay
this is a great exercise to do I've done other videos on this I will also link
one on one or more of those other videos to this video as well so that you can
have more of a description of what this is like so you can do this in memories
or you can do it in real time so if I'm if you were right here in front of me
then I could be associated where I really have the perspective of being
fully associated fully in my body and paying attention to you then I could
have a sense of coming from your perspective dropping in to you and this
is where this is where empathy comes from this is where sympathy comes from
our ability to do this this is what really separates us from the other
species is the fact that we can do this and experience this empathy on this
level so I drop into you and look back at myself and I'm really coming from
your perspective I'm not being me standing where you're standing I'm being
you standing where you're standing looking back at me then when I do that I
will get a strong sense of empathy and sympathy for you in a sense I'm also
kind of modeling you this is great for building rapport and then I can jump out
of my self and not be in you and go to a neutral perspective kind of like what
they call the fly-on-the-wall perspective and observe what is
happening now this is great for pulling in different types of information in
fact geniuses do this they're able to jump into multiple perspectives rapidly
and pick up information from all different perspectives you can also
think about it as camera angles so if you have different cameras set up each
camera is taking in a different perspective of the same event that's
happening so what happens when someone is feeling symp
for someone else's they are actually going second position with them but you
can overdo this and overdoing it that's how codependent people live they are
constantly in second position with the other person sometimes they can be in
second position with just everybody you've probably met people like this
they're always helping people but their own life is in shambles their own life
is dysfunctional and terrible and you might even have said to that person if
you're trying to help them out is like hey if you just put some of that
attention on helping others back on yourself your life would would turn
around like you everything would be so much better but they don't include
themselves because they're always in second position they're not taking
themselves into account and this is the same thing that's happening in a
codependent relationship is they're constantly thinking about the other
person they're constantly concerned about their needs their welfare their
desires and they're basically living for that other person so you want to be able
to have the choice to go first position second position in other position and be
able to do this at will and when you want to in order to gather up more
information but you always want to be able to come back to yourself you always
want to be living from who you are from yourself because you can't really live
for anyone else you can only be yourself so if you think that you might be in a
codependent relationship and you are the codependent one start to notice that
start to notice how you're always going second position with that other person
and then imagine what it would be like to come back to yourself and fully
associate into yourself now that might be a little bit too hard for you because
you might have you would probably have already done that something is probably
preventing you from doing that maybe not but there's a good possibility maybe
start by going third position or what we call observer position what would it be
like to watch a movie of you interacting with the person you're codependent with
what might you see and hear or even feel when you do that you might be a bit
surprised and then from the third position then see what happens when you
come back to you come back to you in this position now most people are some
at least for some of the time in their bodies they're very they can be
present an inverse position but in a codependent relationship what would
normally happen is they may be going around throughout their lives throughout
their day in first position except when they're around that other person when
they're around that other person they suddenly jump into that second position
so what you can do is you can do all this in your mind first because when
you're actually in that person's presence it might be overwhelming it
might be too strong you can't help and you just naturally go second position so
when you're not in their presence when you're just maybe at home or somewhere
else where you have a little bit of time that you won't be interrupted you can
just take some time to concentrate imagine what it would be like imagine
that person is in front of you right now and you may already notice you're in
second position looking back at yourself you're in their bodies you're associated
into them looking back at yourself and then notice what happens and work at
this it might take some time notice what happens when you float up out of them
and you come back into your own body now if you feel resistance to doing that
don't resist the resistance that's going to take more out of you and it's only
going to strengthen the resistance this is a unique opportunity to get really in
touch with whatever it is that's preventing you get in touch with that
resistance that resistance has a positive intent behind it it may nice
they may not seem positive because it's keeping you in a codependent
relationship or it's keeping you codependent but you want to check in
with what is that and even ask that part of you that's resisting coming back into
your body what is the positive intent behind the resistance what is it trying
to do for you in a positive way and you may have to dig deeper and deeper with
this like really go more into it if it says it's saying that it doesn't want
something you need to reframe that and say okay well if that's what this part
of me doesn't want what does it want instead so into you want to get a
positive answer out of this it might just be something like it's protecting
you like you don't feel safe in your own body
so then you would want to go deeper with this okay if I'm doing this to protect
myself I'm getting out of my body and I'm going into this person because I
believe that they can protect me that I can't protect myself then I now you know
where to work you know you know you would
you have to work on because there is no way that you are truly safer associating
with someone else than being in your own body being in your own body is really
where you can protect yourself it's more about fear and trying to escape so you
might find that you're opening a can of worms here when you get into this but at
least you know now at least you're working on it and you probably should
see a therapist or someone who knows about these things so that they can help
you lead you out of this so just know if you feel like you're codependent or if
you have people who tell you that you're codependent or you feel like you're
really in a dysfunctional relationship check in with this see if you're overly
associating into the other person it might be a very quick fix it might just
be a matter of realizing what's happening then coming back and
associating into yourself and being very present and associated in you but if you
find that you can't move back into your own body when you're around this person
then that might be a good indication that you need a therapist or a coach to
help you do that check out my website NLP-Gym.com there you will find some
free NLP training you can download directly to your phone your tablet or
your desktop and get started immediately also check out my Facebook page NOP Jim
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take care