- I saw that we decriminalized weed in New York.
(people cheering)
I do feel like, though,
we should stop calling all of weed weed.
(people laughing)
Now, we have like eight levels of weed
deeper than anyone has ever had before.
That needs a new name.
Like, my friend took an edible,
and then just leaned in the corner for 30 minutes,
(people laughing)
because he thought he was a glass of orange juice
(people laughing)
and he didn't wanna spill himself.
That is not weed, sir.
(people laughing)
(upbeat music)
- I think skinny people and fat people can coexist.
(people laughing)
Cancel me!
(people laughing)
I think it's possible.
I do, but fat people,
we have to be careful around skinny people.
Yeah. You can't talk.
If you're a fat person,
you can't talk about being active
too quick around a skinny person,
'cause y'all get too excited.
(people laughing)
Like as a fat person, I'll be like,
"I think I'm gonna go on a walk later,"
and a thin person in the room I've never met will be like,
"Yes, *****, you don't have to live this way."
(people laughing)
God ****.
(people laughing)
Okay.
- Just broke up with somebody.
Well, it wasn't really a breakup,
it was a booty call I mighta took too serious.
(people laughing)
That **** happens sometimes, you know?
You can't **** me more than one time
and not be my man.
(people laughing)
We on a schedule
(people laughing)
I don't care if you don't love me. I love you.
(people laughing)
It's gonna work out.
So, now, the booty call then turn into a police car,
(people laughing)
'cause I can't stop texting 'em.
I can't stop texting!
Texting has ruined my life!
I can't stop texting!
It's hard!
It's hard not to text, "You is a *****!"
(people laughing)
Send.
Okay, I'm sorry for calling you a *****.
(people laughing)
Did you get my last text?
(people laughing)
Are you getting any of these texts?
Is you getting any of these texts, *****?
- And I have to say that I'm Mexican,
'cause I'm here in little Puerto Rico.
Yeah. I know what's up, man.
Puerto Ricans, you guys are like Mexicans
that have a time limit when it comes to Spanish.
(people laughing)
You speak it quick.
Mexicans, we speak Spanish slow.
Hey, how's it going?
(speaking in foreign language)
Puerto Ricans, man. Hey, what's up?
(speaking in foreign language)
- I know what you're thinking
when you look at me.
I look like your babysitter.
(people laughing)
I know. Yeah.
I look like a good babysitter, because I look nice,
but not quite hot enough to ruin a marriage.
(people laughing)
Yeah.
In fact, if you're married and your husband comes home
and he makes you breakfast in bed three days in a row,
it's because he just had sex with me
and was like, "I need to make this marriage work."
(people laughing)
I don't wreck marriages.
I strengthen them.
(people laughing)
You're welcome.
- Isn't that amazing?
We still can't prevent a hangover.
We have all this medical research.
I've tried the water, I've tried the pills.
Nothing works.
We can prevent children.
(people laughing)
We can't prevent a hangover, you know?
At least some people want kids.
I've never woken up like, ooh,
I am really hungover, but you know what?
I think I wanna keep it.
(people laughing)
Yeah, I gotta cut back on the sauce, man.
I blacked out last week.
That's embarrassing.
I'm too old for that.
I told my roommate. He's like,
"Ooh, you blacked out.
That means you forgot to brush your teeth last night."
(people laughing)
I was like, "Wow, that is the least of my worries."
I'm more concerned with the lipstick I'm wearing
and why I sent my mom a dick pic.
(people laughing)
She was like, "Ah, family plan.
Yeah."
- We also had drama in seventh grade.
One day, I had this beautiful lesson prepared
on topic sentences.
Fun, but right before class started,
I got an email from Rebecca's mom
and it was like, "Hey, Ms. M.
Just FYI, Rebecca had her bat mitzvah this weekend
and all of your students attended
and all of your male students
went into the bathroom together,
jacked themselves off,
and then (beep) everywhere.
(people laughing)
Well, number one, that is insane.
(people laughing)
Number two, what am I supposed to do about it?
(people laughing)
I'm the English teacher.
I wasn't even invited to this bat mitzvah
and I look Jewish as (beep), so...
(people laughing and clapping)
Thank you.
So, it hurt, but I'm a professional,
so I will handle it.
So, I was like, "Okay, kids,
no topic sentences today."
I put all the girls in the hallway
and I sat all the boys down
and Trevor, he was like,
"Ms. M, you look disappointed,"
and I was like, "Well, yeah, Trevor. I am disappointed,"
and he's like, "Well, you shouldn't be,
'cause it was just a game
and my juice went the furthest,"
(people laughing)
and I was like, I was like,
"Trevor,
it is farthest!
Have I taught you nothing?"
(people cheering and clapping)
They're so dumb.
- Yeah. Yeah. It's tough being single.
It feels like the guys that I'm trying to see,
they're not really trying to really
get to know who I am, right?
They don't really wanna get to know the real me.
I hooked up with this one guy
and he texted me afterwards.
He said, "You're the kinkiest girl I've ever been with,"
and I said, "I know this text was not meant for me,"
and I knew that, because at the time,
I had my arm in the sink
and I was soaking off a Band-Aid, okay?
Because I was too afraid to take it off,
because of the pain.
So, that just wasn't true.
That just wasn't true.
I've been trying to mix things up,
been trying to change up my luck,
see if I can get some
and I asked a guy out recently
and I realized I sound a little needy.
I sound a little desperate in the way
I'm not super thrilled about.
I sound like a white woman with a pyramid scheme.
(people laughing)
Sat the guy down and said, "Hey, Bestie.
This will only take five minutes of your time
and ultimately, it is an opportunity for growth,
right? Right? We start now.
In six months, we're taking it far,
but there are also part-time options
if that's better for you."
The moral of the story is, ladies,
you cannot girl boss your way into his heart.
Okay?
- You know when your ex starts ******* other people
the same way you know when something
touches your foot in the ocean,
(people laughing)
right?
You just get this feeling.
You're like, "I can't see it,
but something invaded my space."
(people laughing)
All my girlfriends were like, "No, no, no.
You need proof of something like that."
I was like, "I don't need proof.
I'm a woman. We were all witches once.
(people laughing)
You want proof?
My ***** twitched in the middle of the night.
(people laughing)
I woke up and I knew.
That's my ******* proof.
(people laughing)
I called him up. I was like,
"I know what the **** you're up to."
(people laughing)
He was like, "How would you know that?"
I was like, "You've been sleeping with me for five years.
There is so much of your DNA inside my body,
I will never not know where the **** you are."
(people laughing)
I was like, "We're twins now."
(people laughing)
- I am trying online dating,
which I feel like online dating, first of all,
I'm trying Tinder, which, oh, God.
I mean, just like the swiping.
I cannot be on Tinder,
because on Tinder,
like five minutes into Tinder,
I turn into this like Victorian queen.
I'm just like, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Fine."
(people laughing)
Can't we just like ignore each other?
But I feel like it's better than Grindr,
which Grindr's a gay dating app
and if you don't know what Grindr is,
it's basically a step above
tapping underneath the bathroom stall.
(people laughing)
- I do learn a lot from watching murder shows.
I learn so much.
I learned recently that I should never
start my day like any other.
(people laughing and clapping)
For those of you who haven't seen a murder show,
normally, when a white woman
starts her day like any other,
she is murdered later that day.
(people laughing)
So, I try and do things a little bit differently
when I wake up.
This morning,
I got outta bed first thing in the morning.
I went outside.
I stared directly into the sun for a few minutes,
(people laughing)
and then I got completely naked
and I ran around the block saying,
"This is not like any other day!"
(people laughing and clapping)
And I haven't been murdered yet.
- I do wanna get married.
Oh, it just sounds great.
(people laughing)
You get to go grocery shopping together
(people laughing)
and rent videos,
and then the kissing and the hugging
and the kissing and the hugging underneath the cozy covers.
(people laughing)
Sometimes, though,
I'm worried that I'm not...
Sometimes, I worry I don't wanna get married
as much as I'd like to be dipped
in a vat of warm, rising bread dough.
(people laughing)
That might feel pretty good, too.
(people laughing)
- I tried to date and the young women are doing too much.
Ya'll are nastier than I remember.
(people laughing)
What happened to missionary?
We doing new ****. I'm not ready. I'm not ready.
My last day before I started dating my wife,
the woman said something in bed
that made me just start going to church
and I'm Muslim.
It was a lot. It was a lot happening.
(people laughing)
I'm hitting it from the back, doing regular things
and she turns around she goes,
"Yeah, that's right, *****.
Choke me and spit in my mouth."
(people laughing)
I said, "Madison,
(people laughing)
I don't think you can say that word."
You know what I'm saying?
And also...
(people laughing)
(people cheering)
- Natalie Portman should not be the next female Thor.
(people laughing)
She's 5'3, 118 pounds.
(people laughing)
I poop Natalie Portman out on a green smoothie day.
(people laughing and cheering)
Do you know how frustrated it is?
Like, I'm a strong black woman,
but I can't be a hero.
Like, come on, in a real world scenario,
if any of you were trapped by a villain,
then they was like, "You got two people
that could come save you."
(people laughing)
Natalie Peewee Portman
(people laughing)
or Chloe Thunder Thighs Hilliard.
You'd be like...
(people cheering and clapping)
- How is any millennial ever gonna own a home?
How is any young person ever gonna own a home?
It's made me hate old people.
I see a few of you in here tonight.
I hate you,
'cause every old person in a city
like L.A. or New York or London is the same.
They're like, "My house is worth $2 million,
but when I bought it in 1981,
I paid 11 raspberries for it,"
(people laughing)
and every young person's like,
"I have nine roommates!
(people laughing)
We each pay $11,000 a month.
Although, I missed a payment last month.
He took a toe.
I walk in a circle now.
Every single one of us is a lawyer except for Ted.
He's a dog with rabies
and we'd love to get him out,
but his name is on the lease
and every single old person's like,
"I'm a librarian with a home at the beach."
Go yourself!
(people laughing)
- I am so happy to be here.
For those of you that don't know, it's a birthmark.
That's what it is.
It doesn't lower my self-esteem enough
for me to **** you.
(people cheering and clapping)
Although, sometimes, people do stare
and I am like, "Hey, buddy, eyes down here."
(people laughing)
When I wear a mask,
my mask sits right here
and covers my birthmark.
So, I'm just walking around as one of you.
(people laughing)
I meet new people while I'm wearing a mask
all the time, right?
And eventually, I take my mask off
and they see my birthmark for the first time
and every single time, the reaction is the same.
It's always exactly like when you see a man
take his hat off and you're like,
"That hairline is not where I thought it was going to be."
(people cheering and clapping)
Well played.
- Sometimes, I question the whole like
only white people get this and only Black people get that.
I feel like that comes from sources of information
written back when it was okay to be racist.
It's the same way black people still say
white people can't dance,
even though there's been tons of movies
that prove otherwise.
Like "Step Up".
"Step Up Two",
"Step Up 3D",
"Step Up Revolution",
"Step Up All In",
and "Grease", *****. I don't know.
- So, I got a dog. That's what I did.
I got a dog, I got a girl dog.
I rescued her and technically,
I paid for her, but her name was Tina
and I saved her from that, so...
(people laughing)
She's mine now.
I named her Miley,
because my name's Hannah,
(people laughing)
so she's the other side of me.
That's correct.
She really is the drunk version of me.
She pees everywhere,
puts everything in her mouth,
and I don't drink anymore,
so I don't get mad about it.
I get nostalgic.
Like, even at the dog park last week,
I felt like I was watching myself in my early 20s,
because she was hopelessly chasing
this golden retriever
while a pug ate her *** the entire time
(people laughing)
and she just let it happen.
Rolled over, actually,
and just let him have it. Anyway...
- I like going to free clinics,
'cause they know what's up.
Nobody goes to a free clinic for chemo.
Everybody goes to a free clinic,
'cause they had fun yesterday.
(people laughing)
I like to go to this free clinic in Brooklyn,
'cause it's very well run.
That's right, you could Yelp other things besides food
and I went in and it's very well run.
The first thing, they don't waste any of your time.
It's great. The first thing they do,
they prick your finger to test you for AIDS.
They give you a number,
and then you sit with everybody else,
and then while you wait to see the doctor,
they'll call your number,
tell you your AIDS result.
Yeah. It's like Bingo.
It's sick.
It's ******* best establishment in Brooklyn.
Maybe I'm not painting a good picture enough.
A nurse will literally come out to the waiting room
and be like 33. No.
(people laughing)
And 33's like...
(people laughing and clapping)
- I will get real with y'all, though.
Over the pandemic,
it's the first time in a long, long time
I've thought about getting back on antidepressants.
Okay? I haven't been on antidepressants in a decade.
I'm older than you think.
Do not ask, okay?
I told my friends this and they're really supportive.
They just had a few questions like,
"Okay, you were on antidepressants before,
what did it feel like?
Like, why do you wanna get back on them?"
And I was honest.
Being on antidepressants feels like
your brain is being gentrified.
That's what it feels like.
It really does,
'cause like, the property value has gone up,
but I don't recognize this place.
(people laughing)
(people clapping)
Where's the liquor store?
You know what I'm saying?
Like, where's the liquor store?
Who fixed the sidewalk finally?
Wow. Okay. Interesting.
There's white women jogging around my brain.
At night, streets are dead.
Streets is dead.
(people laughing)
- I took the same biology class
like seven times in high school,
'cause I break stereotypes and it's ****** up,
'cause everything we learned in biology,
like we knew we were never gonna see again.
Sometimes at Starbucks,
when they ask me for my name,
I say mitochondria, just to use it,
just to say I used that.
(people laughing)
Of course, they always misspell it
and mispronounce it.
We have a vanilla bean frappuccino
for Marie Kondo.
Just, I'll take it.
I'll take it.
(upbeat musical tones)