Doing a great job. Uh, Sean, you know what?
I'm not gonna stand up here and run a bunch
of hacky gay jokes into the ground, all right?
I'm not "Will & Grace."
[laughter]
Larry Bird is here. I mean Nikki Glaser is here.
- That hurts, Blake. That hurts.
[cheers and applause]
- Uh, you know, the only difference
between Larry Bird and Nikki Glaser
is Larry could actually pass as 33.
[audience groaning]
- Devastating!
- I'm sorry. You were so nice earlier.
I--
[laughter]
I just--yeah.
Nikki, look at you.
You damaged little climber.
[laughter]
You know, Nikki was the only girl
kicked off Jeffery Epstein's island for networking.
[laughter]
Adam Carolla is here.
[cheers and applause]
You know, Adam looks like the kind of guy
who calls black athletes "thoroughbreds."
[audience groaning]
- Caroline Rhea from "Sabrina" is here, give it up.
Give it up.
Caroline, if you're here, that means Salem the cat
must have turned this down, huh?
[laughter]
Sorry, Mr. De Niro, we know how much
you love that black pussy.
[audience clamoring]
Nice to meet you, by the way.
[laughter]
Big fan.
Chris Redd looks like a police sketch
of someone doing blackface.
You look like Nephew Jemima.
- Oh, shit!
Don't talk about my auntie like that.
- Dude, dude, dude.
- Why do you always look like you just got your braces off?
Speaking of Chris Redd, Caitlyn Jenner is here.
Uh, uh--I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Like Caitlyn, my transitions are really awkward.
Caitlyn completed her gender reassignment in 2017,
finally confirming that no one in that family
wants a white dick.
[audience clamoring]
Oh.
- Oh.
- Thought she was coming after me there for a second.
Caitlyn's pussy is so young...
- How young is it?
- Alec just called it a rude, thoughtless little pig.
Look, look, for real, I know we're all here
making fun of Caitlyn, but honestly,
I want to take this moment to publicly thank you.
As an athlete, I want to thank you for your bravery.
As a human, I want to thank you for the doors you've opened.
And on behalf of the entire NBA
and half of the rappers on the "Billboard" charts,
I want to thank you for giving your daughters
their daddy issues.
[cheers and applause]
And now the man of the hour, Mr. Alec Baldwin.
Give it up.
Alec, I can tell you're from New York
because just like the Knicks, you've somehow
gotten worse every year since the 90s.
You know, Alec kind of looks like a team owner
that saves money by massaging the players himself.
And I played for Donald Sterling, so...
You might think Alec's had an easy life,
but he's had hardships.
He once had someone take his parking spot.
Another time, a flight attendant
asked him to turn his phone off before takeoff.
And according to Alec's reactions,
those are the two worst things to ever happen to him.
[cheers and applause]
In the NBA, we have a term for people like you.
It's a bad teammate.
Like, you were in "Glengarry Glen Ross"
with Kevin Spacey and you couldn't even tell him
that ABC doesn't mean "always blow children"?
[audience clamoring]
I would have told him.
Uh, but you know what, I'm happy I'm here tonight
because tonight I learned you're a family man,
you give to charity, and you're a big enough man
to sit up here and let us roast you.
You truly are a kind, thoughtful little pig.
[cheers and applause]
[upbeat music]