- I'm going to shit.
- Pizza!
- Just fuck it! - Just fuck it!
(clapping)
- Hello and welcome to getting fatter with TomSka.
The show that will make you say,
yeah, that explains a lot.
You fat piece of shit.
- (laughs) Okay.
_ I'm here with my assuredly straight friend, Dan.
- Hi. I am a heterosexual.
- So you say.
We're drinking Desperados which is a French beer.
- Is it?
- Yeah, but brewed in the Netherlands.
- Oh, well I just fucked my life I guess.
I was wrong. And today we've learned something.
- We're big enough to admit that.
- Yep. I'm big enough for a lot of things, Dan.
- That wasn't the joke I was making.
- I see how it is, Dan.
Today I'm going to be making some of my favorite meals
from my life at university.
The meals that really got me to where I am today.
- The meals that I saw at university
and went, I'm all right.
- First of all,
we're going to start with the waffle sandwich.
- Okay. I like waffles.
(burps loudly)
Not with the same hand!
Fucking Jesus.
- It's going in the oven.
- Can I swear on this channel?
- Oh, ab-so-fucking-lutely.
(bleep)
So what we're going to do is,
we're going to take four waffles,
two for me, two for you.
Now you can actually have as many as you want,
technically.
Is it medically advised? God no.
- When you say waffle sandwich,
what's in the middle?
- Well, Dan!
So that's going to take about 15 minutes.
So I would set a timer,
but my phones run out of batteries.
- I can do it.
- Thanks, Dan.
- Set timer for 15 minutes, please.
- Hey, Siri, look up indecent images of chil--
- No, no, no, no!
- [Woman In Background] This is why no one wants
to collab with you.
(mockingly imitates woman in a high pitched voice)
We don't really need to worry about
what's inside the waffle sandwich for a good five minutes.
So Dan, how are you today?
- Mostly fine. I woke up late.
- Why, Dan?
- Crippling sadness.
- Oh, good!
(applause track playing)
Yes, Charlie.
I remember the time I put Squidge in the washing machine
and then he got stuck in the washing machine.
It was hilarious.
That's just plates down. It's going to be okay.
- But it was aggressive.
- It was.
- Do I get to know what's in the sandwich now?
- Mm-hmm.
Now obviously you can put whatever you want into
a waffle sandwich, but you do need to consider a few things.
- So the waffle is the bread?
- The waffle in this instance is the bread, yes.
And these are potato waffles to be care.
Yes, exactly. Now, it's holey.
So you might be thinking,
surely I have to be careful about what I put inside it.
No, we're going to work on structural integrity.
Our ingredients for today are going to be cream cheese.
Any cream cheese is fine.
- Light cream cheese, specifically.
- I'm on a diet, Dan.
Bacon and chicken.
- Bacon and chicken and light cream cheese, oh my.
- Oh yes.
You'll see the purpose of the chicken soon enough.
Now I can take the chicken or leave it,
but it'll make sense soon enough.
- As secret ingredients go...
Chicken?
10 minutes.
- Fantastic.
(pan whooshes)
- Pan-tastic!
(chuckling obnoxiously)
- I'm going to shit.
- Content.
(clapping)
- I clap really weird.
And I've only realized this since watching content.
I clap like this.
I didn't know I did this until watching these videos.
- I'd go and seek medical help.
And while you're there, ask them about the clapping.
(sarcastic laughing)
- While we're waiting for the waffle sandwich
to get it's shit together,
we're going to start work on the next meal.
- Is this a starter?
- This is a starter, this is breakfast.
This is a breakfast, this is mostly breakfast foods.
That's why you get your chicken, your bacon,
I'm going to throw an egg in.
- Okay.
A fried egg? Or a boiled egg or a poached egg?
- I don't know,
but we're going to get to work on dinner slash lunch.
This meal is something I have tentatively named the,
just fuck it.
Because it's a meal that I've exclusively had
at points in my life where I've said...
- Just fuck it.
- Just fuck it. I don't care anymore.
This is something that I definitely ate a lot of times
when I went from like chubby to obese.
So it's a cautionary tale.
- Yeah.
- Like you're succeeding in life
if you don't follow anything I'm about to show you.
- This is the only recipe show that comes with like an
advisory warning to just not.
- I am the advisory warning just right here.
- That's the t-shirt I'm going to get you for Christmas.
- Now, usually I'd recommend washing things
before using them, but...
- Why don't you just blow on it instead?
And hopefully that will be fine.
- Hey, hey, hey, Squidge.
(dog barking)
Squidge. No one fucking cares.
No one, not one person cares.
- I care a bit.
- No.
- Squidge!
- Your opinions are so invalid.
- They're wonderful opinions.
- The logical solution would have been
to close the back door, but it's hot.
- We're inclusive.
- All right. Let's just fuck it.
- It's my fault 'cause I gave him a coddle.
- The core ingredient to a just fuck it is an entire pizza.
- That's step one.
- So we're going to smash this in the oven right now.
Oh no!
That's so defrosted.
Now you could make your own pizza, but
- Just fuck it! - Just fuck it!
Bung that in the oven.
I've ripped up the box. I don't know how long for.
- Just fuck it.
(applause track playing)
- Just fuck it!
- There it is.
There's another dog.
- Damn. This tree is too big for my oven.
- Just fuck it.
- I can't live this life.
- You don't have to put it on a tray,
you can just put it in the oven.
- I don't want to.
- Open the oven. No, Dan, Dan.
- There you go.
- [Tom] Ow, that's hot! Fuck, fuck.
Fuck. Shit.
- Just fuck it?
- Fuck my life, Dan.
Dan, the waffles are escaping.
- I wish I could help you, Tom. I really do.
But I've got a pizza in my hand
- [Tom] All right, in it goes.
- In it goes!
- We've got five minutes left.
That means it's time to get ready for our waffle sandwich.
So what we're going to want to do is just
turn on that frying pan.
Hey, sexy frying pan, God, you look hot as fuck.
(stove top ignites)
I'm going to have sex with you.
- He means turn on the hob to heat the frying pan.
- [Tom] Oh, yeah, sexy hob!
- A frying pan frying pan does not have an on switch.
- I'm going to fry the chicken a bit.
- The chicken is already cooked.
- Yeah, but I think a little bit of lightly frying.
Like, there'll be the last thing to go in.
So we'll get four --
- There's a dog here.
I'm not just stroking Tom beneath the counter.
- Why not, Dan. Why do I even have you here?
Ooh, you're a bit hot. Let's smash that bacon.
(Tom yelling)
Oh no.
Don't forget to drink beer throughout this entire experience
because --
- Just fuck it!
- You want an egg as well?
- Obviously.
- Two eggs we are.
Oh yeah. I have no food.
He turned the corner and was like, oh, nevermind.
It's just like every girl I've ever known.
- Alright. Those waffles need a couple more minutes
just to get nice and golden brown.
(Golden Brown by The Stranglers plays)
We all know, Dan, brown is the magic number.
- Just will you do me a favor, Tom?
- Before you put this video live.
Let me just check it with my lawyer.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- The eggs have not entirely worked out.
(both cheering) - Waffles!
- What a day.
- Right. What do I do with these?
Can I put them on a plate?
(dog barking)
- [Tom] Now, Dan, if I were to tell you the eggs worked out.
- You would be lying.
- I would be lying.
- Did you try fry those eggs?
What the fuck happened?
What the fuck is that?
- Fell apart. Okay?
- But like how?
- (mockingly) How?
Not much left to do.
We're gonna take our squares of chicken.
We're going to put them on top of our waffles.
Now what this will do is
this will block the holes in the waffles.
- I'm having the bit of the eggs still
that's still got some runny yolk
- I'll have the rest of the egg.
I will do my best to have the rest of the egg.
- Oh God. I forgot there was cream cheese.
- Now, do you like cream cheese, Dan?
- I do, yeah, but I don't know if I like it in this context.
- We're going to put some cream cheese here right here.
- [Dan] God, that's so much.
- [Tom] Yeah. I know.
The coldness of the cream cheese
will really compliment the sort of heat and saltiness of...
- Everything else?
- Absolutely everything else.
- There's saltiness in the cream cheese too.
- See, now that needs to fold out a bit more
because you've got some holes exposed.
As we all know, there's a punchline to that joke,
I don't want to make.
- You can make it.
Please pop your punchline to that joke
in the comments below.
- You got any like seasoning?
- [Tom] Yeah, no.
- Got some pepper?
- We've got ketchup.
- Oh, ketchup, yeah. That'll do it.
That'll save this.
- I'm going to have some Nando's Perinaise, not spon'd.
- Mistake!
Do I eat it with my hands, or with a knife and fork?
- (scoffing) Don't.
(satisfiedly) Mm!
- Do you want to know what's really upsetting?
- That it tastes really good.
- Yeah.
- [Elliot As Dog] I would like a mouthful, please.
- [Tom] Come on Squidge, here you go.
- [Woman] (gasps) Thomas! Tom!
- Are you going to also eat that?
- [Elliot] Om nom nom nom.
- What do you think Squidge?
(flabbergasted chuckling)
- Tom!
- That's a new low for this channel.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, it's actually really good.
- Please give me some more.
But don't actually because it's probably gonna kill me.
- Not if it kills me first, mother fucker!
- I'm so disappointed myself.
- Oh, I'm just sweating even more than usual.
Dan, I only wear one thing every day and it's ruined now.
- Oh, is that not it?
- Oh no, Dan. It's going to get much worse.
- At home I've got a really lovely cauliflower
and some really fresh tomatoes and --
- Pizza!
All right, Dan, it's time to just, just fuck it.
What we've done is we've made a pizza.
Any normal self-respecting human would go mm, a pizza!
I'll eat that.
- Yeah.
- Why haven't we ordered one in?
Well, because we need it uncut.
So personally I prefer a meaty pizza.
This one's got, it's got ham.
It's got beef. It's got pepperoni.
It's got a little bit of jalapenos,
but that's not enough. I need more jalapenos.
- More? It's already...
- I want my mouth to be burning so much
that I can't remember why I was sad in the first place.
- I'm not really good on the heat.
- Are you not?
- Well I'm all right, I'm better than Sammy.
- This is going to suck for you!
- Sammy Paul, I'm going to give you some truth bombs here
that is going to change everything
and possibly wreck his career.
Sammy Paul has Nando's plain.
- Ooh, well, that's a good segue, Dan,
because I'm going to bring in this Nando's hot sauce.
Not spon'd.
- Not spon'd.
- I made a little line of jalapenos
in the middle of the pizza.
- Yeah, why have you? It's very neat.
- What we need now is some Doritos - not spon'd.
Why do we want Doritos?
- Because fuck it.
- It's because we love the crunch.
We just love the crunch.
So we're going to take these Doritos,
and we're just going to, fuck it.
There we go.
I'm using chili heat wave Doritos.
Cause I love the spice.
You might be saying,
Oh, this is spicy.
Well, that's why we add in the hot sauce.
We're just going to have a little, just a little bit.
We're almost done.
We just need a bit of soured cream.
Now this soured cream is going to cool it down.
It's going to add a nice little creaminess to it.
It's going to counter the burn, which is very necessary.
So we're going to be quite liberal with this.
There are 80 genders!
What we're going to do now is
we're going to take this pizza
and we're going to fold it in.
- [Dan] This is why it was in a line.
- [Tom] Mm-hmm.
- You're folding it in threes?
- I'm folding this like I would a fajita.
You want to be careful not to over cook the pizza
so you can really crunch it in there. There you go.
- Oh, my fucking Jesus, it's wet.
- Dan, no blasphemy on this channel.
We're a good Christian...
- There's nothing good and Christian about this bullshit.
- We're going to cut this in half 'cause there's two of us.
Although I find cutting it half is good,
because then you can start at the most damaging part,
the middle.
You ever had a just fuck it?
Have I ever given you a mouthful of one?
- No. Because the thing was,
I lived with you for a year and every time you ordered one,
I ran a mile.
- I don't order them, Dan. I make them.
- Fine. Sorry.
Forgive me. Every time you constructed one,
- Every time I summoned one from the depths of hell.
Fuck.
Expect to get messy.
Just fuck it.
- Just fuck it.
- I know.
- It tastes so good.
Why does it work? I'm so upset.
- God, that's so fucking good.
- [Elliot] A spike in diabetes.
- I will never have one of these again.
No, no, no. I don't want one again either,
but I haven't had one of these in four years,
but I just wanted to get one on film.
- Has it been that long?
Fucking hell.
- I know surprising, but here we are.
Well, thank you Dan, for joining me on my quest to,
just a sooner death than usual,
you know, after we're finished with this,
I think we're going to want some dessert.
- Wow.
Fortunately, I have a baking show.
- What?
- I know.
- Can I be on it?
- Why ever not?
- Should we do that right now on your channel?
- How about we do that an hour ago, but yeah,
it'll be on my channel.
- Head over to Dan's channel, Daniel J. Layton.
- That's me!
- To see Baking with Layton.
- Also TomSka!
- That's me.
- Wherein we make chocolate orange brownies.
- God, I want to die!
- We ate those first.
(Elliot claps)
- [Elliot] What a segue.
- Go away.
(electronic music playing)