- This is your first time on the show,
but we have known each other, like--
- A long time. - For, like--since the '80s.
Since this--the show was based in the '80s, really.
- Yes, no, actually, I met you--
what ye-- you would have to tell me--
I believe it's 1982-- did you go around in the van
as Showtime's Funniest Person in America?
- Yeah, I think I won Showtime's Funniest Person in America in--
- Well, no, you know you won.
Oh, you--the year. - Yes. No.
I know I won. [laughter]
No one ever forgets that title.
That really--when people pay money to come see
the Funniest Person in America,
there's a lot of pressure on you.
Like, they're like-- - Well, remember though.
It's Showtime. - Yes.
But they still--I would hear people in the audience going,
"I think Steve Martin's funnier than her."
Like, I'm like-- I'm brand new.
It's a stupid title. Just 'cause they call me--
- You were brand new. I know. - Yeah.
No one knew that I was anybody, and suddenly I had the title.
I think it was 1983 when I was the Funniest Person.
- '83, so I had just-- I started in comedy in '82,
and I showed up at the van to do my tryout,
and I met you.
Not that you would remember that.
I remembered, because you were the Funniest Person in America.
- Right. - You had the title.
- Right. - It's like, "Oh, she is. Okay."
And you're from New Orleans, I remember.
- Yep. - Okay.
And then I went up and I did my thing,
and I wasn't fu-- enough to--
I think I might have been the funniest person in my body.
- Yeah. [laughter]
But look at you now. I mean, you have turned into--
- Look at me now. Just look at me!
- Yeah, you were nominated--yes.
You were nominated for an Oscar.
[cheers and applause] - Thank you for looking at me.
- [laughs]
- I--yeah, a movie that I produced called
"Finding Vivian Maier,"
a documentary about a nanny who turns out to be
one of the world's greatest photographers,
was nominated for an Academy Award
and lost to the Edward Snowden movie.
- Yes, but amazing to be nominated.
There are so many-- - Amazing.
Never thought that-- I put the movie together.
I never thought that-- and it's a great movie.
I recommend it. - Yes, it is a good movie.
- Yeah, so... [applause]
- If you like photography especially.
Did you have good seats? Tell me what--
- I will tell you all about my seats.
First off, I get there, and nobody on the red--
well, the photographers--
there's a lot of foreign photographers.
I only thought about it later.
It's my only justification for what happened.
Maybe 1/3 of the photographers wanted my picture,
and the other ones are going, "Who? Who?"
And so I just thought--
in America, in show business, people know me.
- Yes. - No.
They thought I must be from another land.
And then I get to my seats,
and my seats are literally eight rows from the top,
and I'm looking directly down.
- What if you would have won?
You mean, like, in the balcony?
- In the balcony.
- Well, what if you would have won?
- That would've been strange, wouldn't it?
- Yes. [laughter]
It's almost like they knew.
- I knew and they knew.
There might've-- someone looked.
That's all I'm saying.
Or someone made a terrible mistake.
Either way, I said to my wife--
five minutes before the show started,
I go, "This is gonna be a drag."
And she goes, "Yes, and I'm worried you'll fall."
[laughter]
And so she said, "Yeah." I said, "Let's go."
So we went to my friend Phil's house for his party.
[laughs]
We showed up in our tux and gown, you know.
And then I went to Guy Oseary's party.
I'd never met him before.
He was very nice. - Yes.
- But I had a little bit loopy limo driver.
And after--all night long. It was a festival.
But it ended with "the" festival, which was,
he made the wrong turn as we were leaving,
and he ended up on someone's lawn.
[laughter] - On Guy's street?
- On Guy's street.
And he started doing figure eights,
and I felt like it was gonna tip.
And the security guy came up from Guy's party
and tried to help guide the guy out.
This is what I heard. My window was open.
This is what the security guy kept on saying to my driver.
"Really? You're kidding me.
"Really? No, come down--
Really? You're kidding me."
That's all I heard.
And then, you know, you go to these things,
and for me, it's just too much of this.
So a lot of anxiety-- Academy Awards.
- Yeah.
- By the way, you're a great host.
- Well, thank you. - You are.
- I had a whole lot of fun when I did it.
[cheers and applause]
- And by--
that's not to say
that other people don't do a good job.
It's--it's totally a no-win situation.
- Yeah, it's tough. - Can I say one more thing?
- We're out of time, but yes.
- Okay. - No.
- I just want to say, my favorite, all-time comedian
is Jack Benny, and he had the best timing I ever saw
until you.
Of all the comedians I've ever seen...
[cheers and applause] You have the best timing.
By far. - Wow.
- No one can touch you. - Thank you.
- I wanted to say that. - Wow.