hello everyone
my name is Matthew deSilva and I'm a marshall for the class of two thousand
twelve
And my name is francisco Miscliki and i'm the representative from Winthrop House.
With a diverse range of comedic talents
our guest speaker has established himself as a captivating and hilarious
entertainer
do his work and filled and television
most notably as a cast member in Saturday Night Live
for the past seven years
several films featuring our guest speaker have titles representing the perhaps idols representing some of the
emotions we feel
as our time at harvard comes to a close
parents, for example, will be proudly repeating the name of his upcoming film
"That's My Boy" as they watch us receive our diplomas
No phrase captures the nostalgia and bromance we have developed for friends
and block mates
like his two thousand nine film "I Love You, Man".
and some of you in the recent weeks have articulated the name of his two thousand
and eleven film "What's Your Number"
either out of genuine need more romantic desperation
you know, come to think of it
our guest speaker's Emmy- award-winning SNL digital shorts kind of parallels the class of two
thousand twelve's senior week events very closely
Well, we had the moonlight cruise... Our guest speaker had
"I'm on a Boat".
than we had "Last Chance Dance"... he had
"I Just Had Sex"
and finally we had Senior Soirée...
"I Just Had Sex".
clearly, our guest speaker understands what it's like to be a Harvard student.
So without further ado,
our two thousand twelve Class Day guest speaker
Andy Samberg!
Wait.... sorry, sorry, sorry
Stop the music, sorry
What happened there?
That song is just so emotional... I just met that guy!
alright...
I have to compose myself- the show must go on here...uh...
*clears throat*
students
faculty
parents
grandparents
Uncles that weren't invited but showed up anyway
handsome young janitors who are secretly math geniuses
and the homeless guy from with honors
my name is Andy Samberg and i was honored to be here today as I am
unqualified.
There's a storied history of incredible Class Day speakers here:
Nobel Prize laureate Mother Teresa
Former US president Bill Clinton
and now me
The fake rap wiener songs guy.
I'm also just
over the moon to be receiving an honorary degree here today... I mean,
never
in my wildest
dreams, did I... what's that? ...No degree?
So what... I'm just like,
a professor, or...
Oh- nothing.
Then why am I here?
Dean Hammonds,
You've lied to me!
Alright, then, uh, this crappy speech then...
I flew my folks in...
Here we go.
Class of Two Thousand and Twelve
You are graduating from college
that means this is the first day of the last day of your life... no, that's wrong.
this
is the last day of the first day
of school... nope, that's worse.
Uh....
This is a day.
You know, I
too turned to Webster's Dictionary and uh,
it defined Harvard as
this season for gathering crops
And admittedly that's actually the definition of "harvest"
but it was the closest word I could find to Harvard that wasn't a proper noun.
And in the end isn't that what Harvard is really about, though:
planting the seeds of knowledge that eventually produce
crops-A.K.A, money.
in order to this satisfy the farmers... your parents
who pay, like,
forty five thousand crops a year
to send you harvest
Just so you could major in women's agriculture
You see what i'm doing.
Before I move on, uh, the world outside of harvard has asked me to make a quick
announcement
the following majors are apparently useless after tomorrow
history,
literature,
all things related to art,
social studies, east asian studies,
pretty much anything that ends with "studies".
uh... romance languages and uh...
finally
folklore and mythology? *laughs*
Come on, guys.
Just study something useful and play World of Warcraft in your free time, okay?
Anyhow, all those majors now useless
unless you can somehow turn them into an iPhone app.
uh... math and science majors, you guys are poor.
Finally,
But 2012 is a great time to be graduating from college
Sure, the job market's a little slow
Sure, our health care and social security systems are going to evaporate in
five years
Sure, you'll have to work till you're 80 to support your 110 year old
parents who will live forever because of nanotechnology
Sure, the concept of love will soon disappear, leaving us all lonly robots
ready to kill our best friend for a lukewarm cup of microchip soup,
but that doesn't matter, because tomorrow, you graduate from harvest...Harvard... from
Harvard
is where you will graduate
Now, I'm sure a lot of you are looking up here and thinking,
what makes this guy so special
you know, was he accomplished
He didn't even go to Harvard!
Well to you, I say this:
I didn't even apply to Harvard,
because I knew I wouldn't get in!
Boom, suck on that! I didn't accept you,
esteemed college, I'd break up first.
I move on and you see me with my hot new girlfriend and she's riding shotgun in my
convertible Sebring.
That's right, it's the one Harvard was begging me to rent when we went up the coast, and I'm just laughing
and looking really fit, like,
"Has he been hitting the gym?" Nope.
I've just been eating right and making positive choices.
Man, I really wanted that honorary degree!
Well, I guess the old saying is true
"Never trust Dean Hammonds!"
Regardless,
Harvard remains iconic in our culture
one thing that sticks out of my mind is the central role this campus played in
one of the most important films ever made about
social connections and how we communicate
i'm referring of course to 1986 whimsical blackface romp, "Soul Man".
starring C. Thomas Howell as a white student posing as an African-American in
order to exploit affirmative action.
He was at Harvard Law that movie,
and that movie exists.
Now, most of you don't know this yet,
but Harvard is one of the few schools you can attend that can also eventually
become your workplace nickname.
"Whose edamame is this in the break room?" "Probably Harvard's".
"Whose Vespa's in my parking spot?" uh, "I'm going with Harvard's!"
In fact, once you graduate, you can never wear your Harvard sweatshirt in public
again without looking like a world-class a-hole.
I honestly think the Coop should sell University of Michigan T-shirts that
you can wear
just to blend in once you're out of here.
And to clarify, when I say "The Coop", I mean your campus bookstore,
and not famous film actor Bradley Cooper
whom i also referred to as the Coop,
And who also sells books and sweatshirts in his free time.
Speaking of fame, Harvard has many famous alumni
Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates
just a few ex-students that started successful businesses after dropping out
which means it here in this crowd today and graduating
you're destined to be a massive failure.
Sorry, those are just the facts.
Also a fact,
Class Day is a terrible name for a day when you don't have to go to class,
like, ever again.
It's pretty much like calling New Year's Eve sobriety night.
"Hey, you going out for Sobriety Night?" "Yeah, it's gonna suck."
And now on a more literary note,
I'd like to read a poem
by the great W. B. Yeats
which is actually pronounced, "Yeets".
A lot of people don't know that.
thanks for the heads up, Barney Frank.
anyways
This is a truly beautiful and poignant passage
from the 1929 collection, "The Winding Stair and Other Poems".
and I think it's especially applicable to today's ceremonies. It goes like this:
*sings* "This is how we do it!"
*audience laughs*
*sings* "This is how we do it!"
"It's Friday night and I feel all right"
"Hit the shore, 'cause I'm faded"
"Honeys in the streets say, yo, Mama, yeah, we made it!"
There's more, but you get it... classic Yeats.
An important poet.
*Clears throat*. Well, now, I am truly excited to be here today to be honest.
At 33 years of age I haven't endured or lived that much more than you
guys so
in order to give you a broader scope of what's to come,
I reached out and asked for some words of wisdom from some people that I thought
were relevant to your experience here
uh... the aforementioned Mark Zuckerberg
who as a Harvard student was kind enough to send me some remarks
that i will relate to you now
Uh, hey, guys. It's me, Mark.
Or, as my friend Kofi Annan calls me, Zuckleberry Finn *affected laughter*
He thought of that.
I just wanted to give a big congrats to you all, but really, more of a
congrats to me.
You know, since I left, things have gone so good, you guys. solely because
like, a six-year-olds fantasy of the future good.
uh... in fact, I recently completed the Harvard trifecta.
Start your own company, have a movie made about you, and marry an Asian doctor.
Trifecta!
So everyone out there, be sure to upgrade to Timeline, and lay off the Pinocchio's Pizza. *affected laughter*
I went to Harvard!
That's what he had to say.
Uh... I also,
as for the local experience asked
massachusetts native Mark Wahlberg to send over some thoughts for you guys
and uh... here is what he had to say.
uh...
*breathy voice* "Hey Harvard, how's it goin'"?
So you guys are graduating, huh? I think that's great!
Hey, we should do a film together, what do you think?
You guys are super smart, right?
Okay, just think about it.
Say hi to your mother for me, alright?
He asked me to say that to you guys.
And then finally
I asked blockbuster superstar Nick Cage for some remarks
i realized he didn't go to Harvard and he's not from Boston
But he has a special connection in this case that I'll let him explain.
Here's what he wrote.
uh...
Good afternoon.
As I write to you I am currently digging a tunnel
into the bowels of the Widener Library
When I finally breach it's mighty walls
I will steal the legendary Gutenberg Bible
And return it to its rightful owner.
Steve Gutenberg.
you know, I've seen some weird stuff in my day
In Istanbul, I saw a small child swallow a pelican whole.
In the Sahara Desert I saw a herd of oxen
fly into a portal and disappear from our world forever.
But no matter what I've seen there's one thing I've held to be true.
Love is the most powerful force this universe has to offer.
And we should show kindness to all around us.
With the exception of Dean Hammonds, who is a filthy liar!
And that my friends
is the true meaning of Hanukkah.
I'd love to keep writing,
But now the time has come for me to ride on to my next adventure.
What's that, you ask?
Simple.
I'm going to have sex with the statue of John Harvard.
and those
are my three impressions!
Thank you, you guys... Late night television
led me straight here.
Now we've been praying a lot of attention to the students here today,
but I want to take a moment and acknowledge all the parents. In
particular
I want to give a shout out to all the moms in the house. Give it up. Absolutely. Absolutely.
Your moms...
Put up with so much and they ask for so little.
And as I look out at all the beautiful mothers here today,
I can't help but be filled with an overwhelming sense
of horniness.
Oh yes.
You're a fine crop indeed.
And I likes me some
older ladies
They know how to do stuff, if you know what I mean.
So to all the moms,
An invitation.
Nobody goes to know about it.
Now before all you dads out there get upset,
No disrespect, really, and
you've got to be something special to get such fine ladies on your arms. In fact,
as I look at all these strong loyal men
I can't help but be filled with an overwhelming sense...
of horniness. Oh yes.
I see a lot of silver foxes out there today.
And Harvard ain't cheap where my sugar daddy's at.
Yeah, I see you. You don't have to raise your hands.
Open invitation gentlemen.
Nobody gots to know.
And now I'd like to get a little serious.
As you move forward in the world there will be obstacles
but every challenge
is a chance for success
You know, I'm sorry. I had a whole inspirational section is prepared, but it
just feels phony now so
I'm gonna scrap
These scripted words and just speak to you guys from the heart.
Yeah, this stuff is much more from the heart.
Look, the things I'm about to say to you aren't to make any friends.
And they're not for some cheap applause, okay...
it's real talk
when it comes from my soul so listen up
Yale sucks balls. Am I right? Cheer if I'm right! Uh, they're the worst!
Yale asked me to do their class day speech but couldn't make it to the stage because
I kept slipping in all their drool.
So it's a second tier safety school in the worst city in America.
Guys, I'm kidding. New Haven's nicer now.
Than Rwanda!
Little known fact about Yale:
It was built on top of an ancient Native American toilet.
I mean, it's no wonder they're called the bulldogs. They're a bunch of bigheaded, inbreds
with breathing problems.
and that comes with my apologies to any inbreds here. Don't let anyone
compare you to a Yalie.
And look, this all might sound harsh,
but in truth, Yale is basically a sewer filled with mole people.
Only replace the word "people" with stinky, dried up dog turds
and puppies
and that's my heart stuff you guys
from my soul
For some of you it may have been tough to hear, but I felt it was my duty to give it to you straight.
Also, quick confession: I know literally nothing about Yale.
But I will say this...
Dartmouth can burn in hell!
Ah, Class Day.
You know, it's hard to know where life will take you from here
what adventures you'll have
which sitcoms you'll write for
but my advice to you is simple:
Relax, dude! You just finished college
at Harvard.
you worked so hard
Trust me, you're gonna kill it.
I went to Santa Cruz and then I transferred to film school
and I'm rich!
And I don't mean spiritually rich or any hippie crap like that.
I'm talking about racks on racks.
believe it.
I'm being a little hyperbolic to seem cool, but I am up against Mother Teresa
on this thing okay
Have you guys YouTubed her Class Day Speech? She was, like, crumping and
throwing back some money into the crowd...
I'm gonna take some liberties.
In the days ahead a lot of people will tell you to trust your instincts
And don't be afraid to take chances
and I am definitely one of those people
but i would also say this
don't rush into the next phase of your life
whether it's
grad school at Harvard or it's
grad school at MIT or
massively disappointing your parents with an art made out of garbage thing...
Whatever it is you try,
Make sure it's what you really want to do.
because the only person who knows what that is
is you
and if all else fails just remember these beautiful words from the film, "Dead Poet's Society".
"Neil! My Neil is dead! My boy!"
which now that I have said out loud
did not quite drive home my point as much as I had hoped
In fact I'm realizing that only like seven percent of what I've said today
has been at all helpful
or even passable as english
but in the end i feel I'm only truly qualified to give you three simple tips
on how to succeed in life
one
cut a hole in a box
put your junk in said box
make her or him
open the box
and that's
the way you do it
Also, I can't believe I'm about to say this, but Dean Hammonds, I forgive you,
bygones be bygones
already got that sweet degree from Santa Cruz and
film school anyway so thank you graduates!
Godspeed and congratulations. Play the Yeats!