What does it mean when you've been dating someone and you feel like things are really going well,
but all of a sudden, your partner says to you, “You know, I don't know what I
want.” and with that, they withdraw. More times than not, this happens with men
and I believe the reason is because it's the way we've socialized. Men, as little boys,
feel just like little girls. They get their feelings hurt. They cry when they're wounded. When
their heart is hurt, they cry and if the parent with them says, “What are you doing? You know,
toughen up.” or if a child starts crying and saying they're hurt. If a boy's parents will
say to him something like, “You know, only girls cry. You know, you're not a girl.”
And I’ve seen that among friends. Guys will be emotional with other guys and the guys will say,
“Dude, get a grip. You know you're acting like a girl.” Those kinds of things not only are hurtful,
but they shame that feeling away. They shame it and they make this boy protected. Like,
I will never do that again. They're embarrassed. They're hurt. They feel like there's something
wrong with them when they're emotional and so this really compromises them in relationships because
when they get in a relationship, women give them signals that I want you to be a strong man; I want
you to help me deal with my emotions; I want you to be there for me. But how many times do we say,
“I want you to cry when you need to cry. I want you to be emotional when you need to be
emotional.” Most of the women that I have worked with in my profession, as well as my colleagues,
get a little uncomfortable when they see men sob. It's like they don't know what to
do and the reason they don't know what to do is the person sobbing, the man,
is totally out of control with this pent-up grief and hurt and anger and everything else.
I’m going to go through the most common reasons guys tell you that they don't know what they want,
and I want you to understand what I’m saying. I’m not saying that this is reason for you to
stay in a relationship that isn't going where you want it to go and in fact, I’m going to give you
at the end some tips you can do or suggestions that I think are most important. If you're with
a guy who says he doesn't know what he wants, and you're clear about what you want. Okay,
so, the first of those is what is he truly feeling with that because many times he can't go further
than that. He can't verbalize more. He may be afraid of his feelings he may be feeling, intense
things that he has no ability to really process, talk about. He doesn't feel safe talking about it.
It depends upon the tapes he learned growing up not only from his parents but watching tv,
listening to things, seeing numerous videos and his friends. They have incredible power over
what he's allowed to express and feel and talk about. Secondly, he just may not be into you.
It may not be a relationship that he's really invested in and he doesn't know how to tell you,
so he will tell you, “I don't know what I want.” because he doesn't want to hurt you. Because
not only does he not know how to deal with his emotions, he sure doesn't know how to deal with
yours. He's terrible at expressing his emotions. When a man cannot say how he feels when he's got
“happy”, “sad”, “I don't know.” in his vocabulary and nothing else, he can't tell you when he feels
worthless. He can't tell you if he feels shameful or embarrassed. These are real compromises. When
it comes time to communicating with him, something such as I don't know what I want.
He doesn’t know what he wants. Sometimes, people get so confused and women do this too. That
you really are confused about what you want. You want a lot of different things and you
want it all to work, but you feel like you're going to have to sacrifice some
to get the other and so they stay in this state of disequilibrium where they just can't think and
they need just time to think in that. You know, a lot of guys will want to fix things and if you're
pretty together yourself, then you're not going to trigger any need that you have a need for him and
so, he may feel unneeded and he says, “I don't know what I want.” because he's not sure he's
going to be able to do anything for you in this relationship and that's important to some men.
More so than others, but most men need to feel like there's a place for them in a relationship.
He may be wondering if he should put his dreams first. Maybe his parents said, “You know, what's
most important is that you can make a living and you can take care of your family.” And if
he feels like he's not there, he's a long way from there or he feels like he's not going to have that
capacity. He may say, “I don't know what I want.” because he may be confused about his goals for
securing his financial abilities. It’s coming and he may see you in that future and that may confuse
him more about what he must do first. He's scared of commitment. A lot of guys will say, “I don't
know what I want.” when they're just terrified. They see that they're going to have to commit
and they're just like at the end and they're like, “Oh my gosh, I can't do it.” and then they
just sit in that space and they're hoping or they assume that you're going to make a move. When the
partner says something like that to them, they already have decided what they want. Not always,
but usually. Or it could be what I think is more likely that they've been really hurt in the past
and when guys are really hurt, they're not always sure they could avoid that again.
Women build walls too, but guys don't build walls. More likely, they stunt what they say,
and they stunt their communication and that's harder in many ways, especially if
you're trying to establish a relationship going forward. So, here's what I think you should do.
The first thing is that you know what you want. You should make a list of exactly what you want.
Do not tell him this. This should be done on your own in private, the things you want,
the order you want. So, what's the priority? You must trust your gut. You know
your gut is already talking to you about how likely this is for this relationship. It's
already telling you, “You know, is this going to be a break, or you know, a make or break
deal. Can I work with this? Should I not? Am I getting other vibes that this relationship is
not going to work? Are there other issues that are unsurmountable? We're not going to be able to make
this work.” I think that's very important. Give him space. When you give a person space
and you tell them up front, “It sounds like you're confused. It sounds like you need space.” What I’m
going to do is I’m going to back out and decide on a time. Should we just back away for a couple
weeks? Give each other space to kind of figure it out. Come back to later. I would never give space
without some kind of a limit because when people just say, “Well, I’ll give you space.”,
what happens is they have an expectation as well as a person who heard it and the one who says,
“I’ll give you space.”, they give that permission. Then what ends up happening is you get resentful
if their expectations do not match yours. Leave no door clip open. You want to close. You want to
make sure that you have a boundary. How about if we give each other space for two weeks?
Would you have two weeks or a week and then we come back together and we explore and talk about
where we are? I think that's really a nice way to segue into the last part and the last part is when
you're clear about what you want. It's important you tell them and the reason I say it's important
is because I want you to own that. I don't want you to live a life where you say, “Well,
I wanted this, but you know, we're just waiting because he's not ready.” I’ve seen so many women
do that and then they get angry with men and it's just not that man. It's all men. All men do this
to them and they carry that bitterness with them in another relationship and you do not need to do
that because it comes down to you owning what you want, what your gut is telling you what you want.
And you know you're never 100 percent sure, but you're more sure than not and then you
clarify that to them and if they're not able to do that after the amount of space or whatever,
then I would suggest that you move on, that you try to end it in person as much as you can and
you just say, “I just don't think timing is a big deal here and I just don't think it's the right
time for us.” or “However, you need help getting through that.” This is a very important issue
and I hope you take it to heart. The end really will explore your relationship and what you need.