LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IN MY OFFICIAL CAPACITY AS A
LATE NIGHT HOST, TONIGHT I DECLARE THAT THE STATE OF OUR
UNION IS CRANKY.
SEE, TRUMP SAID HE HAD A BIG WIN ON FRIDAY, WHEN MEXICO AGREED TO
STEP UP BORDER SECURITY TO KEEP CENTRAL AMERICAN MIGRANTS FROM
COMING INTO THE U.S.
IN EXCHANGE, THE PRESIDENT AGREED NOT TO IMPOSE PLANNED
TARIFFS ON MEXICO.
SO, ACCORDING TO DONALD TRUMP, DONALD TRUMP WAS THE HERO,
SAVING THE WORLD'S ECONOMY FROM THE CLUTCHES OF THAT MANIAC
DONALD TRUMP.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
BUT THEN, ON SATURDAY, THE "NEW YORK TIMES" REPORTED THAT MEXICO
AGREED TO TAKE THESE BORDER ACTIONS MONTHS BEFORE TRUMP
ANNOUNCED THE TARIFF DEAL.
( LAUGHTER ) SO THE THREATS OF TARIFFS, THE
NEGOTIATIONS, THE DEAL ITSELF, WERE ALL FAKE.
IT WAS LIKE THEATER.
IN THIS CASE, "THE LYIN' KING."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( SINGING ) ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: WE'RE PARAPHRASING, OBVIOUSLY.
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: SPECIFICALLY, THE TIMES REPORTED
THAT "THE CENTERPIECE OF TRUMP'S DEAL WAS AN EXPANSION OF A
PROGRAM TO ALLOW ASYLUM SEEKERS TO REMAIN IN MEXICO WHILE THEIR
LEGAL CASES PROCEED.
BUT THAT ARRANGEMENT WAS REACHED IN DECEMBER."
SO TRUMP IS JUST TAKING CREDIT FOR DEALS THAT WERE ALREADY IN
PLACE.
(AS TRUMP) "I'M ALSO PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THAT
THE BERLIN WALL IS COMING DOWN, --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) -- THE HOSTAGES HAVE BEEN
RELEASED BY IRAN, AND I HAVE PURCHASED LOUISIANA FROM
FRANCE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ACCORDING TO THE TIMES, MEXICO ALSO AGREED TO DEPLOY ITS
NATIONAL GUARD TO ITS SOUTHERN BORDER, BUT THE MEXICAN
GOVERNMENT HAD ALREADY PLEDGED TO DO THAT IN MARCH DURING
SECRET TALKS IN MIAMI WITH KIRSTJEN NIELSEN.
EVIDENTLY, THOSE TALKS WERE SO SECRET EVEN TRUMP HADN'T HEARD
ABOUT THEM.
( LAUGHTER ) WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY,
"IGNORANCE IS PRESIDENT."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SO, IF ALL THIS STUFF HAD ALREADY BEEN AGREED TO, WHY THE
NEGOTIATIONS?
ONE CNN ANALYST "THE DEAL WITH MEXICO WAS MOSTLY ABOUT SAVING
PRESIDENTIAL FACE."
AND ANYONE ON TRUMP'S MAKEUP TEAM KNOWS THAT'S NOT AN EASY
TASK.
( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE LOST A LOT OF GOOD PEOPLE
IN THOSE JOWLS.
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP ALSO TWEETED, "MEXICO HAS
AGREED TO IMMEDIATELY BEGIN BUYING LARGE QUANTITIES OF
AGRICULTURAL PRODUCT FROM OUR GREAT PATRIOT FARMERS!"
I GOT TO SAY, TYPING IN ALL CAPS, NEVER A GOOD SIGN.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S ONLY USED FOR FLAME WARS
AND BONER PILL SPAM.
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP MIGHT AS WELL HAVE
TWEETED, "WOW, WOW, WOW.
MEXICO PROMISES OUR PATRIOT FARMERS UP TO FIVE INCHES OF
GIRTHY AGRICULTURE IN 30 DAYS OR LESS.
MAKE THE LADIES GO E-I-E-I-OOOH!"
( LAUGHTER ) WHOA!
SO NO SURPRISE, THAT ON SATURDAY MEXICAN OFFICIALS SAID THAT
AGRICULTURAL TRADE HADN'T BEEN DISCUSSED.
BUT HE SAID IT WAS.
IS TRUMP HOLDING NEGOTIATIONS WITH IMAGINARY FRIENDS?
(AS TRUMP) "SENOR MEXICAN SECRETARY, YOUR
COUNTRY MUST BUY MORE CORN AND SOYBEAN FROM THE UNITED STATES."
(AS SENOR WENCES) "S'ALRIGHT"
(AS TRUMP) "GREAT.
NOW BACK TO SMOOCHING."
"I LOVE YOU SO MUCH."
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
AFTER THIS REPORT, TRUMP WAS NOT HAPPY,
WHINE-SPLAINING, "IF PRESIDENT OBAMA MADE THE DEALS THAT I HAVE
MADE, BOTH AT THE BORDER AND FOR THE ECONOMY, THE CORRUPT MEDIA
WOULD BE HAILING THEM AS INCREDIBLE, AND A NATIONAL
HOLIDAY WOULD BE IMMEDIATELY DECLARED.
WITH ME, DESPITE OUR RECORD SETTING ECONOMY AND ALL THAT I
HAVE DONE, NO CREDIT!" ( LAUGHTER )
IT'S TRUE.
TRUMP GETS NO CREDIT.
THAT'S WHY HE HAD TO BORROW ALL HIS MONEY FROM THE RUSSIANS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )