Hello I m Darren Magee and welcome to my mental health information and awareness channel.
Today's topic is having another look at the narcissistic family.
What I often describe as the cult of the narcissistic family.
Now I m going to look today at why I think it's like a cult okay?
So as with everything, there are always behaviours and characteristics involved, that can inform.
So let's have a look at them okay?
Number one in a narcissistic family you have a parent, you have parents, matriarch, a patriarch,
sometimes both, the worshipful leader, okay?
This is someone who must be worshipped must be obeyed at all times, and there is a pecking
order, there is a hierarchy.
The children are given different roles.
So let's have a look at some of those characteristics that make it look like a cult okay?
So number one, there are negative messages often conflicting messages, and these can
be both spoken and unspoken.
For example, You're not good enough.
You should have tried harder.
Why can t be more like him.
Well look at what he did, he did better than you.
And so on.
These would be examples of spoken messages.
Unspoken messages could be disapproving, angry looks, being ignored, approval being withheld.
You know, an achievement not being recognised.
These would be unspoken negative messages and would be, as said earlier, this would
be like a kind of neglect, if you will.
It can be turned on, it can be turned off at will.
There is a lot of do what I say not as I do . Don't you dare lie to me when in fact you
know the child is living a lie.
That the whole setup is a lie.
Don't you dare throw a tantrum when that parent can fly into a narcissistic rage at the drop
of a hat.
The children are being taught that they're being loved conditionally.
Sometimes they don't even know what those conditions are, they just fear not reaching
because of those negative messages.
And it doesn't matter how hard they try to earn that regard, sometimes the most they
will ever earn is not to be shouted at or humiliated.
Behaviour number two, there's a lot of unkind humour.
The children or the partner or whatever they are often made fun off.
They suffer embarrassment and the purpose of this, this humour is to inflict feelings
of shame.
Shame, through sarcasm, scorn, jokes with jags.
And the other family members, particularly siblings, for example, they laugh as well.
They laugh to gain the approval from the abuser.
But it's not just approval they re looking for, it's also out of fear, fear that that
may be turned on them.
So the effect of this is left feeling humiliated but also afraid to show any pain out of shame.
They are taught to believe there are something wrong with them for not liking the way they
feel because of how they re being treated.
And it's often, it's often given the little bit of a caveat, It's only a joke.
You're too sensitive . Which leads me on to behaviour number three, there is a lack of
empathy.
There's no understanding.
The children, indeed the partner as well, they are taught, as I said, that love is conditional.
They have to earn it, but they never will, and they must avoid the parent s displeasure
by being a particular way, doing a particular thing, children are seen not heard, Don't
you dare answer me back.
You did that deliberately . Sometimes receiving threats, Anymore of that I'm going to put
you in a home.
There's a lot of guilt tripping How dare you after all I've done for you?
I'm your mother, I'm your father.
You have to respect me, the Bible says you have to do it.
I'm going to tell the priest, I'm going to tell the pastor.
And on and on it goes.
There's never any understanding or any acknowledgement of what the child might actually be experiencing
or going through.
The parent, that matriarch, that patriarch they are typically judgmental.
They show little to no empathy, no understanding.
Nothing less than perfect is acceptable.
As I often say ,the phrase I heard I often use a lot, perfect parents have perfect children.
Number four, there are unclear boundaries.
The children's emotional needs and feelings are not being met, not even being considered
to be important.
It's like they're being told, You're okay when I'm okay.
That is the underlying message from the parent.
Or if it's the case of the enabler, the other parent, could be, We are okay when they're
okay, so don't do anything that causes them distress.
The children, they are taught that they are responsible for the parents distress, but
the parent has nothing to do with theirs.
So the children learn to fear disapproval through the rage, the guilt and the shaming.
And the child s right to privacy, even as they grow up as adults, it is not respected.
But the parents must be at all times, you know, things like, You needn t bother thinking
You have to be back here by 9:00 o'clock . Even if there may be in their 20s or 30s, the child
doesn't learn the difference between love, respect and fear.
In fact, I think it's quite common for a child in a narcissistic family to believe that respect
means obedience.
Number five, feelings.
Feelings are not acknowledged or respected.
The only feelings that are ever discussed are those of the matriarch or the patriarch.
And as narcissists, and you think about it, they are emotionally dysregulated, so these
are only ever really feelings of approval or disapproval, joy or rage.
Children in these families that their feelings were never discussed other than to be say,
ridiculed or to be punished.
Other than that, the feelings are ignored.
There certainly not respected.
They are not taught how to process and regulate how they feel.
They are not taught to allow those feelings to inform them.
They are taught instead to suppress them.
It's the parent s feelings that are important.
It is up to the children to suppress theirs put theirs second place and serve the parents.
Number six, there is a lack of communication, a lack of real communication, because the
communication in narcissistic families is usually through triangulation as opposed to
direct, open and honest.
The narcissistic parent, if you will creates a house full of flying monkeys, and I've made
videos on flying monkeys, what they are and their roles and so on if you want to have
a look at that okay?
But one thing may be said to one of the children knowing that it's going to reach the person
that it's meant for, rather than just confront that person directly, and that passive aggression
that creates mistrust and tension among the children.
It keeps them divided.
Any communication that is direct, it comes I does either rage or pity me.
Look at what you've done.
Which leads me on to behaviour number seven, divide and conquer.
As previously said the behaviours create mistrust and division.
They compare the partner and the children to each other unfavourably.
They favour one over the other.
The narcissist teaches them to compete for approval.
The Golden Child, for example, and the Scapegoat, among other roles, they begin to form.
But as far as the outside world is concerned though, they're happy, loving and united.
They are a loyal family, which leads me on to the last behaviour and that is secrets
and shame.
As with all cults, through a lot of secrets.
Ultimately, the narcissistic family as a whole hides a lot of shame, hides anything that
is seen as less than perfect.
After all, image is everything.
Hence, there are a lot of secrets.
Now the parents may insist on attending church regularly.
They are upstanding members of the community, they perform generous acts for other people
the world sees them as wonderful.
But the emotional neglect, the coercion of the children, that treatment of the partner
that's hidden.
The message to the outside world is we're good, we're happy, we are bigger, we are better
than others.
The children are taught to say and believe that everything is marvellous and to smile
for the public, to do wonderful, kind things.
To do the best they can.
However, indoors they are taught things like, whether it's openly, whether it's covertly,
What are others going to think of you?
What are others gonna say about you?
How dare you shame me like that.
It's a way of instilling fear.
So they are eight behaviours, characteristics present in a narcissistic family.
Behaviours and characteristics that I think makes it look and seem like a cult to the
outside world.
Now perhaps I've missed a few, perhaps there's a few would like to share.
Please use the comment box below.
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on mental health related topics until next time.
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