- Ladies, I'm telling you,
you got to be the shit to you.
Stop waiting on a nigga to verify
whether you the shit or not.
Bitch, if you the shit,
you the mother fucking shit.
(audience applause)
We tired of y'all getting with us,
and blaming us for shit we
ain't even in control of.
You done got with a nigga,
now you talking about,
You fucked up my self esteem.
Bitch, it's called self esteem!
It's esteem of your mother fucking self, bitch!
How the fuck could I fuck up
how you feel about you, simple bitch?
(r&b music)
If you 25 years or older,
and you still walking around talking about,
niggas ain't shit,
you need to get a handle on your mother fucking life
and take some responsibility, bitch.
What you mean to say is
all the niggas you fucked with ain't shit.
You need to figure out what it is
about your pussy that keep attracting ain't shit niggas.
Have to be careful though.
Have to be careful 'cause weed
is getting stronger every two weeks.
And these niggas ain't sending out memos,
or bulletins, or nothing.
The shit just strong for no reason,
and these niggas that sell the weed
be happier than a motherfucker to tell you
how much stronger this shit is than the last shit.
Just as soon as they see you,
just, Nigga, nigga, nigga.
Nigga, you remember that shit I gave you last week?
Nigga, it's nothing.
It's nothing, nigga.
Nigga, it's nothing.
This shit right here, nigga.
Right here this shit, nigga?
This shit here, nigga?
(audience laughing)
Always have some fucked up name.
It's cryptochroniccunalike, nigga.
Always have some fucked up ass name.
Listen, nigga, this shit here, nigga.
This shit here, niggas,
this shit's called death, nigga.
You be like, Nigga, that don't even sound attractive.
What the--You mean, I'm going to hit it and die, nigga?
Is that what...
No, nigga, not death, nigga, deaf.
You hit this shit twice, nigga,
you can't hear shit.
Like, Nigga I got shit got to do today.
What the fuck?
Your kids been calling you all day, they Daddy!
(audience laughter)
You got to be careful,
If got kids, you going to have to cut down
on your weed consumption.
I don't give a fuck what you say.
It's cool to get high.
It is not cool to get high,
and eat up all your baby's cereal.
That shit is not cool.
You wake up,
your baby already in the kitchen crying just.
(whines)
Thank god, you woke up, Daddy.
You remember you had put the 'Cocoa Puffs'
on top of the frigenator,
and now they not even up there.
Now you so embarrassed,
you got to play it off with the nigga.
You.
(audience laughter)
Nigga, they damn sure ain't up here.
Them mother fucking insurgents
done come in our house and stole.
(laughter and applause)
Take care of your kids,
they the wants that got your back.
They can be a mother fucking hassle though.
You gonna put up with some shit raising your babies,
but you better appreciate that mother fucker.
They, the ones that really care.
I know I got adopted kids.
That's a whole different shit when you got adopted.
That means you just reaching in the bag
hoping for some good shit.
You just, Please Jesus, please,
oh that's a murderer.
Nigga I know a murderer when the fuck I see one.
That nigga be like.
I know what I'm talking about.
My baby girl is 18 months.
She was born with crack in her system.
Now when the baby born with crack in their system
they body don't develop right.
So she was born at like four pounds or some crazy shit.
So when the baby's born that small
then they put them on steroids
so the body can catch up.
I don't think these mother fuckers
did the proper research that maybe a crack
and steroids ain't a real good combination
for a baby girl.
Got her walking around my house
looking like 50 Cent in pampers.
She's.
(stomping noises)
Like shit you can't run up on daddy like that.
I almost stabbed you.
Gonna tell a nigga when you want some cereal.
This is ridiculous.
That's my mother fucking boo boo.
That crack and steroids done made her a gangster.
She ain't even like a baby.
She's just a gangster.
You be trying to feed her.
And she, she just do gangster shit.
And you be trying to look at her,
but she'd be giving you the fucking gangster back.
You'll be like, Come on, eat some more.
She's.
(stand hitting the ground)
(audience laughing)
You're trying to play it off like you ain't scared.
You just, Awe, you ate a lot.
You ate a lot.
Don't even worry about it.
I didn't see you had ate this much.
Comics come on stage
and say you need to beat your kids.
But as a father, let me just say publicly.
Maybe we should stop beating our kids,
publicly.
(audience laughing)
We are tired of going to the grocery store
to see you beat your motherfucking babies.
Maybe your baby ain't bad bitch.
Maybe you's a bad mother.
Did you ever think of that you retarded motherfucker?
That is a toddler.
Your baby is supposed to like 'Skittles'
you ignorant bitch.
Soon as your baby touched the 'Skittles' you,
What the fuck did I tell you mother.
What did I say in the car bitch?
What did I say in the mother fucking car?
White people be like, You can't do that.
Bitch, you're next. What the fuck?
(audience laughing)
Never in the history of nigga,
have we ever seen a mother fucker
get his ass whooped all the way
to an execution.
You beat this nigga's ass to kill him?
You could've just killed him,
y'all sorry sons of bitches.
You.
And CNN aint shit.
CNN said they wasn't gonna show it,
while they were showing it in slow motion.
And put sub titles under this bitch,
so you can understand what he was saying clearly.
(hollers)
Stop it, you're killing me.
I am the president.
You've got to be careful
With weed, weed make you notice shit
you ain't supposed to notice.
Like I don't even give a fuck about politics no more.
Cause I done figured it out.
All of the government is pimps.
They all pimps because pimp say shit to you
and then don't explain it.
That's how our government do.
A pimp will have a woman in the car and be like,
Get out there and suck some dick.
We gonna take over all of stone mountain.
She don't ask no questions.
She just, I don't know how it's going to work
but I'm going to do my motherfucking part.
I'm going to do what I'm supposed to do.
(audience laughing)
That's how the fuck our government treat us.
Just tell us shit, don't make no sense.
What the fuck are we still doing in Iraq?
Can somebody tell me?
Ain't we killed everybody.
That's why I love America.
We some god damn bullies.
We don't give a shit.
We be on CNN like Say our name bitch.
Say it, say it three times.
Just see we don't come over there
and kill everybody.
You don't believe we gangsters.
Tell me what the Iraqi uniform look like.
Don't worry, I'll wait.
Cause you ain't never seen that mother fucker.
We ain't killing they army nigga.
We killin them.
We own there killing niggas in sweat pants,
tank tops, flip flops, and a cowboy hat.
You shouldn't have been talking shit.
But I tried to tell people on the last tour,
it was called 'Conspiracy Theory.'
I tried to tell people what the fuck was fixin to happen.
And it done fucked around and happened.
We said Trump had a chance because he was exciting.
And America loves excitement.
And Trump been saying exciting shit
the whole time.
Trump was on the news.
They asked Trump about the leaks.
Trump said the leaks are real,
but the news is fake.
(audience laughing)
I heard about the leaks on the news sir,
you are confusing me.
That's like the police pull you over.
You tell him the blunt
ain't real, but the smoke is.
Take your ass to real jail then since you are.
The president supposed to think of something,
then talk about it with the Senate and the Congress,
pass a bill, and then do it.
Trump don't give a fuck.
Trump sent off 50 missiles to Syria
while he was in his bathroom,
with an 'Xbox One' controller just.
(audience laughing)
See what they say when they see that shit.
(audience laughing)
Trump don't give a fuck.
It's getting dangerous out there,
as black people, minorities,
we used to just being able
to watch the news a little bit,
and then walk off.
Not with Trump.
Niggas is watching the news
like it's the playoffs.
Did they say anything about niggas yet?
We got one more day then, one more day.
White people, let me just tell you
on behalf of niggas,
nobody watches a presidential speech,
harder than niggas.
We be waiting on this nigga to say anything,
that has something to do with us.
(audience laughing)
America aint about what the fuck happens to you.
America is about what the fuck you do
when the shit happens to you.
So now,
I have to come back and tell my people
they fixing to fuck us.
When you go home into your 2012,
understand they already have concentration camps
in the United States of mother fucking America,
That they've been building for four years now.
And the question is who in the fuck
is you fixing to put in there?
We already got a prison,
and that mother fucker is so packed.
Hispanic people, since y'all in here,
I'm gonna let y'all know,
black people is y'alls friends.
If they come after y'all,
they got to come after us.
And I can say that because we know,
if they start coming after y'all,
(audience cheering)
we next anyway.
Don't worry Hispanic people,
we will open up that underground railroad so quick.
We got the blueprints.
And the white people,
let me let you on a little secret from niggadom.
If you mother fuckers get in a fight with Chinese people,
please don't think niggas is fixing to help you.
I'm just telling you right now.
I'm just telling you.
As long as them mother fuckers
make some of the best orange chicken
niggas have ever tasted
for $1.29, you best not fuck with the Chinese.
Not as many Kung Fu movies as we done seen.
We love the Chinese.
We ain't going to turn against them neither.
Y'all can get us in a meeting all you want too.
Just Niggas, niggas, niggas,
huddle up niggas, huddle up.
We're having problems with the Chinese.
(audience laughing)
Nigga, everything in my house is made from China nigga.
I got a Mitsubishi on 22s right now nigga.
I drove that mother fucker here.
Black women definitely ain't gonna fight
the Chinese as long as them motherfuckers
make the best yacky we can ever find.
Number 12, jet black.
Don't fuck with the Chinese.
Don't fuck with them Chinese people,
they own everything.
The cell phones and the internet.
They'll shut off the whole internet.
You'll be at work, trying to get on MySpace just
(tapping noises)
Control, alt, delete.
Escape, escape, escape.
No bitch, it aint coming back.
So when I retired,
there was a lot of things going on,
and I didn't want to come back
and tell y'all what the fuck it was.
Cause I wanted y'all to be proud of me
for some shit,
even if I was fucking it up.
But then they started arresting a nigga so much.
(audience laughing)
Understand you can only get arrested
maybe six times before it ain't fun no more.
(audience laughing)
I just want you to understand
that if you go to TMZ, you will see the fact
that I've been arrested 14 times
in 46 months.
What I want you to understand is
you have never ever in your life,
seen me standing in a courthouse.
Now put them two things together.
It's a new world out there.
Got to take care of yourself.
Eat right, drink right.
They got a flu virus out there that's killing people.
The flu is already bullshit.
You don't need to catch the flu and die.
Don't worry about me.
I can't catch the flu.
A lot of y'all don't know.
Every time you go to jail,
you get a flu shot.
So, I done had 22 flu shots.
I can't legally catch the flu until 2026 I think it is.
I can't get the flu, tuberculosis,
none of that shit.
I go to jail,
they don't even make me take a picture.
They let me pick from my book.
Which one of these do you like Mr. Williams,
you can pick any one of these out.
And now on CNN they say they just discovered 16
new Super Earths!
16 new
Super Earths!
Let me speak for all niggas,
when I say what the fuck!
Here's a god damn Super Earth.
We thought this mother fucker was super
the whole god damn time.
Look at niggas, I don't believe none of this shit
(mumbling)
It's true niggas,
they had it on CNN
the same goddamn day I was on CNN
How the fuck could I have missed that?
They put the shit right up under me.
Blew a niggas whole hide, just 16 new Super Earths.
(audience laughing)
They planning on leaving us, people.
(audience laughing)
Please remember where you heard it first
right at the cusp of 2012.
They are planning on leaving
our mother fucking ass right here.
They got space shuttles lined up
with GPS navigation on stock.
And so understand,
that even if they was going to kill me
for the shit I got to say,
I don't know why I'm still here
in the first mother fucking place.
What I do know is,
I've been waiting my whole life for 2012.
I've been waiting my whole life to think
that the end of the god damn world was fixing to come.
So now niggas, let's say it don't come.
Can we agree to at least act
like this gonna be our last time
on this motherfucker, so we can do it right,
one god damn time.
(audience laughing)