- OK, it's like, it's like Venmo, but it also has
like a little toy in it, so you can--
- Hey, does this outfit make me look emotionally available?
- I think it's your body language that's too unwelcoming.
- Damn karate background, can't relax into a welcoming pose.
- No, not a girl.
Hey, you want to play pin the tail
on Britney's next girlfriend and or emotional fling
that will result in a quarter life crisis?
- OK. - [Chris] Spin it.
Beep, beep, beep, beep.
You can't touch it, it's just where it lands.
Beep, beep. - [Brittany] She's cute.
- I'm writing this down on my list of app ideas.
- She looks familiar as hell.
Oh my God, that's, that's Stink Nugget.
- So what?
- My Instagram crush, the woman of my world wide web
dreams? - [Chris] Oh, she could launch
my app and make that follower money.
- Stop saying that. - [Chris] That follower money.
Jerrod says it's a thing. - [Brittany] Jerrod's a moron.
- Brittany, the weirdest thing is happening to me.
- Seriously, dude? - [Chris] What?
- You're gonna do this thing where you interrupt my
thing for your thing? - [Chris] No, what, no.
All right, why don't you go talk to her?
- Yeah, OK, I only have like three options.
- What's the first?
- I approach her, calm, cool like, I say something
like, "Hey, I recognize you from Instagram and
"you're really cute." - [Chris] OK, sounds timeless.
- Yeah, well, it's not.
She'll freak out.
She'll call me a sad, sick, stalker person
and throw a drink in my face.
And she'll even block me.
I'll regret ever being so direct and forward.
Spend my entire life not taking risks.
- OK, what's the second option?
- I delete my account immediately, so there's no
trace of me ever having social media presence.
I approach her, calm, cool like.
- Is that a motorcycle helmet?
- Yeah, why?
- I don't know, it's just like, motorcycles
are super dangerous, and if anything happened to you,
I don't, I don't know what I would do.
- Oh, Chris, that's sweet.
But for the purpose of this fantasy, could you
suspend your disbelief?
- Yeah. - [Brittany] Thanks.
Hey.
So, we hit it off.
Having drinks, someone takes a picture of us,
and she's like, "Tag yourself."
But I say, "I can't tag myself because I'm in
"witness protection program."
- Witness protection program?
- Yeah, offshore banking.
We'll get into that later.
So, then, her protector quality comes out and she
makes us relocate to a secluded cabin somewhere
in Montana, then I can't see my friends and family,
and we actually grow to resent each other,
and then she eventually gets mauled by a bear,
it's actually quite sad.
- What's going on right now?
- OK, Chris, talk about your thing.
- OK, look.
This is weird, these girls are looking at me,
and it's like, they're attractive, and this does
not happen to me, and it's like, I'm not into it, OK?
This isn't, what are you doing?
What are you doing, what is going on?
I'm here for you, and I'm here to do business.
- Yeah, it's because you're not looking for it.
- Yeah, what?
- Easy, your goal is to stop caring about girls
and once you stop caring, that's when they finally
were interested in you.
Come on, even I know that.
The fastest way to my heart's to treat me like shit.
Why do you think I have the exes that I do?
'Cause no girl's just gonna stick around because
you're obsessed with her.
All right, now focus.
- OK, what's option three?
- OK, this is my favorite one.
It's the long game.
I leave the bar now, calm, cool like,
to hatch my plan, using all the data and information
that Instagram has given us.
According to all her TBTs, the pictures that she uses
are all from when she studied abroad in Spain.
So, I take three months, immerse myself in the culture,
and become fluent in the language.
Also, she likes tiny dogs.
I adopt a tiny dog that's about a year and a half old,
get it accustomed to me so it loves me like a mother.
- This is insane.
But brilliant.
How will you meet her?
- That's easy.
If you look in the back of her selfies, you'll see
that there's a dusty acoustic guitar in the corner.
See that?
Which always says one thing.
- [Both] Untapped potential to become a musician.
- Exactly.
I'm gonna learn how to play the guitar like
Carl Santana, and or Taylor Swift, and I will position
myself at open mics all around where she lives,
which, presumably, is Silver Lake.
She'll see me, and she'll just have to introduce
herself.
Love at first sight.
We'll leave that hipster coffee shop, start our
blissful relationship together.
She'll fall in love with me at places she's geo tagged
herself in, and five years from today,
we'll be married.
Until your maid of honor speech.
- [Chris] I'm your maid of honor?
- Yeah.
- First of all, thank you.
Second of all, I want to know more.
What else is my life like?
- You married a WNBA player, didn't work out,
and you have a son that reminds you too much
of your grandfather, so.
- WNBA player. - [Brittany] Yeah.
Let me finish.
So, we're at the wedding, you're retelling
this entire story, you're super drunk.
And she storms out of the reception hall
and just assumes that our relationship was built
entirely upon a lie, and once I finally catch
up to her, she'll turn around and say,
"Are you Brit27Ash?"
- Sorry, are you Brit27Ash?
- Huh?
- Sorry, I know that's really forward,
I don't really know how to approach somebody
that I recognize off the internet.
Sorry. - [Brittany] Yeah.
How would you know how to do that?
I love your Instagram, which sounds dumb.
Is that dumb?
- I think your comments are really funny,
is that weird to say?
They are, sorry.
StinkNugget.
Or Josie.
- StinkNugget.
- You know what could fix that whole thing?
If there was an app that told you if you already
know people, you know, like Shazam.
- [Brittany] She doesn't even follow me yet.
- [Chris] Shazam for people.
Huh? - [Brittany] Yeah, I could
see that. - [Chris] It's a good one.
- [Brittany] Yeah, I could see that.
- [Chris] I still think the nap app is the best one.
- [Brittany] No, it's a bad one.