Our first guests are one of the funniest couples around.
Please welcome my friends, Melissa McCarthy
and Ben Falcone.
Hi.
Nothing weird about this.
Yeah, this is great.
This is normal.
Totally normal to have Mary on a mop and Andy in the garden.
That's my--
Hi, Melissa and Ben.
Hi.
Does she keep you out there?
I'm not allowed inside.
We're social distancing.
How do I get a Mary mop?
That's really all I care about.
You know what?
We should start selling those and raise money for charities.
You're the first request, but clearly people will want that.
Let's talk about the fact that you somehow managed to--
I don't know where you are right now in the house,
or maybe you're outside.
But is that where you keep the painting I gave you?
(SARCASTICALLY) We're in the master bedroom.
We just need an altar to you.
Yeah, we're outside.
And we just thought, where will we keep her?
Yeah, we like to keep you close at all times.
So we move you around.
Whatever room we're in, we like to give you a place of honor.
My mom and I have done--
I think as to date, 46 puzzles.
So whichever room we're doing a puzzle in,
we just bring you with us.
Sometimes I think you're judgy.
Sometimes I think she gets a little judgy back there.
But then other times you're real supportive.
Quarantine!
Wow.
Yeah.
It's so funny because I remember when
we gave that to you as a joke, because you like clowns.
But I said, please don't--
you don't have to take that.
But you wanted it.
I remember that.
You were like, you don't have to take that.
You don't have to take that.
And I was like, over my dead body.
This is coming to my home.
[AUDIO OUT] Look at how useful.
It scares me.
All clowns do.
It's not you particularly that scare me.
But all clowns scare me.
So I think that is what gives her such joy.
So I guess, thank you for enabling her.
Well, my pleasure.
My pleasure.
Now, I see that it's later in the afternoon for us
while we're talking.
And you're drinking a beer.
How many have you had, Ben?
I've had-- this is number 2.
So I've had 1.3.
OK.
And, Melissa?
Did you say, this is 2?
This is number 2.
So it's-- oh, OK.
I get it.
Does that make sense?
74.
OK.
The fact that you can keep count still means it's OK.
Now, because there's a lot of drinking going on
in the Instagram posts, and I want
to know when you decide what you're going to drink that day.
I have been known to get up, and you get the kids
ready for their online school.
And then you try to clean something and maybe
try to work out.
And then after if there's a workout, if I manage a workout,
then I'm like, I'm close.
We got to be close.
Because once you get into the 10s, you're close to the 11s.
And once you're in the 11s, you're homefree.
It's essentially 10:45-- oh, no.
I look like a real creeper in the background there.
Next time we're going to do that, but then
put your portrait behind me and just keep going.
Oh, she should've been with us.
Oh, no.
Well, when you stack them together like that,
it looks troubling.
Yeah.
Yeah, that should have been behind you
so that there'd be Ben, Melissa, and then
my painting behind you.
Hey, Ben, so do you find that the alcohol helps get rid
of any type of ailment you might have?
And I ask you that because Melissa
says you're a hypochondriac.
Do you think you are?
I do.
I do think I am.
I have a lot of blood pressure cuffs, as I believe you know.
Like, above 10.
Like, double digits.
Yeah, more than 10.
And I--
I'm sorry.
Wait, wait, wait, stop.
Why do you have multiple blood pressure cuffs?
Because he thinks the first 7 are lying.
And then he'll go to 8, 9, 10.
What if I get an incorrect reading?
Then I need a secondary opinion.
We can't go to urgent care right now, so I'm right.
I've been right this whole time.
Except, this was way before the quarantine.
Yeah.
This is where I've been at for years.
This is business as usual.
All right.
So do you feel--
well, this must really frighten you then.
I mean, I think anybody who has any kind of fear of being sick,
then the pandemic comes along, that's like your worst
nightmare.
Yeah.
But in a lot of ways, I've been girding myself
for this mentally.
Because I already-- every time my hands touch anything,
I'm like, these are gross now.
Don't trust these.
These have lots of ugly weird things on them all the time.
And I regularly refer to my children
as don't touch that with your dirty, dirty fingers.
And it turns out I've been right the whole time.
Yeah, he feels vindicated.
We're now all living in the fashion
that Ben has been asking to live our daily lives in for years.
So this is now--
now we're all making sense.
I
See.
I see.
That sounds like hell.
It sounds like hell, Andy?
It's so much better having your voice muffled through glass.
It really is.
I know.
And he's making it--
it's filthy, dirty.
He just keeps leaning against it and trying to look inside.
Because the windows are tinted, so he can't see in.
I can't see you.
This is how I'm doing my job.
I can't see you.
I can only hear you.
That's wonderful.
That's amazing.
It's really great.
You know, you've done the show many times,
how he's constantly dropping something and interrupting
in some way and not paying attention.
So this is his payback.
He just has to sit in the garden and listen.
I haven't seen my family in months.
When you guys go back to the studio,
I'll help you build a terrarium.
Can we just keep Andy in there?
It's really-- you're on to something.
I'll mist you.
Three times a week I'll come in and give you
a beautiful misting.
That's a good idea.
We need to figure out how to mist him.
I mean, I've accidentally turned the sprinklers on.
That's already happened.
That was an accident.
All right, we're going to take a quick break.
We'll be back.
All right, we are back with Ben and Melissa.
So before we talk about the frontlines thing,
I want to ask about your gardening thing.
Because a lot of people are--
they have new hobbies.
And I know this is not really a new hobby.
You grew up on a farm.
But you've gotten way into gardening.
Well, it's just like the--
I have.
And I've always loved tinkering in the yard.
And I grew up on a farm, and we had a massive garden there.
But there's so much time that we have.
And also it's the first time that I'm like, oh, my God.
We can't get a tomato.
In my entire life, it's the first time
we can't go to a store.
Just the panic over--
are we ever going to have something fresh again?
So I dug in to this gardening thing.
And I keep going down weird wormholes.
Very weird wormholes.
I'm watching some guy in England that's
always like-- (IN BRITISH ACCENT) Hello.
Let's talk about eggshells.
Eggshells have nitrate.
And I was like, Ben!
So now I've been collecting coffee grounds.
And how are your tomatoes?
Well, the tomatoes-- the plants are looking really good.
But now I'm down a real squirrelly wormhole with--
all my strawberries are the healthiest plants.
But they're dying.
No, they're not dying.
They're healthy plants with no fruit.
Oh, that's me putting the vinegar and eggshell on.
Yeah, that's her putting her solution into the plants.
Guys, I'm going to have tomatoes the size of my head.
Wow.
Well, that's very impressive.
I like that.
I'm about to start a garden myself.
And now I'm going to pick your brain.
And I'm going to skip the British guy,
and I'm going to go right to you, because I understand you.
Eggshells and coffee grounds.
That's really all I've got into it.
pH balance.
All right.
Andy just had a good idea.
If I start the garden out there, he actually
can tend to it while he's out there.
Yeah.
I'll send you 1,000 eggshells, Andy.
It'll be great.
OK.
I'm on it.
We're going to do that.
Hi, I'm Andy.
Ellen asked me to remind you to subscribe to her channel
so you can see more awesome videos,
like videos of me getting scared or saying embarrassing things--
like ball-peen hammer-- and also some videos
of Ellen and other celebrities, if you're
into that sort of thing.
Oh, [BLEEP]!
God[BLEEP]!