When was the last time I made you feel secure as a man?
I need validation as a man. I think I can't speak for any other man but I think for me, as a transgender man,
I need more validation from you, and I think feel I never get that
Never?
Well
come on
Well, I guess it's not right here, I guess if we talked, so when, so when was the last time you validated, tell me.
I think every day, every second that we're together
How? At?
What, I view you as a female? No I don't!
Okay! Then maybe it's my own thing, but sometimes if you put a,
it was a week or so ago you threw in a woman pronoun,
when you want to get to me when we're fighting that's like the knife, what was it,
it was something, something about a girl
hen party, or
Yes! The hen party, thank you very much. I don't go to hen parties, I'm a guy
What do you think shaped me, so that I could be a partner in this relationship?
Oh, I can't wait to hear this one
What do I think shaped you? I think I shaped you
I knew that was going to be the answer
When I first met you, uh, you know I don't want to take on projects, but. Like I always say,
I don't want you to be the worst example of a biological man, like I don't want you to be a quote,
piggy straight man. You know that, right?
Yes
And you get it
yes, I do get it
I think sometimes, I'll be a piggy straight man, then sometimes it will be 1975,
and then maybe it might be a caveman where I want to knock you, and drag you back to my cave
I think my past comes up more than yours, because I, you know, I didn't have
You had a strong sense of you from what? A very young age.
I didn't have that until 48 now, I didn't have that, or think about having that until I was 39.
I have to kill that old person, so to speak, to be me. So really I'm technically 8 years old.
So you're really, maybe you shouldn't be with me until I'm technically 16
Well that will happen once you start the testosterone
oh
right, you'll be in puberty
What are you hesitant to tell me?
I guess I have fear, if we're really going to make it long term because of the, little,
kind of time outs we've been taking lately to diffuse the arguing
Like I want us to get back
But not be avoiding other parts of our life, remember we discussed this,
like could we possibly be avoiding doing other things in our life because we're so
wrapped up into our routine with each other
So you think we might not make it?
I think about it, but not a lot, I don't think about it, I think we're great together,
you know, even when we're crazy and arguing because
we know it's going to be short lived
and I know we say things in anger but you reflect, you know, within like less than 24 hours
So you think we're not going to make it because I'm disappointing you, or not measuring up?
No, it's just, it's stressful, you know with what is going on with my parents, remember I said to you-
I don't want this arguing, I don't want to remember the end of my parents life with us arguing
I agree
And that resonated with you
How has your love for me changed?
It's gotten bigger and bigger and more encompassing, and more tolerant, and
it's just, I know you're there for me, you're like my rock, and I love you,
even when we argue, I never stop loving you, I never say uh the love died
That's the problem because my mother would say that. That's what I saw my parents do.
They would argue, and my mother would say get out, and she would tell him
even after they argued that she didn't love him
see I don't know, I need you to teach me that. I don't know that even when we argue
because I saw that for 40 years,
even with my mother with her ex husband, that I think if we argue, you're going to say pack up and that's it, Keith
But in the meantime you give me the boot
Yes, because I'm nuts but I still love you
Remember, it was a couple days ago, it was during this week you said to me
teach me how to accept being loved
Yeah
This is now four years later, and you are coming to this. Because I say, like, people care about you
babe
But I don't know if you deflect it, or you can't believe it, you doubt it
I'm 8 years old, okay? I'm 8
Is that when the eating started?"
No, meaning...
Because that's the arrested development thing
No, what I'm saying to you is I'm 8 years old. 39 years, okay, of not believing
that I was worthy or that anybody would love me, or loving myself.
You don't get to 600 pounds because you love yourself, okay? I'm 8, this is all new to me.
I've only been completely focused and mindful for 8 years. So you met me 4 years ago.
You have to remember that, I don't know better up until the last 8 years. I know better now.
Are you mad at me?
No I'm not mad at you. I just, it's an eye opener. I have to focus more on these things, and I have to listen more.
Yeah we'll have to talk about that more because that's a long conversation, I don't know what that means
Well, I want you, we're a team. But when things are bad, I'm thinking, how would life be without Keith?
Not good, not happy, and that's the answer I always get
Okay
Do you do that?
Of course, of course!
See?
I guess for me, I can't believe, I say this to myself- I stepped into shit the day I met you.
I can't believe how lucky I got.
You know? Especially if I'm 8 years old dating, that's pretty good.
That doesn't sound right
That would make me a pedophile
You know what I'm saying, you know what I'm saying. I'm just learning, and I, I guess
I am very successful, I hit it out of the park the first time
What's your biggest concern that you haven't shared with me before?
Okay so um, you have had numerous surgeries, and there's been complications, right. Remember,
you almost, as you say, in layman's terms, bled out, and I was there in the recovery room, and I was like, um,
call a surgeon back
Yes, yeah
Okay so you know and I know and the world knows that you need both knees done
yes
I have to tell you, because of the surgery complications, and the cortisone not working
and the gel injections not working
Say it, I know what you're going to say
I think
You think I'm not going to have my knee surgery
Yes
What do you think, what, yeah I told you when I almost bled out what that was like, and I have to get my mind set, okay?
I was 600 pounds, the stomach went, the boobs went, the arms went. The knees, of course!
You think I want to be gimpy, walking around? No! You really sincerely think this is it at 48 years old?
I hope not
You're part of that. I need you there.
I'll be there! Of course I'll be there, every step of the way!
And you don't think I should be upset?
You don't think when you have a death experience, that of course I'm afraid of that
the odds of me dying of knee surgery is probably...that's scary!
Look at you, you don't have to worry about that!
What's going to happen if you get cancer?
I already had cancer
Well, next question
What do you see for us in 10 years? Woah
What do I see for us in 10 years?
I'll be 64, so
You'll be 64, okay? I'll have 2 new knees, okay?
And possibly my hanging butt and thigh surgery, because I'll be 58 years old and I hope to look like the
15 year old I am when I start testosterone next week. And you'll be Mrs. Keith Neill O'Leasy, okay?
And I hope, well...
10 years from now your parents might not be here
I don't think they're going to be here
I wish your mother...
It will be a blessing if they go sooner than later
I know, you say that, but I would've loved, I would've loved your mother, I would love your parents to see
10 years from now, I guess we bury your parents together
10 years it's me and you, and the cats and I hope
Well, Miko is not going to be here, unless he's a super cat
I hope you're open to, I go work somewhere else that's not New Jersey.
Let's get out of either New York or New Jersey.
Let's go over to California or New Mexico, let's build our home, right, want to build our home
Nice adobe
I want to be working, I'll be making more, I'll be, you know, whatever you want to do.
I wanna, I wanna be 10 years together, you and me. And you will be 64, ready for a nursing home
Assisted living like mom
We'll be happy, together
What scares you the most these days?
Nothing scares me these days, from where I was a year and a half ago, until you saying we might not make it
That scares me. I want this to be me and you until the end. And I don't want it to be,
because I'm doing something that's going to make you want to leave. I want to get better, you know?
Life is very difficult. Very difficult to be your true self, try to get through the day.
Make you be good at what, I am as myself and as your boyfriend, your partner.
That's the only thing that scares me, if you think we're not going to make it.
I wouldn't want to, I wouldn't want to do this life without you, Kitty Cat.
After almost, coming up on 5 years, that would scare me.