GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND, EVERYBODY.
LOUIS CATO AND THE LATE SHOW BAND.
( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: OH, LOUIS. >> Louis: OH, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: DID YOU DO ANYTHING-- DID YOU DO ANYTHING
FUN THIS WEEKEND? ANYBODY DO ANYTHING FUN OVER
THERE? YEAH?
ANYBODY? >> Louis: I TOOK A NAP.
>> Stephen: OH! >> Louis: OH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: THAT SOUNDS FANTASTIC.
I DID VERY LITTLE THIS WEEKEND OTHER THAN READ PRINCE HARRY'S
BOOK. >> Louis: YOU READ THE BOOK?
>> Stephen: YEAH, I REALLY ENJOYED IT.
IT'S 400 PAGES BUT IT KIND OF FLIES.
IT'S A REALLY EASY READ. >> Louis: IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE
JUICY. >> Stephen: IT'S JUICY, SAD AT
PARTS, FASCINATING AT PARTS. I'M NOT A ROYAL WATCHER BUT IT'S
A FASCINATING FAMILY DYNAMIC. TAKE AWAY FROM THE CROWNS AND
THE FOOTMEN AND THE CASTLES AND EVERYTHING, IT'S STILL A
FASCINATING STORY. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO PLAY
TONIGHT FOR TOM HANKS. TOM HANKS IS COMING OUT TONIGHT.
>> Louis: OH, MY GOSH. A SONG I DID NOT UPON BEFORE I
HEARD YOU HUMMING IT IN REHEARSAL.
>> Stephen: WHAT. >> Louis: SHOULD I TELL YOU?
>> Stephen: I'LL FIND OUT WHEN HE COMES OUT.
AND THE GREAT MR. TOM HANKS WILL BE HERE, AND TWO OF MY FAVORITE
ARTISTS, RACHAEL & VILRAY WILL BE OUT HERE TONIGHT.
>> Louis: EXTRAORDINARY. >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME, RIGHT OVER THERE, PAINSTAKINGLY
MIXING THE DAY'S BIGGEST NEWS COLORS LIKE AZURITE, INDIGO, AND
LAPIS LAZULI IN CONTRASTING HUES OF LIGHT AND DARK USING
CHIAROSCURO, PERFECTLY CAPTURING THE LIGHT FALLOFF PROVIDED BY MY
CAMERA OBSCURA TO CREATE FOR YOU THE VERMEER MASTERPIECE THAT IS
MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, I HAND OVER A SET
OF FINGERPAINTS TO A ZOO GORILLA AND LET HIM SLAP UP THE FERAL
CINDERBLOCK MURAL OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
>> MEANWHILE!
DRIVE THAT TRAIN. MEANWHILE, IT DRIVES THE TRAIN.
( APPLAUSE )
ACCESS ONLINE PORN WELL, THAT'S NOT GONNA BE A
PROBLEM. ALL PORN USERS ARE 100% PROUD OF
THE PORN THEY CHOOSE TO WATCH: "MY NAME, GARY RODERICK
SANDERSON, AND I WANT TO LOOK AT NUDE LIBRARIANS LIFTING HEAVY
THINGS. SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER
551-23-69."
SECURITY NUMBER. WHEN TRYING TO ACCESS THESE
SITES, USERS WILL FIRST BE DIRECTED TO A THIRD-PARTY
IDENTITY VERIFICATION SITE, WHICH THEN CONNECTS TO A DIGITAL
DRIVER'S LICENSE FOR LOUISIANANS.
BECAUSE NOTHING GETS YOU IN THE MOOD FASTER THAN MULTI-FACTOR
AUTHENTICATION.
MY I.D.s UP FRONT... AND BACK.
NOW, TO FIND EVERY PICTURE OF A TRAFFIC LIGHT...
YOU LIKE HOW I CLICK THAT, BABY? OH, I AM NOT A ROBOT."
THE NEW LAW WILL AFFECT "PORN PUBLISHERS," WHICH LOUISIANA
DEFINES AS ANY WEBSITE WITH MORE THAN ONE-THIRD PORNOGRAPHIC
CONTENT. SO YOU'RE STILL GOOD TO GO,
TRADITIONAL CAJUN SMUT SITE TWO CRAWDADS AND A DILF.COM.
JACKED. THAT GUY IS JACKED.
MEANWHILE--
WALL STREET, WHERE GOLDMAN SACHS BANKERS ARE REALLY BUMMED OVER
THE LOSS OF THEIR FREE COFFEE PERK.
WHAT, NO COFFEE? NOW HOW ARE WALL STREET GUYS
SUPPOSED TO GET THEIR MORNING ENERGY?
COCAINE? AND I AM BEING TOLD, ABSOLUTELY
IT WILL BE COCAINE. MEANWHILE, A MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE
WAS FOUND IN A FLORIDA RIVER AFTER 39 YEARS, WITH A NOTE THAT
READ, "IF YOU ARE THE PERSON THAT FOUND THIS BOTTLE, PLEASE
SEND A NOTE TO RON CLARK." THEY DID SO, AND RON CLARK
RESPONDED, "NEW BOTTLE, WHO DIS?"
( LAUGHTER )
RESPOND, 39 YEARS MORE TO RESPOND.
MEANWHILE, IN CANADA, A PIGEON WEARING CRYSTAL METH
LIKE A BACKPACK WAS CAUGHT INSIDE A PRISON YARD.
YOU CAN LEARN ALL ABOUT IT IN THE NEW HIT DRAMA, "BREAKING
BIRD."
>> Louis: REALLY. >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
>> Louis: SO GOOD. >> Stephen: I AM THE ONE WHO
SQUAWKS. MEANWHILE, IN YOUNG PEOPLE
TRENDS, GEN Z IS OBSESSED WITH OLD-FASHIONED FLIP PHONES, WITH
SOME SAYING, "I THINK THAT ERA WAS FUN."
OH, SURE, SOUNDS FUN, UNLESS YOU LIVED THROUGH THAT HELL!
BACK THEN, IT WAS ALL PALM PILOTS AND FLOPPY DISCS AND
WAITING FOR THE LITTLE YELLOW A.O.L. MAN TO DIAL UP.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER )
A BRITISH HOTEL CHAIN HAS REVEALED TS LIST OF
LOST-AND-FOUND ITEMS, WHICH INCLUDE A SEAGULL, SEGWAY
SCOOTERS, A FOUR-FOOT-TALL GINGERBREAD MAN, AND A PAIR OF
DONKEYS. HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.
THAT'S WHY, BEFORE I LEAVE THE HOUSE, I ALWAYS CHECK TO MAKE
SURE I HAVE MY WALLET, MY PHONE, AND MY 'KEYS, WHICH IS SHORT FOR
MY "DONKEYS."